I am looking for information

My spouse and I have had our ups and downs the last three years. We have been married 15 years total (16 in two months) Recently right after Christmas after disappearing for almost two months my spouse reached out. He told me he was transitioning into a woman and wanted to stop missing life with our family. We have four kids and I have always been very open because I want him involved. He has spent years dealing with self loathing and causing damage but I knew that was not him and was always willing to allow a relationship with children. We talked and finally decided to just introduce the new daddy. Older two got talked to and understood. Younger two acted no different daddy was home. We found we very much still had feelings for each other. I only saw the happy person I married guy or girl did not matter I saw the beautiful soul I fell in love with. Things have been great but both of us are guarded. I fear I won't be what she wants and she will leave me because I am only comfort. I feel she is afraid of hardships I may go through due to her transition or that I may reject her for a "man"
We are both going blind and I am trying my best to be supportive. Hormones and counseling are on hold due to medical. It is alot of ups and downs. Our groups are on hold due to covid so I can't attend meetings and she can't attend meetings. She was going to meetings and got covid from attending. She reached out after her quarrintine. She spends most days and quite a few nights here. Talks about the future then back pedals and says she doesn't want to commit to me. Please I need support. Family on both sides is not great, not flat out rejecting but not helpful either.

I think the best thing I could suggest, perhaps for the both of you, at the moment would be to join a transgender forum website. There are several of them. And I believe each one has a forum for significant others as well as forums for transgender individuals themselves. Three that I am familiar with (in no particular order) are Susan's Place, TransPulse, and TransRefuge. You might take a look at all three & see if one strikes you in particular. You could both join the same one or you could each join a different one. But whichever one(s) you might join, you would be in touch with others who have tread, or are treading, the same path you & your spouse are on.

You mentioned both hormones and counseling are on hold due to medical. I presume by that you're referring to health insurance coverage? Given what you wrote here, as well as what you've written previously, it sounds to me as though gender therapy is going to be vital for your spouse, individual counseling / therapy may be important for you, and family therapy may be something to consider as well at some point. (After all, you did refer to your spouse as a "monster" in one reply you wrote previously.) But if those services are simply unavailable to you presently, a transgender forum website might be your best alternative, at least to my way of thinking.

I myself am an old man now. But I've waged my own battle with my gender identity my entire life, although I never did anything about it. But, as a result, I think I do understand something of what has been / is going on with your spouse; as well as with you in trying to deal with what is occurring in your marriage. There certainly are plenty of examples of couples who have managed to stay together despite the reality of one member undergoing gender transition. Hearing from some of those folks (as well as from folks who were not so fortunate) might be just what is needed at present, at least until both your spouse, as well as you, can acquire professional services. Best wishes...

P.S. I noticed ((retrospectively) you wrote, in your title, you're looking for information. Is there specific information you hoped to gain via this thread?

Thank you for the information you provided. I am looking for how to support her. Maybe just an ear so I have friends. She has her own group and I get the feeling I would not be welcomed due to the hardships they have endured. Some of the community (namely ones she hangs with) are quite mean. Yes during her selfloathing she made alot of mistakes and no I will not excuse the behavior but do understand. We have talked and I am in therapy. I just am trying to understand and most of what she views as cruel bullying is things I have dealt with my whole life. I understand it is not the same but I find ignoring the ignorant and holding your head high is best. I just want someone to talk to who understands what we are going through. I have a gay friend who does drag but in no way does he know how to help me. He recommended getting involved in the community but as I stated those girls are mean.