[Moonswing]

Okay, I've stretched my thumbs. Here we go.

I'll keep it as short as possible.
Some of my first (camcorder assisted) memories were me being so happy to have a little brother. I'd do everything mommy did, because she did things the right way. I would put diapers on my stuffed animals, separate colour and white laundry (with my chocolate covered hands. I was two, nobody ever taught me how to wash my hands!)
Skip to first grade I was a roughly normal child, you know, few friends, lots of books, some for my age, others for adults, I read Stevenson and Jules Verne, I'd watch documentaries on TV, that kind of stuff. It didn't help me get any friends my age (nor did being of dual citizenship US and Fr), but at least adults didn't mind talking with me and I preferred their conversations about words, the world and the things in it over Gargoyles, G.I. Joe and Transformers. I taught my brother how to read, ride a bike. My parents were there as well, but as someone who had learned those things two years before he had to learn them I was able to share all that I learned with him, without the clumsiness of adult to child translation. (my mother still tells the story of when she handed a Dr. Seuss book to my brother to teach him how to read and how he read the first line out loud and without hesitation, and went on until she asked how he learned how to read and he answered that I taught him. He was six at the time. My mother was more than a little surprised).
Fast forward a few years, I shift from books to video-games, I have some people around me, from daycare and school. We talk while there, I never showed any interest in seeing them out of those places.
Puberty comes late. And instead of being curiosity about the opposite sex, or same sex. It's curiosity about being of the opposite sex. I was rather innocent back then, and didn't realize what it meant at all. I still kept it for myself. From reading a few books about sex ed, it was not too unusual for young puberts to explore sexuality. So... I just brushed it aside, thinking it would go away and that it was just hormones and curiosity. It did pass as my voice matured (I know that there's a word for this in English, I don't remember it, please help) at the ripe age of 16/17.
My brother became interested in girls, I discover the Internet, on a small and relatively secure scale, I'd be the one running the administrator account and go around without the kiddy filter (mostly because it had false positives all the time) it was when my mother was banned from looking at her email that she understood that I really wasn't turning the parental control off for all the wrong reasons. I barely had any libido at all. And had no attraction for anything. I had forgotten about all that curiosity I had about becoming female.
Some years later, I slip from the French Internet I knew to the larger ocean of English speaking websites.
During a search for something on Google images.. I think it was planes, I came across Deviantart, the profile of someone there read something along the lines of "I'm a guy playing as a girl" or something like that which sparked that old curiosity and made me want to try. Being less naïve than I was before, I did what every person does when put in front of a crazy idea. I repressed it without ever telling anyone.
Two or three years later, with me mostly keeping to myself, both online and offline, I come across this cult-like group, like everything new, I read up on it. I laughed at its ideas and thought no one would buy into it. 3 months later, about half the people whom I had been more or less stalking across two or three sites were in there. (it wasn't and still isn't a dangerous group, but I still didn't like it). So I stalked the online group, all 50 or so people. Gathered information about them, memorized all of it, worked on creating the perfect character to fit in with the group. In 4 months, I was in.
I ended up having to go with a female character. At some point, there was text based mature role playing. I snapped. It was immovable object meets unstoppable force. It was so bad I had a split, I would have two roles, one which was still the asexual me with nearly no libido and dead set on dismantling that group. The other, female, outgoing and fun wanting. Things were not easy at all. (I would usually take a two week break every two months to focus on myself, until the third year where I didn't take any breaks at all). Things got worse. I had both roles fighting and conflicting for what could be considered as control.
At some point I had tried shaving my legs to feel how it was like. When my mother noticed she even more upset than I thought I was. Never tried again. (she was raising my brother and I as a lone parent)
Three years later, I was satisfied with my work, the only people left in that group were either people working against that group or people who would need a real life intervention.
I left most of that group of people, I still talk to some of them. Including one which I have grown to call my child, at least online. When I can, I help them around, give advice and the like. (I don't say it, but I am proud of them, they've made it from staying at home all day to going to college!).
Over the past few months, I have worked to get myself to reunite both roles. Doing so made me realize what I was. I was not taking it well at all. I was going to repress it again, but got stopped by someone who knew what it was like to be transgender.
So I'm finding out about these different thoughts and feelings, I do not approve of them, even if I can understand them in their own way. (don't get me wrong, I don't mind this kind of stuff from other people, but I'd rather not be like this).
I'm still coming to terms with the idea that there is nothing I can do to change myself without damaging who I am. Including avoiding all social interaction.
I know better than to even entrust thre knowledge to anyone I know in person. Because it would spell my social if not physical death.

