[samj40]

Hey all!

I... Don't really know where to start with this, but... I'm in my late 20s and consider myself non-binary/androgynous. Maybe even agender? The thing is, I've never felt truly female despite being AFAB. I sort-of and sort-of don't feel male, also. I consider myself to be more 'male', but I don't consider myself to be -a- male. Make sense? I've always been more masculine, I grew up playing in dirt, loving soccer and I was OBSESSED with video games. The minute I could dress myself, I ditched all 'feminine' clothing and lived in boys shirts and pants. But personality-wise I'm what people would consider 'feminine'. I'm generally introverted, emotional and caring.

When I was 12 I made a character who was an alien and didn't subscribe to the Western gender binary. They just existed as them, and I think I wanted to be that character. I didn't feel 'normal', hence the alien thing. I tried to seek help when I was 15 because I suffered from severe depression by that point. I had E cup breasts when I should have had none and ended up with loads of curves, it made my life HELL. But I was told it was "just my hormones" and "I looked like a normal girl".

I've just been... Existing for so long. I've tried to be 'female', I hated it. I tried to 'male', I hated that too. Just less.

But the thing is, I'm sexually attracted to women. Lesbian doesn't feel right for me because I'm attracted to them in the same way a man would be, I guess. I'm not active at the moment and I've shyed away from it because I see myself as a man with women, I'd probably kill someone to have a penis, if I could.

I'm seeing a specialist in August but... This has been on my mind lately. I'm really nervous because I want to seek out testosterone and top surgery, but at the same time I don't want to be a 'man', what if I end up too masculine? But I'm not happy with who I am now, either. There's a risk I'll regret seeking help, either way. But I won't know if I don't try? Feh, long post, sorry guys. I've just been super overwhelmed with it all lately and my dysphoria is really screwing with my head. I just feel so alone because so many trans people know exactly who they are and I don't have a single clue about myself.

Hi,

You may like this blog https://letsqueerthingsup.com/2015/0...re-non-binary/

The whole site is written by someone who identifies as non binary, and they only realised that in their 20s.

They talk about how their mental health affects clarity on their gender identity and a whole bunch of things.

[Pflaumenkeks]

I'm 29, genderqueer. starting T next month and having a lot of mixed feelings about it - so if you want to talk..

Hey, I'm in a couple of queer facebook groups.

Sharing a video with permission from someone. They want to reach out to other late bloomers in their understanding of gender.

Content note from the author for a brief mention of childhood abuse

[Entity06]

I see myself a lot in what you say and I think of myself as a nonbinary woman/genderqueer not a transman.

However, there's some things you said that could suggest you might be more than that. Obviously, I'm just one person with one experience but I think there's something about the fact that although you say you don't want to be a "man", you say you imagine yourself in sexual situations as a man(and with a penis, but that's a detail). I don't know, for me a big clue to my own genderqueerness, to being somewhere in the middle, not fully one but not the other either, was that as masculine as I am and although I usually feel more comfortable in a more male perceived role, sexually I've always imagined myself female(not in the sense of gender roles within a sexual act but just ...I don't know, innately somehow) and when I think about myself with someone, being desired by someone, it's not only in the body I have but also coded as female and with someone who is attracted to women too(so by that I mean is attracted to the woman in me, preferably to the mix that I am but that always includes the female side of me). So when you said that about how you feel sexually...it made me wonder if you might be more male

It's possible that you are truly in between, leaning more towards masculine but not a man nor a woman in the traditional sense of performed and perceived gender. But it is also possible you are more male than you might have allowed yourself to consider.

Point is I think talking to a specialist would be very good, I think that's definitely a positive thing and if that person is the right fit for you, you're likely to get a lot of help with understanding yourself better and better.