In June, I might be homeless.

I have no job. I don't get SSDI. I have been told I might qualify for SSDI. Even, one counselor (in Nov. of 2009) told me to apply and sent me to an advocacy agency that would guide me through. It just didn't seem to me that I was too disabled to work. In less than 3 months, I was back working. So I thought that I was glad that I didn't take the advice of the counselor. It was a good paying job. Well, 3 months later, I was out of work again. I haven't worked since.

I've supported myself by going through all my savings. I cashed in my IRA. Not that I had a lot saved. But enough for me to live off for months. I figured that I would eventually get a job. Over the past 15 years, I took easier and easier jobs because employers would tell me that I wasn't coping and they would ask for my resignation, or I would offer it. The last job I had was about the easiest job that a person in my field can do. And I managed to not cope well with that. So, since I lost that, I feel like I would not have the references to get another job. Also, I fear failing at a job again, like has happened over and over.

So, I got no job and no money left. My rent is paid for May. I got enough food in kitchen to last me a month. I get a small unemployment check. I will qualify for some food stamps. My employer is appealing to Unemployment Insurance, saying I should not get any benefits because they say I was let go from my job for good reason. (That's debatable.) They may win the appeal, then I won't have even that little income.

I live alone and there is no one to help me support myself. I could borrow some money from a sister who lives far away and has no idea the straights I am in. I don't see how I could ask her for money, when I see a good chance I might never pay her back.

June will put me in a crisis. I am actually thinking that eventually (like in June) I may put my furniture in storage and present myself to a shelter. (I am well on in years, but not old enough to collect regular Social Security.) I could borrow enough to pay storage for a few months. I wouldn't feel bad borrowing that small an amount. Then I could just sell the stuff, if it looks like I will not be finding a way out of the shelter. I've slept at that shelter a few times in the past. It's okay to sleep in. The lavatory facilities are kind of gross. The food was inedible. (But, I would have food stamps to eat with.) They don't let you stay there in the daytime. I could go read at the library . . . or sit in a park.

A law firm said they had a good chance of getting me SSDI in a matter of months. I don't believe that was said in good faith. I've been advised that it could take 2 years. So the plan I outlined above is what I've come up with in answer to the question I ask myself, "What if I get to where I literally can't pay my rent?"

At times, I can seem so well, that no one would think I couldn't find a job. Maybe they could be right. Maybe, I just gave up.

My sister would lend me a substantial amount if it was to get on my feet and then be okay. I may not ever be okay again. So, I would not just take her money, knowing that. I wouldn't want her to even know how low I have gone down. Partly, I would not want to worry her. Also, I think she'ld be pretty disgusted that I got to where I am. All my life I feared this and fought against getting this low. Now I feel so tired and don't see that I will ever work at a responsible job again. I went to Goodwill to be in one of their programs; they got a waiting list. Seems like in June - I'm going to be in a jam where I might as well go to the street and maybe work myself up from there. Maybe, if I truly had nothing, I might qualify for more help.

Rose,

First off apply for SSDI I got mine in a matter of weeks. It all depends on what your pdoc says is the cause for disability. They don't debate certain things. Think positive thoughts. If you have to humble yourself and ask your sister for a loan. Let her know your true situation and make small payments back to her to show her your good faith once you get your disability. You might also qualify for medicare. Check out all your options. Look online for advocacy agencies and get all the help that you need. You don't need a lawyer to file for disability. i'm sure it helps in some instances, but I just filled out the paperwork myself and had my doc do his part and got my money in a matter of weeks with back pay. It was only temporary but it helped get me on my feet.

I know that what you are going through is scary. i can't even begin to imagine being faced with that dilemna. So be proactive and reach out for help everywhere. I know they do donation drives here for truly needy members so you might ask DocJohn if he can do something to help.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and Hugs,
Tara

Thank you, Tara

Reading your sensible reply, I am asking myself - can I change my mindset? There is so much shame that goes with my failure. I have heard that a lot depends on what one's own pdoc says. Mine doesn't seem to think that I should have too much difficulty finding another job. I am an older woman with a history of job failures over the past 10 years. He has diagnosed me with "Severe Depressive Disorder." I am not a good advocate for myself. I even said to my pdoc (a 3rd year resident) that I think it is lack of character that is part of my problem. He agreed. Yes, I am my own worse enemy at times. But I try so hard to be honest and take so much responsibility for me being where I am at.

The case manager at the facility where I get my psych care closed my file saying, "You have too much education . . . . and you have not been hospitalized very often. You won't qualify." Others have told me different. I get my care at a public medical center, which I have access to based on indigent status. This place may not be too supportive of my getting SSDI.

