I'm convinced I'm a fake.

I feel like I'm a fraud.

The thing is, I'm DFAB and currently IDing as non-binary/androgyne.

But it doesn't feel right. Ever since I can remember, I've always thought of myself as male. It caused me a LOT of grief when I was growing up. But I feel like a 'fake' because I have absolutely no desire to be hypermasculine or even traditionally masculine. I enjoy 'feminine' things and expressing my femininity. Physically, I do all I can to appear male, I bind, shave my head and I've stopped removing facial hair.

I wish to be seen and treated as male, but my interests and personality are typically feminine and I have no desire to be any different.

To make things even more fun, despite my femininity, I consider myself a straight man.

My doctors blow me off constantly because I don't present as masculine and I'm 'confused', although I'd LOVE to start hormones and get top surgery. I may be feminine personality wise, but I suffer from really bad dysphoria when it comes to my body.

Ugh, am I really just a confused fake? Or is this actually a valid ID?

Welcome! It's good to have you here!

I don't think you sound like a fake at all. Just remember that you are the expert on you. Your thoughts, feelings, experiences, and the identity you express from them, are yours and yours alone, and are not for anyone else to try to define or deny (although, sadly, many may try.) There are plenty of cis guys who aren't hypermasculine, and sadly our society frowns on that, and on femininity in general. So IMO if you've always thought of yourself as male, then you're male, in whatever varied forms that maleness expresses itself--and that's for you to own and celebrate forever.

So just keep on exploring and discovering and being the person that you are, and if anyone else ever tries to tell you who or what you are, or define how you should or shouldn't act in order to be male, tell them to go jump in the lake!

Hi Samj. Welcome to Psych Central. I feel there is both a masculine and feminine part of ourselves that some people like to cope with both parts as they appear in us while others try to change their bodies to more closely reflect how they feel about ourselves.

For me coping is similar. People like family know me as they always have, but my sensitive side can come out also to people that value that sensitivity, like here at Psych Central.

Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems are more manageable the more they help others.

Anxiety chat is from 8PM EST on Wednesday and Depression chat is 9PM EST on Thursday. Many people go there with other diagnoses so if you want to meet some people and find support there you are certainly welcome. And their are other chats too. When you have 5 posts you can check the schedule on the Calendar in the blue bar above. Bipolar Chat has been happening on Saturday night at 9PM EST.

Glad you are joining us here. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

Can a man be feminine and still be a man? Yeah. Can a woman be masculine and still be a woman? Yes. Is a man wearing a dress still a man? Yup. Is a man who wears pink, loves ballet and hates nascar still a man? Of course. What makes a man has nothing to do with his interests or how he presents. It's an intrinsic thing to him. You know who you are better than anyone. You know what would feel best to you. If your doctor or whoever is trying to tell you who you are, well, maybe it's time to see someone else. If you can, call your nearest LGBT or PFLAG group and see if they can help you get started on things.

Hi,

I agree that nothing you said seems fake at all. I've been fortunate to find a fantastic gender therapist and I highly recommend therapy. Here's a few thoughts that I hope help you or anyone else.

As was said above, you are the expert and who you are. If that means one day you want to present male while enjoying typically "feminine" things, then do it. And if the next day or even a few hours later, if you want to present femme while doing typically "masculine" things, that's okay too. Gender does not have to be fixed, nor does how you identify, nor what your personality is like. You can certainly identify as male and present as male, but still express your joy in both so-called "masculine" and "feminine" interests. It's not about the things you do or the things you like so much as it is about how you best enjoy these things, i.e. as male, female, or otherwise. I enjoy shooting guns once in a while, but don't treat me like a "brother-at-arms".

Also, I've been urged to focus less on transitioning or defining myself in a particular way and more on what actually makes me happy. That is difficult when we've all been so hammered with social expectations. It requires an open mind and a willingness to experiment-- to test things out and see how it feels. I, for one, love being femme, dressing femme, presenting femme, but I rarely wear makeup, make little effort to change my voice, don't really care if I have shaved pits or a bit of facial hair. Still, I AM femme, regardless of what I am doing, what I am wearing or how others see me.

Lastly, if you don't already have some friends or family that can support you and interact with you as you prefer, then seeking a community is so extremely helpful. Online communities are great and where so many people start exploring. But definitely try to build in-person social opportunities where you can present however the heck you want. I found that once I was able to be myself around others who were accepting, I felt less and less like I was pretending and my sense of self became more secure.

