[samj40]

It's pretty funny, actually. At first I was female and bisexual. Then I was lesbian. Then I was a butch lesbian. Then that didn't fit and I discovered non-binary. But now... I'm not sure if non-binary is how I'd describe myself.

I've been hitting up the gym again lately, since I've got 120lbs to lose. Anyway, I was watching one of the many TVs while on one of the machines and it was music video after music video of guys going after girls. Something 'clicked' in my head and it was an instant "I want to be those guys, am I actually a dude???". Normally I'd put it down to, say, being queer and into women, but then there were these guys using the machines in front of me and they were RIPPED. I was jealous. Screw the guys in the music videos, I wanted to be one of these massive gym dudes. I wasn't at all attracted to them, but I'd kill to look like them.

I have a very feminine personality but I physically want to be seen and treated as a guy, honestly. It could just be the air of hypermasculinity at the gym? I don't know, but something has set these thoughts off. And I'm fairly certain not!trans people don't continually get thoughts like this, especially not to the point that they can trigger intense self-doubt and a HORRIBLE mood.

I don't really have anywhere else to turn, I just kinda needed to get this out. Ha.

[Yoda]

It can be confusing. I didn't know about transgender when I was growing up. I had what I thought of as penis envy as a young girl. If I had known more I might have made different choices but I didn't know my options then.

[samj40]

Originally Posted by Yoda

It can be confusing. I didn't know about transgender when I was growing up. I had what I thought of as penis envy as a young girl. If I had known more I might have made different choices but I didn't know my options then.

I'm under 30 but I'm a pretty late bloomer for all of this, I feel. But I get where you're coming from completely! I grew up in a small country town without internet or even access to any material outside of what our tiny library stocked, I had no idea what anything LGBTIQ was, let alone transgender.

I do recall refusing to wear 'girl' clothes growing up though, I hated them. And if I had to wear a dress, I HAD to wear boxers under them or I felt super uncomfortable. I did have a few times when I was 12-16 and I kept trying to tell my mental health supports that I wasn't a girl, but I was brushed off and treated as though I was just 'confused' because of puberty.

Sorry, didn't mean to ramble on with my entire life story, lol. But I feel you, even now it's... Not the easiest thing to navigate and work out, to say the least. On the flip side, at least we know we're not alone and that, yes, being trans is actually a thing.