The last job loss really traumatized me. It sent me to the public mental health center. It was very hard to go there, because I once worked there. My past association with this place seems to be affecting me in a way that is not good. I don't think I would ever seek in-patient hospitalization there. On some occasions when I probably should have, I did not because of my past connection.

I do believe that, while some of this mess I am in is related to my long standing psychiatric problems, I also think I have been irresponsible and have serious character deficits. By that, mainly, I mean I think I haven't been trying hard enough. So I get thinking that I don't deserve anything from anybody.

If I were in your shoes, I would go to my sister, see if I could "start over" in her area, feeling that a little bit of support and care, whether literal or "imagined" might be helpful to me. I would at least tell her my difficulties and ask if I could sell most of my things and come to her for a 6 month to a year try at working my way out of trouble with her help; come up with a plan of some sort. It sounds like you have too many nay sayers where you are now, including yourself and you could use a fresh eye and more interested help.

I think the biggest mistake we make when we are down and out is that there are often still people who love and care for us, even though we ourselves think they "should" not or think they care about their money more than they do us (your feeling of not wanting her money help if you do not see how you could pay it back). Both our pride and our negative thinking get in our way of getting help.

Tara, than you for telling me how it worked out for you. It seems the opinion of the pdoc counts for a lot. Your pdoc must have facilitated you to the best of his ability. It's good to hear that things can work out as well as happened for you. My pdoc diagnosed me with major depressive disorder, but he speaks to me as if he is very dismissive that I am in real great difficulty. He told me to take up tennis. I don't even brush my teeth like when I was not this bad off.

Perna, thanks also for your reply. It is very tough to be very depressed and have all this nay-saying going on (which I do contribute to). What you say about how I look at asking for help from my sister, I must keep in mind. She is a decent person. I do feel awfully guilty to be in the condition I am in. She might judge me less harshly than I do myself.

No suggestions just want to say wow that's rough. Hang in there.

Rose,

I would say first and foremost you need another pdoc. One who will support you through this devastating time. I hope you find the strength you need to come through this and ask for the help that you need. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and Hugs,
Tara

rosesorry you are going through all these life upheavals. lots of great ideas here. the only 3 i'd add is public assistance, section 8 housing, and food banks. there may be waiting lists-section 8, so apply now. salvation army may be able to help you, too.
oops do you attend a church? if so, approach the pastor.
pull out all stops. use the energy you have to fight back to get help. it's april. pray for a miracle. it's happened to me. have u friends who can help you out in this pinch..staying with them til you can get on your feet.
i hope things work out ok for you.
lastly put that pride on the shelf. there are ppl that are willing to help but only if they are aware of your need. you do need help and you'll find it.

Madisgram is right Rose; don't start losing all hope now, as miracles can and do happen. Is it possible to get somebody to help you look into all options; section 8, and aggressively pursue the SSDI as at this stage with your work history and doctor's lines, you may qualify?

Also, even if you are unaffiliated with a church, you can still seek assistance. I know that St. Vincent De Paul provides help with the payment of bills like electric and gas, and runs a food pantry for anybody who comes in need. Church organizations usually don't require that you be a member to help out; so get in touch with your nearest Church to let them know about your predicament.

And absolutely, let your sister know what's happening with you, as she would be very upset I think if it were the case that you ended up in a shelter without her knowledge. We all get embarrassed about things like these, but it's not your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are on the prayer list Rose.

to all of you above, Thank you. I need to bring in the needed documents to apply for section 8. There is a place that will help me with that. One nationwide law firm that specialized in SSDI told me to wait another month and a half before starting the process for SSDI. They said that timing was advised because I can collect Unemployment Insurance, potentially, for another 18 weeks. I was going to the Unemployment place where they have all the special computers and workshops and recruiters coming in. But when I was down there on Monday finding out I could maybe qualify for some computer courses that they would pay for (just short courses) I got just broken down with despair looking at all the young people around me. They were there to get funding to go to college and vocational schools. I did all that kind of thing in the past and struggled and then ended up like this. So, next day I did not go down their like I usually do. That night I ended up at the psych emergency saying my anxiety was extreme. Even the nurse at the Psych emerg. said that she didn't think I would do very well in an interview in the shape I'm in. Tonight I'm not as bad as I have been since Monday. If I get all despairing again, I may go inpatient. I got to come up with the confidence to not accept being blown off by my pdoc like has been happening. Thank you, I will reread these posts to remind me what I have to pursue.

