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Old 11-21-2021, 12:13 PM   #1
loren1975
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Default Really appreciate any thoughts

I posted a similar thread in sexual gender issues I would really appreciate any feed back and so far I have not had any in that section so thought I would try here.

In the past 10 years or so I have been questioning my sexuality. If you would of asked me about my sexual preference when I was in my mid 30's and younger I would of said heterosexual, no doubt. Now I am just not sure.

Because of my issues I have had very little experience with women. I go long periods in which I don't even think about being with anyone. Then I have brief periods of time when I start thinking about it again. This is when my confusion about my sexually comes up.
Do to my isolation and self esteem I start looking on the internet for some kind of connection. I know in general its not a very good place to look but due to all my problems I feel its the only place for me.

I end up replying to men's ads for men, or couple's ads for bi-sexual guys. I do have sexual thoughts and fantasies about guys but I cant help but wonder if these thoughts are brought on more by me being just starved for physical contact. From my experience with different sites I find it much more likely that men are more willing to meetup with me as opposed to a women.

I just wanted to add that I try very hard to actually get to know anyone that contacts me. I dont want to just meet some stranger for sex.
Sadly though that is what you get most of the time.

I am pretty sure I would meetup with the right guy and very sure I would meet with the right couple, but some times I will get pictures sent to me and it will be of a older hairy guy and that just kills any sexual thoughts I had toward them. Now if its a couple or male to female transsexual, cross-dresser, or even a more feminine looking guy the desire is still there. (sorry if I am using any out of date terms)

I was just wondering if there is anyone out there that has had a similar experience. One where sexual contact has been really limited and then finding yourself thinking about bisexuality.
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Old 11-21-2021, 03:23 PM   #2
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Smile Re: Really appreciate any thoughts

Hello loren... and welcome to MSF. I'm sorry you have received few replies to your post. I'm not here much anymore. But I do check back periodically to see if there's anything new on which I think I might have something to offer. By the way, I'm one of those older guys you mentioned... (except I'm not hairy.)

I haven't had exactly the experience you're having. But I have had similar experience. My situation, just for reference, is that I have waged a life-long struggle with my gender identity. It's actually embarrassing to admit that, at my advanced age, I'm still struggling with this. But I am. (If you're trans, you're trans for life. It never goes away.)

Anyway, long-story-short, I'm also quite isolated. (I'll spare you the details.) And self-esteem is something I have a big problem with as well. (I think low self-esteem and being transgender sort-of go hand-in-hand in many if not most cases.) So I do what you do... search the internet for some kind of connection, in my case looking for camaraderie with other older men who have waged life-long struggles with their gender identity but have not done anything in the way of transitioning. And there are several transgender forum websites I visit (as a "guest") compulsively looking for posts that suggest there might be someone there who appears to have had a similar life experience to mine. (I have yet to find them.) I've actually belonged to a couple of these websites in the past. But I closed my accounts because I just didn't feel as though I fit in. Yet I still keep going back to look. And I would likely rejoin at least one forum if the right person appeared to have shown up.

My obsession with this comes-&-goes as well. Sometimes I can barely stand not to join every transgender forum website I can find. At other times I don't really think about it quite as much... although truth-be-told it's always lurking there somewhere in my brain. I think a lot of it has to do with whether-or-not I have other things going on in my life and whether-or-not there is anything happening that is tweaking my anxiety level. (Anxiety is also something I struggle with.) So the higher my level of anxiety is the more obsessed I tend to become with searching the internet for that camaraderie I spoke of above. I have wondered, sometimes, if the exposure I've had, on the internet, to the whole idea of being transgender has caused me to become more obsessed with the idea than I would have been had I not had access to the internet to begin with. There's a sense in which I think the internet tends to fan the flames of any doubts or concerns a person might tend to have on any given topic.

I don't know as I have any particularly creative solutions to offer you. And, reading your post, it doesn't sound as though you were seeking any. I guess my suggestions would perhaps be limited to... find some thing(s) to do that will get your mind off of your sexuality-related concerns and spend less time on the internet... especially time spent on activities related to your sexuality-related concerns. (I know that's a lot easier said than done!) I don't know if you see a therapist. But that might be one thing to consider. And also try to see if you can't find some ways of getting out more. Being isolated tends to encourage the sorts of concerns you have (and the sorts of concerns I have) to fester. We just keep ruminating with regard to our concerns. And the more we ruminate the bigger and more overwhelming our concerns seem to become. (At least that seems to be the way it has been for me.)

My best wishes to you...
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Old 11-21-2021, 04:43 PM   #3
loren1975
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Default Re: Really appreciate any thoughts

Thanks for sharing your experience and thanks for the advice, all good suggests by the way.

I just feel trapped by my desires and never any outlet. There is little doubt that I could meetup with some guy from the internet but something always seems to hold me back.

I think maybe I could be happy with just a relationship with a woman but there is not a single woman on this planet that wants to be with me. Probably a little exaggeration but not by much!
It would seem that I have bisexual tendency's but probably not straight up homosexual if that makes any sense. In others words I would be with a guy sexually if there was a woman there too. Wonder if there is some classification for that!
Oh well I imagine I will go back into total monk mode in another few weeks and then I wont have to worry about it for another year or so
Anyway thanks again for taking the time
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