I hope this helps. I am fortunate to live in a liberal-minded community where there are all sorts of gender identities that don't conform to social norms. What you have described would be totally accepted as normal and this acceptance helps us become the people we know ourselves to be.

hi samj
i am sorry that you are struggling. i am sorry if i dont get the lingo straight as i am not clear on the anacronyms but i think your mistake is trying to fit into a role if i am understanding this correctly. feeling as if, since you are identifying as male, because you still have your feminine side this somehow makes you a fake is an inaccurate perception. just as the others have told you, being a male, doesnt preclude you from having a feminine side. just because you are biologically female identifying as a male, doesnt mean you have to give up everything about yourself. identity isnt about male/female. it is about being who you are as a whole person. the more balance you have, the better person you are going to be. the happier you are going to be. dont get hung up on the labels. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

Like everyone else said, you know you best! And men can be and present in a feminine way!

If it helps, I'm a demiguy who is like, super femme. I love traditionally feminine stuff. I've actually argued with some of my family about it. The only thing you need to do to be a man is to identify as one.

Also I so feel you on the dysphoria DX
I feel so gross in my skin sometimes, especially where my chest is concerned.

Just accept yourself the way you are & stop trying to put the sexual labels that this current society wants to place on everyone....you will be a LOT HAPPIER.

When I grew up everyone was what they were. I was a only child female who grew up in a neighborhood of all guys.....my interests growing up were all guy stuff & I had no interest in the girl dolls or dressing up or even make-up.....it didn't make me any less of a female. I even ended up in what was mostly a male career of computer engineering. When I first started working there I was the only female in the group. I played racquetball with the guys & gave them a good game if I didn't beat them on the court. Always loved being competitive with guys because they were more of a challenge to compete with than females who always seemed to wimp out quickly.

I am who I am with the interests I have. I now have women friends who are very active in the horse community that I'm now involved in & am finding that in the areas I'm in now that there are more women even my age that are also involved though I also repair my own truck when I can & take care of my farm as much as possible by myself. I was married for 33 years but H was totally dysfunctional & I finally left when I could finally get out.....not sure I really ever want to get married again after that.......satisfied being alone for the time being.....It would have driven me crazy to have to put a label on who & what I have been through my life.......instead of just accepting me as I am.....too much pressure is being put on people now to label every little detail of their sexual selves & I personally think it's sad.

Just a friendly request to those who post here who aren't transgender, nonbinary, gender non-conforming, or questioning. Here are a couple of tips from GLAAD:

"Respect the terminology a transgender person uses to describe their identity.

The transgender community uses many different terms to describe their experiences. Respect the term (transgender, transsexual, genderqueer, cross-dresser, etc.) a person uses to describe themselves. If a person is not sure of which identity label fits them best, give them the time to figure it out for themselves and don't tell them which term you think they should use. You wouldn't like your identity to be defined by others, so please allow others to define themselves.

Be patient with a person who is questioning or exploring their gender identity.
A person who is questioning or exploring their gender identity may take some time to find out what identity and/or gender expression is best for them. They might, for example, choose a new name or pronoun, and then decide at a later time to change the name or pronoun again. Do your best to be respectful and use the name and/or pronoun requested."

Also, please be mindful that sexual and gender identities are two entirely different things.

Pardon, just because you don't want to, or can't label your experiences doesn't mean others shouldn't. When it comes to gender identity, these words aren't just labels. They're ways for us to explore and understand who we are as people and what gender means to us. For example, I was miserable being a called, referred to, or seen as a girl. It made me miserable. So I began exploring my gender and what that meant to me. And these "labels" helped put words to what I was feeling. It's an identity, like a name or a culture, it's part of who you are as a person.

Also these labels aren't sexual. Sexuality and gender are two different things (although some of us may discuss both at the same time). I feel like you mean well, but please, as a cisgender person you need to understand that this forum is about support for those of us who may not have it outside this space. You may want. To read more into trans and no binary experiences before posting. Like I said, I don't think you're trying to be insensitive or mean, but I feel like you may be coming from a place of misunderstanding.

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling, yet I don't think there's anything wrong with how you feel about yourself. You're not a fraud. All of your self expression and interests are valid. They're a part of you. If we lived in a society that didn't put everyone into strict binary labels of either male or female, a LOT of people would be much more comfortable, as well as you. So don't question how you feel. You're just complex and unique.

Hi I know what you are going through this is the same for me (almost )if people could except a boy with doing girly things that would be awesome and me to if I could be a girl I probably would and yes this is a valid ID there is just no gender for it yet closes (<Bad spelling) thing I could find is demigirl/boy.