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ReveuseTroublee
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Old Mar 15, 2021 at 04:16 AM
  #1
 
I just had a bad panic attack - memories of that time returned.
I tried to show myself that my surroundings looked different.
That I was home and safe but it did not work that well.
I feel bad - like I should feel thankful.
But I feel the opposite...
And guilty because of this.
Maybe it will go away on it's own again over time.
I don't know if I can handle meeting with a mental health professional - I am scared of it.
Therapy scares me.
It makes me feel like they have control over my life. Not me.
And also I am tired of being judged.
Like I got many times.
I don't want to tell my whole story here.
Now chunks of memories of that time are resurfacing.
I feel like I am not allowed to call this trauma.
Or people will tell me to not overreact and to be thankful.
That this is not valid.
I trust my psychiatrist - it will be awful probably to meet him in terms of anxiety but I am trying to tell myself he is different. And has treated me well unlike the rest.
I feel so awful for hating these people.
They just help.
So I should love them for what they do and appreciate their work.
I just can't.
I am scared to open up. For letting one in.
Maybe I can erase the hate (through therapy)
But I feel like the hate is also protecting me...
Even if it makes me feel guilty.
I am not a hateful person neither angry.
But lately I feel like that changed.
And I hate myself for it.
I am scared I am really overreacting like they told me.
And I am wrong in feeling the way I do.
I talked to a friend who also told me that place has added to her trauma - but she has been through so much worse than me.

I just feel like I never left that place.
I feel alone with this but deep down I highly suspect am not and that is saddening.
Nobody talks about this... Like a taboo.
Mental and general hospital were horrible experiences for me... The forced treatment mostly.
Everything that happened now fuels my ED.
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Old Mar 15, 2021 at 03:36 PM
  #2
 
Dear ReveuseTroublee,

My heart goes out to you! I share so many of the thoughts and feelings you describe. You describe them better than I ever could. I think your thoughts and feelings are totally understandable.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Old Mar 16, 2021 at 06:17 PM
  #3
 
You are definitely not alone. People are traumatized by hospital stays. The medical profession knows this. Psychiatry knows it, too.

Iíve been in an inpatient psych unit a few times in my life. The experiences have definitely left a permanent mark on me, mostly in a bad way. My worst experience was in an adolescent inpatient psych unit at a childrenís hospital. The place was about power and intimidation. Teenage BS, social contagion (e.g., self-harm), and the wordless psychiatrist who preferred psychoanalysis type therapy made the place hell. When I entered that place I was sad. That is it. Eight weeks later I came out broken and despondent.

The adult inpatient unit at a general hospital was a better experience. The patients were more diverse and there was more privacy. The staff were a lot more respectful. There was no emphasis on shaping people to conform to society, which I appreciated. People rarely acted out and fought with the staff, unlike the drama filled adolescent psych unit.

Iíve been a medical patient as well. It wasnít as traumatic, even though some procedures felt violating at times. I didnít particularly enjoy getting pocked for blood and IVs. They were way worse than NG tubes and Foley catheters.

I donít know if it is possible to fully recover from iatrogenic harm and hospitalizations. I certainly havenít been able to. The only thing that has helped me is avoidance (as much as possible). Whenever I have to go I keep to myself. For me that means not revealing history, diagnosis etc to any patients. This has helped tremendously.

My experiences have taught me to be cautious especially around medical personnel. Iím a lot more reluctant to go to the doctor for medical issues. Psychiatry is different. I wonít reach out even when I am suffering. The fear of being judged and misdiagnosed is overwhelming enough that I would rather suffer in silence than subject myself to those people.




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Old Jun 03, 2021 at 04:19 PM
  #4
 
Same here. I have more PTSD from mental health then anything that brought to the mental health clinicians.
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Old Jun 04, 2021 at 12:13 PM
  #5
 
You are definitely not alone. I've been inpatient 3 times. Two times were great, but the one was awful. I was in the general psych unit which was basically a holding tank for anyone on a psych hold for evaluation or while waiting for transfer to a more specialized unit. Lots of people acting out, screaming or talking non stop. And we couldn't close our room doors so random patients would just wander in. I left it more messed up than when I went in.

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Old Jun 04, 2021 at 01:00 PM
  #6
 
Hi,
I've had 5 hospital stays, 2 absolutely a horror show, one bad in ER and fine inpatient, and 2 that were bad because I was in a hard mental state.
Where I live psych hospitals are absolutely underfunded, understaffed, and overly filled.

Going back into therapy afterward was extremely hard, but that keeps me stable and allows me to maintain a job. I do not do well at forming thereuptic relationships either, but after about a year and a half I felt pretty comfortable with my current therapist.

Give yourself time and grace. Lots of us have had that experience of trauma from the treatment that was worse than what we went in for. Know you are not alone.
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Old Oct 29, 2021 at 04:45 PM
  #7
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by dancinglady View Post
Same here. I have more PTSD from mental health then anything that brought to the mental health clinicians.
Me too!
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Old Oct 29, 2021 at 04:56 PM
  #8
 
I have stayed in the psych ward 3 times and it was traumatic each time but I was desperate as I am now but this time I do not want to go there ever. I am scared that I am headed there. The whole mental health system is problematic. Pharmaceuticals, psychiatrists, therapist, etc.

The staff where I went was very rude and condescending. They did not care or show compassion at all. The doctors treated us like lab rats , ignored us, and talked about us in front of our face when we were seated right there. Soooo many horrible experiences.

And never go to residential without thorough research and verifying the credibility of the place. A lot of them are just scams to make lots of money.
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Old Oct 30, 2021 at 09:31 AM
  #9
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by darkfeary View Post
The staff where I went was very rude and condescending.
Probably compensating for their own fears.