rose, you can go online in/for your state to obtain the application.
i think when the timing is right that SSFI would be good for you based on your lawyers advice if you don't feel you can work but it takes time for their determining if you are eligible.
initially i got SSI at one point cause i needed time to get it together-sober and bipolar dx- but i wanted to eventually work. it gave me some income, foodstamps, and medical care tho lacking in that regard. but anything is better than our staying in the prob. at least it will allow you some momentum. after 6 months i got a part time job-was overqualified-but needed to get some confidence back. 6 months later back to my career. 7 years later after gainful employment went on SSDI due to dx.
i encourage you to consider taking the computer course. no need to compare yourself with others younger.
also office of vocational rehabilitation in your state-check it out/gp. i believe you qualify if you wish to return to the workforce. google it and make an appointment for eligibility. your dx plus wanting to get training for a job-they have an unposted job bank- plus you receive counseling. if they have the funds they may help you with some financial help. this state run program..80% federally funded, 20% state.. was designed to help ppl with disabilities re-enter the workplace after they are helped by voc.rehab.

What is Vocational Rehabilitation?

Vocational Rehabilitation is a program that provides individualized vocational rehabilitation and supportive services to assist eligible individuals with disabilities to get and keep jobs compatible with their skills and abilities.
Who is Eligible for Vocational Rehabilitation?

To be eligible to receive vocational rehabilitation services from the Division of Rehabilitation Services (DRS), you must:

Be an individual with a disability, i.e. an individual who has a physical or mental impairment which constitutes or results in a substantial impediment to employment,

Be able to benefit from vocational rehabilitation services in achieving an employment outcome; and

Require vocational rehabilitation services to prepare for, enter, engage in, or retain gainful employment.
*********
DRS will gather and review your medical records, educational back-ground, work history, and related information, as needed, to determine specifically how your disability affects your ability to be employed and how vocational rehabilitation services might be of assistance to you. A qualified Vocational Rehabilitation (VR) Counselor will determine if you are eligible for vocational rehabilitation services.

Thank you for the replies above. I am already a client of Voc. Rehab. (since fall 2005) That agency approved me (a good while ago) for 15 visits to a T. I spread out my visits to make them last for when I think they can help me. I go for one today, in a little while. It is so discouraging. My T. wrote a letter to my counselor at VOC. Rdhab. back in Feb. saying that I had expressed profound depression and that he did not think he was helping me. He's nice, but I have to be careful not to upset him. I think he gets nervous.

Also, they will pay for me to work with a "job developer." I don't find that this person helps very much. Back in 2005, it was the same with a different job developer. We would meet for coffee. But, I found jobs myself. I can't say she did much.

Down at the Unemployment Office (which now gets called something different), I find they offer the most useful help. Coming out of there Monday, I fell apart. I haven't been back since. Really, I should lose my Unemployment benefits if I am not making a real effort to get work. I will feel bad certifying on Sunday when I have done so little.

SSDI takes proving how psych diagnosis interferes with working. That, I am told, takes getting people to testify that I've been a poor performer in the workplace. Well - how many times I got fired should give a good indication of that. Also, it has to be demonstrated that I can't do anything else besides my old job as a nurse. I feel "How and I going to prove all this? Is it even true, or just me giving up?"

Time for me to leave now. I do appreciate that you all have offered good suggestions. Somehow I have to find how to not be overwhelmed by my situation. I feel like going to the hospital. I'm afraid they'll say, "What do you expect us to do?"

Sorry. I have gotten low today.

rose, i'm not busting you when you feel so down. my ex was a director at voc.rehab. that is why i know so much of what they offer. but there's no "majical cure" to help you. you need to be active in finding the solution by participating with their help.
as for SSDI, i have gone thru that process. that is how i know what is required.
if we take a defeatest attitude that's what we'll get-defeat.
i hope you can understand i'm trying to be supportive but also being realistic. i was homeless-not a nickel to my name- untreated bipolar, plus alcoholism. i got thru it and now my life is incredibly rich. you can have that too. just make the effort.

madisgram, You went to some trouble to try and identify where my thought processes are working against me. I appreciate that you took such interest and expended the time it took. I think you are generous to post the reply above.

It was my therapist that I was concerned about not overly heavying up on. He is a kindly, elderly gentleman, better educated than the vast majority of therapists. And more intelligent. In February, when I apprised him of my being in "crisis," he became pretty stressed out. My intention was that he could help me find the courage to advise my pdoc of my deterioration. I have had some dreadful experiences with pdocs and in-patient care. (Bear in mind that I am an middle age woman. My encounters with the "system" date back to the 70's. The "system" accessible to low income persons could be at times - well, let's just call it unenlightened.) At times, I had a very nice income and purchased quite a lot of quality time from less calloused clinicians - pdocs and T.s.

That you came from the circumstances you describe to where you now are is good testimony that recovery can occur and tough things can be overcome.

