[Rand.]

Hey guys I just really want to vent. I'm so frustrated lately. I pass really well as a guy and then my family has to go and out me and makes it just embarrassing for everyone. They refuse to accept me as a guy. They think I'm being led by a demon spirit of perversion, or at the least just going against God's will and will NOT see any differently. I hate this! Being called "she, she, her, birthname" Arrrg SHUT UP. It's killing me! It'd be one thing if they don't know but they KNOW. It's bad enough I have to deal with crazy body dysphoria but no one seems to care how horribly this is affecting me and are instead caught up in what their "beliefs" are. Now they are upset with me for deciding to transition. I just can't deal with this. I have to live with this body every day, my family thinks they're being "kind" to me by still treating me the same but really they're killing me. I feel like every time they call me female pronouns or my birthname is a direct assult against who I am. I just don't know how much more of this I can take. This social and body dysphoria is just really getting to me and I don't know if I can take it.

Dang this just all sounds really lame. Like MAN UP and deal with it because there's nothing you can do. I know they have to struggle with this transition too but I just feel zero kindness coming from them and all this fake kindness crap because "We don't agree with you but we still love you!" As if you love me while doing this to me!

[Rand.]

TW: talking about death

My mom also told me before that it would be better if I was dead than to transition and that it would kill her if I did.

[kraken1851]

Ack! (((hugs))) I'm sorry they're doing this to you - and don't say it's lame and you shouldn't complain. It isn't lame, this matters! We know how painful and hurtful these words can be.

Language is the only way for us to communicate who we are and how we identify to others. So if they refuse to accommodate that language, it ultimately signals that they either "don't get it" or that they cannot accept who we are. Or both...

I so often wish that others would understand how much these small things mean. It's so difficult to change our bodies to a place where we can feel at ease - or at least don't feel entirely alienated. Using the correct language by comparison seems like such a small effort by comparison - I don't get why some people don't even grant us that comfort.

Sorry, now this turned into a rant of it's own.

[kraken1851]

How long until you can get away from them? Your mother has NO right to say this kind of thing to you.

[Rand.]

Thanks Kraken. I can't get away. For 2 reasons - 1) I still love my family - too much to leave them and 2) I really rely on them a lot. My mental health sucks pretty bad and I struggle to take care of myself and my dog. I live with my folks and need them.

[kraken1851]

I hope someday they'll understand what they're doing to you .

[Rand.]

Thank you Kraken it's helped a lot just being able to talk about it.

Originally Posted by Adespota

Hey guys I just really want to vent. I'm so frustrated lately. I pass really well as a guy and then my family has to go and out me and makes it just embarrassing for everyone. They refuse to accept me as a guy. They think I'm being led by a demon spirit of perversion, or at the least just going against God's will and will NOT see any differently. I hate this! Being called "she, she, her, birthname" Arrrg SHUT UP. It's killing me! It'd be one thing if they don't know but they KNOW. It's bad enough I have to deal with crazy body dysphoria but no one seems to care how horribly this is affecting me and are instead caught up in what their "beliefs" are. Now they are upset with me for deciding to transition. I just can't deal with this. I have to live with this body every day, my family thinks they're being "kind" to me by still treating me the same but really they're killing me. I feel like every time they call me female pronouns or my birthname is a direct assult against who I am. I just don't know how much more of this I can take. This social and body dysphoria is just really getting to me and I don't know if I can take it.

Dang this just all sounds really lame. Like MAN UP and deal with it because there's nothing you can do. I know they have to struggle with this transition too but I just feel zero kindness coming from them and all this fake kindness crap because "We don't agree with you but we still love you!" As if you love me while doing this to me!

Hello Adespota: I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I have some sense of your dilemma. I kept my GID a closely guarded secret literally for decades. When I finally decided I had to disclose it, just 2+ years ago, I really thought things would be different. But in reality nothing has changed. Most people I know still don't know & there's no reason for them to. However, my wife knows & my pdoc knows.

Even after my lifetime of dealing with this, it still feels like it's eating me from the inside out. But despite that, at home, I'm just treated the same as I always have been. And because I love my wife & don't want to "rock the boat" I just keep my mouth shut & go along with it. Sometimes I can handle it. Other times I feel like I just can't stand it another minute! And, yes, I often ask myself why I can't just "man-up" or be "mindful" or practice lovingkindness, etc., etc., etc. You'd think someone my age could get past this.

I wish I had some answer for this. But, as I said to a therapist once... I know what my options are, I just don't like any of them. I have, of late, been focusing on reviving my old on-again / off-again meditation & yoga practice. Having that to focus on helps me to not think too much about my GID issues. This is important because the more I think about them, the more I think about them. They're like quicksand for me.

[Rand.]