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Old Apr 16, 2022 at 09:45 PM
  #10
 
You're definitely not alone.

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Old Apr 24, 2022 at 04:42 PM
  #11
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ReveuseTroublee View Post
I just had a bad panic attack - memories of that time returned.
I tried to show myself that my surroundings looked different.
That I was home and safe but it did not work that well.
I feel bad - like I should feel thankful.
But I feel the opposite...
And guilty because of this.
Maybe it will go away on it's own again over time.
I don't know if I can handle meeting with a mental health professional - I am scared of it.
Therapy scares me.
It makes me feel like they have control over my life. Not me.
And also I am tired of being judged.
Like I got many times.
I don't want to tell my whole story here.
Now chunks of memories of that time are resurfacing.
I feel like I am not allowed to call this trauma.
Or people will tell me to not overreact and to be thankful.
That this is not valid.
I trust my psychiatrist - it will be awful probably to meet him in terms of anxiety but I am trying to tell myself he is different. And has treated me well unlike the rest.
I feel so awful for hating these people.
They just help.
So I should love them for what they do and appreciate their work.
I just can't.
I am scared to open up. For letting one in.
Maybe I can erase the hate (through therapy)
But I feel like the hate is also protecting me...
Even if it makes me feel guilty.
I am not a hateful person neither angry.
But lately I feel like that changed.
And I hate myself for it.
I am scared I am really overreacting like they told me.
And I am wrong in feeling the way I do.
I talked to a friend who also told me that place has added to her trauma - but she has been through so much worse than me.

I just feel like I never left that place.
I feel alone with this but deep down I highly suspect am not and that is saddening.
Nobody talks about this... Like a taboo.
Mental and general hospital were horrible experiences for me... The forced treatment mostly.
Everything that happened now fuels my ED.

i'm so sorry, how are you feeling now?

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"true courage is about knowing not when to take a life but when to spare one" Gandalf - The Hobbit
"There are some days, dark and bitter Seems we haven't got a prayer But a prayer for something better Is the one thing we all share" Someday - Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame
"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever" for my angel girl flying high
The future will not remember, the past does not forget
Please don't put me on ignore list thanks
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Old Apr 28, 2022 at 05:43 PM
  #12
 
I have been traumatized by IP stays and by a number of pdocs over the years. My most recent (former) med provider has truly damaged my life. She went beyond "this is not a good situation" to putting flat-out lies on my medical records because she was outraged that I challenged her experience. My therapist is working with that prescriber's supervisor to straighten the mess out. I'm dealing with serious trauma from that provider and extreme mistrust of psychiatry, in general.

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Old Apr 29, 2022 at 02:47 PM
  #13
 
That awful feeling of judgement I had while undergoing treatment has been confirmed, along with lying. My medical records confirmed it.

How can treatment work if the providers are lying and being judgemental? The dishonesty, cognitive bias and misdiagnosis made it impossible for me to get decent treatment. All I got was iatrogenic harm, that I was blamed for.

If you want to know the truth, get a copy of your records.

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Old Apr 29, 2022 at 03:06 PM
  #14
 
The last time I saw my psychiatrist, I asked her if she was honest with me. E.g., charting and diagnosis. She said she was. I then added that is was a complete waste of my time seeing her if she wasn't.

I'm going to challenge her the next time I see her by requesting to read her notes from my last visit.

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Old Apr 29, 2022 at 04:45 PM
  #15
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by The_little_didgee View Post
That awful feeling of judgement I had while undergoing treatment has been confirmed, along with lying. My medical records confirmed it.

How can treatment work if the providers are lying and being judgemental? The dishonesty, cognitive bias and misdiagnosis made it impossible for me to get decent treatment. All I got was iatrogenic harm, that I was blamed for.

If you want to know the truth, get a copy of your records.

i have a theory that they treat patients badly cause they fear they could "catch" the same mental illness

i'm sure some of them think that mental illness can spread like germs ........

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"true courage is about knowing not when to take a life but when to spare one" Gandalf - The Hobbit
"There are some days, dark and bitter Seems we haven't got a prayer But a prayer for something better Is the one thing we all share" Someday - Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame
"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever" for my angel girl flying high
The future will not remember, the past does not forget
Please don't put me on ignore list thanks
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Old May 07, 2022 at 01:28 PM
  #16
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by willowtigger View Post
i have a theory that they treat patients badly cause they fear they could "catch" the same mental illness

i'm sure some of them think that mental illness can spread like germs ........

I think it is due to questioning professional opinions. Every patient has that right and it doesn't mean they are a pain in the ***.



Quote:
"I'm going to challenge her the next time I see her by requesting to read her notes from my last visit."



I asked and explained the reasons behind my request. She let me read the notes and explained the format that she must follow. The brief notes were actually truthful.

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Old May 28, 2022 at 08:15 PM
  #17
 
I have PTSD by being traumatized in the hospital over 20 times. I've had doctors yell at me for being anxious and nurses turn their backs on me when I needed help. They prescribed horrible anti-psychotics to shut me up.

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Old May 31, 2022 at 09:59 PM
  #18
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by cool09 View Post
I have PTSD by being traumatized in the hospital over 20 times. I've had doctors yell at me for being anxious and nurses turn their backs on me when I needed help. They prescribed horrible anti-psychotics to shut me up.



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Old Jul 15, 2022 at 10:30 PM
  #19
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by *Beth* View Post




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Old Oct 09, 2022 at 02:57 PM
  #20
 
I have PTSD from hospitalizations. I have been hospitalized 26 times over the past 35 years. I had a resident Dr yell at me because I said I was anxious and nurses treat me like a dog. I never forget those things.

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