I've been to Psych emergency services twice this past week. First time was to plead that I be taken more seriously by out-patient pdocs. Second time was - well, I just said "You got to keep telling them that you are deteriorating, and then they may, at least acknowledge that I am in worst shape than I think they have realized. You got to keep knocking on the door until maybe they get sick of it and really look at how I am." As a nurse, I have had ample experience of having to just about grab doctors by the lapel to make them pay attention to what I saw that they dismissed. I am quite an effective advocate for patients and for my gentleman friend. I could tell stories, and I am tempted to, but I won't now.

Fierce and persistent as I am for others, I fold like a cheap suitcase when it comes to me not being taken seriously. Actually, I was given some quite nice encouragement by the nurses at the Psych Crises area. They "get me" better than do the docs. I was quite stunned by their feedback. Nurses are not renown for compassion to fellow nurses. They both remarked that they often deal with people working the system and that they do not see me in that category. The second time I kind of wanted to go in-patient, but the Psych. Emerg doc was so brittle and said coming in before the weekend could be a waste of days. So, I think and think about going in again.

I was wanting to write my sister tonight. She would always lend me some money. I don't think that would be the best help for me. I would rather she believed me and could care . . . because I have no one to really care. I am very isolated.

However, I did get up the courage yesterday, courage born of dispair, to call a supervisor at my last job. To my astonishment, she was very, very sympathetic and I am meeting with her tomorrow. She parted company with the same employer. She validated some me beyond what I expected. Tomorrow, I must manage to groom and get out of the house. Not easy, but I do what to meet with her.

Rose,

I just wanted to let you know that I'm so proud of you for being so proactive. Keep up the good work.

Love and Hugs,
Tara

P.S. I know a therapist who stresses when clients are in crisis because he actually lost a patient to suicide a while back. He is human and in his humanness he has blamed himself for not stepping in sooner to save that life, not taking it seriously enough. Now when patients tell him they are in crisis he gets nervous and kind of freezes. Interesting to note...

Well, I made it through May. I'll still have my apartment for June, also. July is not looking good. I am getting washed over by dispair. I even think being homeless might help me be less riddled with anxiety. What's to fear when you have nothing to lose? Of course, I have no experience with being this down and out. Undoubtedly, there is a lot more misery to being homeless than I have any appreciation of. It is terrible to have become so apathetic. I feel physically debilitated and am not exerting myself for long. I get a couple of good days, and I think I am turning things around. Then I lapse into depression again. My pdoc agrees with me that I have a "character issue" that is allowing me to not do all I can to help myself. I suppose that is why he is not supportive of my applying for SSDI. I also feel I don't really deserve it.

The history of my life shows quite a lot of effort made to keep going and to be responsible for myself. It doesn't seem to count for anything now. If anything, it works against me. I am told that, with my history of being successful, there is no excuse for being as I am now. And I believe it myself, even though I don't believe it is the whole truth. But I believe it enough to figure that whatever miserable straights that I fall into will be what I have coming to me. I think I have crossed over into despair.

Rose,

it does sound like you have crossed over into despair. You've been so proactive in the past I want to encourage you to rise to that again. You have the means within you to overcome this. I just know it. If you need help don't hesitate to reach out.

Love and hugs,
Tara

I was able to rise up out of depression for four days 2 weeks ago, then I fell back in. I really thought I was getting better. This is what happens. I keep relapsing and stay relapsed most of the time. Right now I am not being proactive, and I know I am neglecting my own interests. I've become apathetic.

Tara, thanks for understanding how low I feel. Thank you for your encouragement. If only I could believe in myself . . . like I used to, a long time ago.

My employer lost the bid to challenge my right to get my unemployment check. It is $192/week, but that is enough to pay my rent and utilities. So I still have a roof over my head. I am amazed at how I have been able to handle my small income and food stamps to meet my obligations. We don't always know what is possible until we have to cope with tight circumstances.

I must find work, because these checks won't go on forever. Also, a moral obligation of accepting the checks is that I be making an honest effort to find work. I am so lonely at home and I want to have a job to go to that I can succeed at. My capabilities are not as good as they used to be. But there must be something. Mainly I cannot work as fast as I used to be able to.

Their is a non-profit advocacy agency that is helping me apply for subsidized housing. I don't want to apply for SSDI, because I believe I can and should work. And I will feel so much better if I can succeed at a job. And I will see people every day, which will make me less lonely. Still, I may never make the good wages I made as a professional, so the advocacy agency thinks it would be wise to apply for the section 8 voucher. I could stay right in the apartment I have, because my landlord already takes section 8 voucher from other tenants. (I guess you call it "section 8." I still don't understand all the terminology.) But, I don't feel so scared as I did when I started this thread. If I can manage my own affairs without having to ask for family help, It will mean a lot to me. We are not a close family at all. I don't want to be resented as a burden. Thank you to all for good feedback.