[PandaCutie]

Despite having a more feminine username, I'm a they/them. How will I come out to people about this? Where I live a lot of people are against people like me, so I have to act like a girl and pretend to be my sex while I'm just a they.

[Pflaumenkeks]

Hi PandaCutie,

If you don't feel save coming out than you don't have to. You are still valid and a they. I come out in small steps. First my bf, then friends, then university etc. Mostly I start having a general conversation about the topic with those people and decide along the way if they seem friendly and safe - or not.

However, I know how hard it is to be misgendered all the time and to act like someone you're not. For the pronouns I have no solutions, for your presentation; Depending on your environment (job with dress code vs university), I can recommend small things like trousers from the men section (I wear boy's trousers, they are smaller on the waist), big shirts, short hair, boxershorts ..
These are all things people usually don't mind women to wear (you might get a few comments but my overall experience is; noone cares). But for me it was a step away from beeing overly female (and I was twice percieved as a guy. Which is also not true but it felt good for once not be seen as a girl)

Do what makes you comftable (You don't have to cut your hair to be you for example).
Surround yourself with friends you can trust and were you are free to be you - small islands where you are not misgendered.

If you prefere a more direct confrontation with the bigots around you: Pronoun-button, shirts, flyer, ...

I wish you strenght and good luck on your way

[PandaCutie]

Originally Posted by Pflaumenkeks

Hi PandaCutie,

If you don't feel save coming out than you don't have to. You are still valid and a they. I come out in small steps. First my bf, then friends, then university etc. Mostly I start having a general conversation about the topic with those people and decide along the way if they seem friendly and safe - or not.

However, I know how hard it is to be misgendered all the time and to act like someone you're not. For the pronouns I have no solutions, for your presentation; Depending on your environment (job with dress code vs university), I can recommend small things like trousers from the men section (I wear boy's trousers, they are smaller on the waist), big shirts, short hair, boxershorts ..
These are all things people usually don't mind women to wear (you might get a few comments but my overall experience is; noone cares). But for me it was a step away from beeing overly female (and I was twice percieved as a guy. Which is also not true but it felt good for once not be seen as a girl)

Do what makes you comftable (You don't have to cut your hair to be you for example).
Surround yourself with friends you can trust and were you are free to be you - small islands where you are not misgendered.

If you prefere a more direct confrontation with the bigots around you: Pronoun-button, shirts, flyer, ...

I wish you strenght and good luck on your way

Thank you, it was encouraging to read this!

You know, we work construction...you can imagine the comments from all the other guys. Well, I'm seperating myself by having a pink phone, different attitude, but staying friendly. It's on them if they have a problem which isn't my problem.

Since we have to wear a uniform, I still put on glossy clear nail polish and be me. At home though, I exfoliate, do hair removal, wear my favorite colors and clothes (pink and pastels) have a variety of nail polishes for my toes which I wear with sandals...even to the store. Whatever.

Even the small stuff can help you feel better about you. I hope this helps. Oh. Mtf.

[spitzkip]

Pflaumenkeks made some good points! Presenting and coming out in these situations can be really tough, especially when you use they/them...

And definitely work from friend circle outwards, I think? It's good to know that as you begin to build trust with other people about your identity, you'll always have a solid group of good folks to fall back on and support you.

Personally, I've had to pull some professors or college administrators that I trusted aside so I could tell them that I'm nonbinary and use they/them. It's not so subtle, but it worked out in some lucky conversations. As far as physical presentations go, I mix it up sometimes with some straight leg jeans, a binder, and a button-up, but I also like to paint my nails depending on the outfit or my mood. Other times I'll bind, but wear a skirt and big sweater, which isn't the most masculine-leaning, but it's nice for those more feminine days!

Good luck from another they/them user!! It'll take time, but I'm confident that you'll succeed in your own way!