Thank you Skeezyks
I ended up getting to see my T who really helped me with this. I had a hard time wrapping my head around a lot of what she said but it did help. She said for example, if I was to tell her I was going to go become a dr. she'd say, "ok that's great" but might not believe me until I was there with Dr. in front of my name and a stethoscope around my neck. That it was the same with my family - it's hard for them to believe me until I'm there, happily transitioned and functioning better than ever. Kinda makes sense I guess. She was also saying that I was wasting my energy trying to get them to believe me. Sometimes people just take a while, or maybe can never be budged and that all trying to get them to believe me will do is wear me out.

Ah well. I met up with other trans people last night in my city. I just wish I didn't dissociate as much as I do when I socialize. Also, it's been many years since I've socialized at all. I don't think I did very well xD And it's kinda awkward what to tell people when they ask what I do... "uhh nothing because I'm very mentally ill! Yeah!" oh well lol I just told them I'm hoping to go back to school in the fall "Oh where do you go? What are you taking?" "Oh yeah I'm 25 and still working on HIGH SCHOOL" Oh well .-.

[kraken1851]

I'm glad that you and t have been able to sort things out a little.

And how awesome you went out to socialize! Well done! I'm sure the others understand that not all of us have streamlined CVs.

Originally Posted by Adespota

And it's kinda awkward what to tell people when they ask what I do... "uhh nothing because I'm very mentally ill! Yeah!" oh well lol I just told them I'm hoping to go back to school in the fall "Oh where do you go? What are you taking?" "Oh yeah I'm 25 and still working on HIGH SCHOOL" Oh well .-.

Oh yes, I know this experience. I haven't been employed for close to 15 years I would estimate. Now, I'm old enough I can just say I'm retired & people take it at face value. But for a long time it was very awkward to say:

"Well, it's like this... I went bonkers a while back... & since then... I haven't held a job..."

"Oh, really," silence... "Well that's too bad..." more silence...

[Rand.]

Yeah I do get a bit worried about what other people think, especially people I really want to come to good terms with, but know what? If they are cool peeps you're probably right and they get it.
Lol Skeezyks yeah I definitely get where you're coming from there. I guess the one thing I have to realize with these people is that they understand how disabling dysphoria can be. It really can and does affect my whole life and how unsuccessful I've been.

[Rand.]

I feel like I need to vent again.
I had a bit of a thing today. I was travelling in the car with my family an my sister brought the game of Life up on her iPad to play. It was her, her husband and I. They put in their names an chose their character and then I did. Of course I chose a guy and tried to make it a little joke because it was kinda a funny looking character. Right away my bro in law backed out and refused to play and she just turned it off then. Kinda stupid but this really really hurt me. Maybe because I've been a bit more sensitive lately but really come on. I'm sick an tired of this crap of them pretending to be nice to me. What are they going to do when I'm undeniably a dude? Not have anything to do with me? I never asked for this. Why must I deal with their bull and be understanding of then when NO ONE but my dad ever considered how much this has been affecting me and how much pain I've been going through and how much Their unacceptance affects me.

I know it's hard for them I know I should be more understanding but I feel so alienated and alone right now. I love this family so much. I haven't killed anyone or done crimes or done horrible sins. I just want to be me. Why do they treat me like this?

[Rand.]

Seriously if anyone ever stopped to actually consider how I was doing in all this instead of getting all puffed up and disgusted with me they might realize that I'm a human being not an object of their (religious) beliefs.

[Rand.]

I should probably shut up now. Sorry guys just needed to let it out somehow...

[kraken1851]

Vent as much as you need to! We know how it feels.

(((((((hugs))))))

[Rand.]

Thanks Kraken

Originally Posted by Adespota

I should probably shut up now. Sorry guys just needed to let it out somehow...

No being sorry, Adespota... by order of The Skeezyks! I would venture to guess that everyone who posts here understands how you feel.

As most, if not all, MtF transsexual individuals do I have at various points in my life built up secret stashes of women's clothing & accessories. (Of course, later on I would purge myself of my stash with a promise to myself never to do it again... a promise I would never keep.) Anyway, to get back to my story, for quite a long time, I felt guilty about buying the things I bought. I wondered what people in the stores thought.

But, as time went by, I began to feel like: "hell... I didn't ask to be trans. It's not like I sat down one day, made a list of the benefits of being female & male, & decided it was better to be female! This is just who I am. Why should I have to feel embarrassed? Why should I have to apologize? Why can't people just accept me for who I am?" I still feel this way.

As much as I love my wife, & I'm committed to maintaining my male façade for her sake, there are times when I become seriously irritated by the fact that I have to continue to do this even now in order not to cause inconvenience & discomfort. So go ahead & rant. Sometimes we all just need to do it!

[Rand.]

Thanks Skeezyks you're right