[LUTE20]

As a teen I really liked being really skinny/light like 115-120 lbs I'm taller so it's quite slim for me at 6'0.5". But I didn't look emancipated to me. I had a good self image of myself. During my teen years I grew breasts due to my hormones and I really liked having breasts just not extra fat on my waistline. I always preferred my waistline to be no bigger than 28" more ideally 26/27" because it gives me a defined look and also because I don't like being so big in general. I really always despised muscles on me anywhere I just wanted to be flat. I am also very attracted to men with defined muscular bodies I just really don't like it in myself. I have tried to stay slimmer by cutting back on intake or on diets that are really restricting when I'm over 140 lbs I usually try to to eat very very lightly less than 500 Cal to get back under which I usually do in a day or two. When I'm 151 lbs my waistline becomes way too large like 29/30" and I feel fat and depressed and ugly and don't like looking at myself because waistline is completely straight. If I gained muscle I would also avoid mirrors. I really liked how I fit clothing better when I was skinnier too. Like 114-120. When I had boobs everything looked perfect and when I didn't I still liked the way I looked but the closer to 140 I get the more pronounce the fat seems to get. I'm not obsessed with being skinny like anorexics in that no weight would be good enough I was 115-120 for 4 years. And very comfortable with it. This throws my perception of myself off really being over 140 lbs. so my question is could gender identity have something to do with this? And if so what can one accept things the way they are?

[kraken1851]

Hi LUTE20. I think I feel pretty similar about my body (and I'm the same height/weight, eerie ). I have definitely bordered on an eating disorder in the past, and I still have guilty feelings associated with food. I have a really bad body image

I have come to realize that for me a big part of the bad body image stems from my gender dysphoria. So for me it's about my hips and thighs which in my mind scream "female". Any weight gain makes it worse (or more specifically, I'm ok with gaining muscle in the right places, but looking at my body fat just makes me want to cry....). Having female hormones and a metabolic disorder means I have a super hard time gaining any muscle.

Anyway. I'm convinced that my poor body image and the resulting tendency toward an eating disorder are mainly a result of gender dysphoria (throw in a mother who has always been on a diet to "lose that one kilo" even though she didn't have to from an outsider's perspective and there you go).

What I'm doing about it - currently I'm looking for "healthier" ways of battling the gender dysphoria than losing weight or exercising (I've been suffering from chronic fatigue for two years now and it has made my body image a lot worse).

Plus I will tackle the issue with my t. We're not quite there yet, but getting there sooner or later.

Originally Posted by LUTE20

As a teen I really liked being really skinny/light like 115-120 lbs I'm taller so it's quite slim for me at 6'0.5". But I didn't look emancipated to me. I had a good self image of myself. During my teen years I grew breasts due to my hormones and I really liked having breasts just not extra fat on my waistline. I always preferred my waistline to be no bigger than 28" more ideally 26/27" because it gives me a defined look and also because I don't like being so big in general. I really always despised muscles on me anywhere I just wanted to be flat. I am also very attracted to men with defined muscular bodies I just really don't like it in myself. I have tried to stay slimmer by cutting back on intake or on diets that are really restricting when I'm over 140 lbs I usually try to to eat very very lightly less than 500 Cal to get back under which I usually do in a day or two. When I'm 151 lbs my waistline becomes way too large like 29/30" and I feel fat and depressed and ugly and don't like looking at myself because waistline is completely straight. If I gained muscle I would also avoid mirrors. I really liked how I fit clothing better when I was skinnier too. Like 114-120. When I had boobs everything looked perfect and when I didn't I still liked the way I looked but the closer to 140 I get the more pronounce the fat seems to get. I'm not obsessed with being skinny like anorexics in that no weight would be good enough I was 115-120 for 4 years. And very comfortable with it. This throws my perception of myself off really being over 140 lbs. so my question is could gender identity have something to do with this? And if so what can one accept things the way they are?

Hi Lute20: Oh yes. Even at my age, I have the same problem. I'm about 5'8". I weigh around 140 pounds. This puts me in the middle of the normal range according to current U.S. guidelines. Occasionally I get up toward 145 pounds. Then alarm bells start going off!

What I'd really like would be to get down to around 130 or 135 pounds. But unless I starve myself it just won't happen. It's all due to my gender dysphoria. I feel like I look more feminine when my weight is less. I definitely don't have an eating disorder. I do weigh myself daily to make sure I don't eat too much. But I can't eat too little either because my wife will start hounding me to eat more. She's afraid I'll become ill.

I don't know about accepting things the way they are. For me, my weight concern is just one piece of my larger GID issues which I also can't do anything about. It's kind-of like being an alcoholic... one day at a time. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, so to speak, & hope that I don't run out of grit.

I do believe that weight gain is simply a matter of balancing how much you eat with how active you are. If a person is gaining weight, it's just an indication they're eating more food than their body requires, given how active they are. The thing to do is to eat less or become more physically active. I have wondered occasionally if my own preoccupation with my weight could lead to an eating disorder. I do think it could be possible if I were younger. At my age, I think it's probably unlikely. But, if I were younger I think it may be something I would want to talk about with a therapist or other similar professional.

[Rand.]

I'm 5'8 and 110 lbs. So I'm uh thin. For me it's definitely because of dysphoria. If I gain much weight it goes straight to my hips and butt and I'm definitely not cool with that. Thin is typically more androgynous than anything else IMO and in my case. Until I get on HRT my weight will always gain in places I don't want. I'm hoping to gain weight once I get on HRT so I can start putting muscle and fat on in the right places and give me a more masculine look. Hopefully mostly muscle of course in my case XD It took me a while to figure out that my weight issues stemmed from dysphoria. I used to say to myself that I just liked my thin athletic look. Anyways, I digress. I'm rambling on.

[kraken1851]

It took me forever to figure out what exactly was wrong with my body image. Now I'm like d'uh, how on earth could I not understand the connection :headdesk:

[Grey Matter]

Hello there OP. I am recovering from anorexia, and in your posts there were a lot of red flags. Wanting to be flat, having defined lines, only being happy at a certain weight, neglecting muscle growth, etc, are all warning signs of an eating disorder.

I am 6'ft tall and at my lowest I was 109. I was a walking skeleton. And it was because, like you, I wanted to be "flat". And the pressures gender and society put on us does not make it any easier. I am seeing the those who are not cis are becoming more and more sustainable to ED's then ever before. Because we equate androgyny with masculinity + being thin, which isn't true! Rock androgyny at any size. But if you need more help and want to talk to others the ED forum here is actually really great and I am there too.