So my question is, how did you all cope with finding out.

Sorry for the very bad formating. I'm on my phone, it's 2AM, I've been typing away for nearly two hours. I will create a tldr version using highlights. If you have any questions, remarks and the like, do not hesitate. I'm going to go to sleep now. Thank you for your time.

[Moonswing]

I'm sorry about the post which completely lost focus because of how tired I was, then me missing the edit deadline, because I was too awake (as well as busy). Which in turn caused this double post.
So, here's what this topic should have been saying, instead of telling the story of my life. Especially since all I was thinking only was "Tell them how and why I got here"... Yeah, that's how tired I was.

I have been curious about "being female" since puberty (that much, I am sure of).
I consciously disagree with the idea.
I feel no discomfort with my body, I just feel like it could be different.
I do feel discomfort with my mind, due to my thoughts on what part of me would like to be and what I should be, or rather, remain, which is a male.
I do not feel like there is much of anything wrong with me when I see myself in the mirror, but it might be because I don't have a very masculine body to start with.

I just know I can't go back to repressing it without causing myself more harm. And I can't imagine showing it to anyone that would tell anyone else. Nor do I view any of my locations as safe to express such feelings. I mean, part of the reason why I'm on this late is because there's a lot lower chance of people barging into my room or coming and watching/reading over my shoulder.

[TheSeamster]

hi there Moonswing! And welcome to the transgender forum! It sounds like you're questioning your gender, or are curious about exploring it. Obviously, only you can find out who you truly are, and what your gender means to you.

I began questioning myself late into my senior year of highscool, and I wasn't very comfortable with it at first. I didn't want to be a man, but I didn't feel right as a woman either. It's been two years since then, and to be honest I'm still not totally comfortable with myself.

Gender is one of the most confusing and difficult things to understand because society's ideas of it are so black and white and, well, restrictive. So feeling out of place or strange is really hard. The best thing you can do for yourself is to be honest. Spend time talking to trans or non binary people, or look into some different gender definitions or ideas. Think about how you express your gender and how you like to be perceived.

Sorry if this got kinda rambly. I wanted to reply earlier.

[Moonswing]

I am questioning myself indeed, I have no idea as to what I am or am supposed to be. I "feel better" now, but it's mostly because it's all gone back to the back of my mind, again. Until the next time it happens.

So whatever my gender is supposed to be, I barely can "explore" it, I just lock up and react badly to it, usually ending up in a depression-like state. I will be seeing a therapist about it.

I will have to start to learn expressing myself and my emotions without aversion. Not dislike, disgust, just self righteous hate and the desire to control, repress and possibly forget any and all of those thoughts. I know how bad such a mindset can be, how it can lead to self destructive behavior as I have experienced. It isn't life threatening, it's just not caring about myself, not wanting to go out, talk to anyone. You get the idea.

I do not feel all those emotions I felt anymore. I am back to feeling almost nothing anymore, which isn't healthy either. I know it.

Like I said, I will soon be seeing a therapist. I don't know his position on the subject. But I will bring up the subject discussed here, as I feel it would help me to voice what I feel, and have been typing.

I am sorry for abandoning my own thread, but I just was in no shape to type much of anything. I'm surprised I even managed to go to work.