[NewSmoke15]

So I found out that a coworker has an interest in me. We were flirting over text last night and she brought up the topic of sex. I'm a virgin, but I think she's had hetero sex. I'm FTM trans, but considering that I barely know this girl, she has no idea. (I'm not out at work, so I still present aa female though I do dress and kind of act masculine.)

She brought up the topic of "lesbian sex" which honestly made me cringe. I couldn't imagine that. I'm not okay with having sex as a "female" you know what I mean? If I had transitioned, or been born cis, I wouldnt be a virgin still lol. But I'm scared to tell her that I'm trans in fear that it will change her opinion of me.

A friend of mine said I should wait until we get more serious to tell her. So that she's more invested in me and less likely to break it off. But I dont want things to get too far without her knowing. What should I do?

[Skeezyks]

I'm not the best member, here on PC, to be replying to your post. But I noticed no one else had replied. So I thought I would. Hopefully some other members will yet do so.

It seems to me there are 2 considerations here. First of all, my personal thinking is that the sooner this type of information is shared, in a relationship, the better. The longer the information is withheld, the more complicated it is going to become to divulge it & the greater the potential for hurt feelings & recrimination.

On the other hand, I would presume you don't want to be "outing" yourself until you're reasonably certain there actually is a genuine relationship here. Once you tell this person you're trans, you can't take it back. And there's no way to know for sure what she may do with the information.

So I think you want to be a bit careful. How you balance these two considerations is something I think you will have to decide for yourself. There's simply no way to know, with any certainty, what's best. Good luck!

[NewSmoke15]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

I'm not the best member, here on PC, to be replying to your post. But I noticed no one else had replied. So I thought I would. Hopefully some other members will yet do so.

It seems to me there are 2 considerations here. First of all, my personal thinking is that the sooner this type of information is shared, in a relationship, the better. The longer the information is withheld, the more complicated it is going to become to divulge it & the greater the potential for hurt feelings & recrimination.

On the other hand, I would presume you don't want to be "outing" yourself until you're reasonably certain there actually is a genuine relationship here. Once you tell this person you're trans, you can't take it back. And there's no way to know for sure what she may do with the information.

So I think you want to be a bit careful. How you balance these two considerations is something I think you will have to decide for yourself. There's simply no way to know, with any certainty, what's best. Good luck!

Thank you. I truly appreciate your response.

[LacunaCoiler]

I can't tell you what to do since I have not been in your situation. But if I was in the girl's shoes I'd rather have you tell me straight out before things get too serious. I would feel that if you can keep something that big and personal a secret, what else would you be keeping from me? It would make me doubt everything about you and about our relationship and that's not good for any relationship, be it friendship or romantic.

Plus, it's not fair to take the choice away from her. In order to make an informed decision she needs all the facts up front. There is nothing stopping her from braking things off with you even if y'all have been dating for a long time. If this is a "no-no" for her it's not going to matter if you've been dating for 2 days or 2 years.

Just wanted to give my two cents, take it or leave it. But I do wish you the best of luck.

[Skeezyks]

Originally Posted by LacunaCoiler

I can't tell you what to do since I have not been in your situation. But if I was in the girl's shoes I'd rather have you tell me straight out before things get too serious. I would feel that if you can keep something that big and personal a secret, what else would you be keeping from me? It would make me doubt everything about you and about our relationship and that's not good for any relationship, be it friendship or romantic.

Plus, it's not fair to take the choice away from her. In order to make an informed decision she needs all the facts up front. There is nothing stopping her from braking things off with you even if y'all have been dating for a long time. If this is a "no-no" for her it's not going to matter if you've been dating for 2 days or 2 years.

Just wanted to give my two cents, take it or leave it. But I do wish you the best of luck.

Well said...

[spondiferous]

i believe it is also better to tell them straight out, if you like them and/or suspect that things could develop into a relationship. it's hard to say what the other person would do but honestly that's my own policy, and for my own benefit. if you withhold it on purpose, you will be obsessing about it until "the big reveal," and also, you're intentionally hiding something which is misleading. it sucks that society in general is so damning toward trans and nonbinary folx, but honesty is still the best policy. you can't control the outcome, only your own actions.

the other thing is a question of your own well-being. the longer you wait to divulge, the more invested the other person becomes emotionally, and likely the more attached to the person you become. it's better to let these things develop in situations where both parties are aware of each other's identities and motives. she's not the only one who could be hurt by a delay in opening up; you could be too.

most trans folx divulge right away, or as soon as they suspect it could become serious, for their own safety. many attacks against trans and nonbinary folx happen when the non-trans person believes one thing and then finds out another once things heat up. transphobic attacks are never justified, but many trans folx consider it a safety measure to disclose early on, so that could be another factor. this admittedly is a bigger issue for trans women than trans men, but it is really an issue for anyone who is not cisgender.

hope that helps. best of luck.

[NewSmoke15]

I told her and everything went great! She was accepting but had some questions that I was more than happy to answer. Thank you guys for your responses.

[Bill3]

I am glad that all worked out well!

If a similar situation were to come up again, an option would be to say kindly that you are not interested in lesbian sex, without revealing that you are trans. This option preserves your sole power to decide whether or not, and when, to out yourself in that specific environment.

[NewSmoke15]

Update: me and this girl hung out together last night. I was getting some strong signals from her so at the end of the night, I tried to kiss her. (She has literally talked about us kissing before.) She moved away and HUGGED me instead. I was confused and she just kept saying "it's not bc I dont want to." So this morning I text a mutual friend (the one who basically introduced us) and he said that the girl told him that she's confused and feels weird about me being trans. Bc of the whole sex situation and knowing I'm not cool with being touched in certain areas. I'm a virgin and tbh dont really know how to handle it, ESPECIALLY as a trans person.

[spondiferous]

I'm glad it worked out positively. Being a virgin, and being trans, with no point of reference as to what you used to like sex-wise, it will take some time to figure it out. Also, needs and desires run on a continuum where they are constantly changing, for many people. The important thing is finding a partner that understands and is willing to take cues from you. If you are interested in taking it any further with your coworker, i'd get in the habit of checking in with her about how she feels and where she's at, rather than with a friend. i know it can seem overwhelming, but open and honest communication is the best way to go. it's best to get the information from her than from another person. good luck!