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Old 06-11-2022, 03:01 PM   #1
Dannii91
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Default How to explore your sexuality whilst still in a relationship?

So ever since I was 17 (Iím now 30) I have been through on and off periods of questioning my sexuality. One moment I am convinced that I am just a straight woman who gets girl crushes and then one new piece of information regarding things like bisexuality, asexuality, etc and then I am once again in the cycle of questioning. As a result this has often times given me anxiety when it comes to dating and relationships as I am always afraid that I will never be attracted to the guys I am dating.

I have had crushes on a few boys as a kid, but I have had far more infatuations towards women (usually I donít really want to have sex or marry them). I rarely have crushes on guys. And this of course makes me anxious.

Currently I am with my boyfriend for 2 years, but the anxiety and fears of not really loving him do interfere with things at times. I am at a certain stage of my life and sometimes I fear that I will someday be in an unfulfilled marriage because I didnít allow myself to further explore my sexuality.

I told my therapist about this during our last session and she said that if this is a significant part of me that has probably mostly gone unexplored then maybe I should find ways of exploring this without compromising my current relationship.

Do any of you have any tips on how I can explore my sexuality without having to do anything immoral like cheat?
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Old 06-12-2022, 01:05 PM   #2
Yaowen
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Default Re: How to explore your sexuality whilst still in a relationship?

That is a good question, but sadly I don't have an answer. I kind of think that when a therapist suggests that one should do something; that is helpful if they also present possible ways of doing that. Hard for me to understand how one can be helpful in suggesting a "should do" without offering some "how to" advice. Perhaps I am wrong though. I am often wrong about things.

Sometimes it can be possible to consider options by doing some kind of thought experiment where one imagines oneself in a worse case scenario. I would guess that one of the worst case scenarios of being "locked into" a situation would be to be actually locked in, for example, a person say who is in prison.

How would a person, say who is in solitary confinement explore an alternate sexuality? Fantasy is one way. Reading books would be another. There are whole literatures devoted to various sexualities: novels, short stories, biographies and other non-fiction works. Letter writing. People in prison often seem to have intense erotic relationships by corresponding with others through the mail system. These are all ways that people who are deprived of physical erotic relationships are able to explore their sexuality.

I would guess it might also have to do with how one defines "cheating." People don't agree on what this word means. Where is the line between cheating and not cheating? If one has a kind of ethics of "treat others as one would have others treat oneself if one were is the same situation" that would kind of narrow the definition of cheating.

Perhaps it would be helpful to ask your therapist what precisely she meant by the words: "maybe [you] should find ways of exploring this without compromising [your] current relationship." Maybe your therapist could elaborate on that. What do you think?

Hopefully others here . . . others with more knowledge, experience, insight and deep understanding will see your post today or in the days to come and respond to it with more helpful words than my poor words.

I certainly went through a time of life when I explored my sexuality. I was in a relationship at the time and as I remember I kind of took steps, baby steps in my exploration. So my heart goes out to you.

It cannot be easy to be in your shoes and I hope you find ways to discover more about your needs and how to fulfill them effectively and honorably at the same time, although that is so difficult to achieve.

So sorry I don't really know how to be helpful to you. Sometimes one wants to be helpful to someone and just doesn't know how. I sure hope you find something helpful, truly helpful. You deserve a good life where you can have some peace of mind and some joy of living!
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Old 07-17-2022, 04:19 PM   #3
ilive4music
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Default Re: How to explore your sexuality whilst still in a relationship?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dannii91 View Post
So ever since I was 17 (Iím now 30) I have been through on and off periods of questioning my sexuality. One moment I am convinced that I am just a straight woman who gets girl crushes and then one new piece of information regarding things like bisexuality, asexuality, etc and then I am once again in the cycle of questioning. As a result this has often times given me anxiety when it comes to dating and relationships as I am always afraid that I will never be attracted to the guys I am dating.

I have had crushes on a few boys as a kid, but I have had far more infatuations towards women (usually I donít really want to have sex or marry them). I rarely have crushes on guys. And this of course makes me anxious.

Currently I am with my boyfriend for 2 years, but the anxiety and fears of not really loving him do interfere with things at times. I am at a certain stage of my life and sometimes I fear that I will someday be in an unfulfilled marriage because I didnít allow myself to further explore my sexuality.

I told my therapist about this during our last session and she said that if this is a significant part of me that has probably mostly gone unexplored then maybe I should find ways of exploring this without compromising my current relationship.

Do any of you have any tips on how I can explore my sexuality without having to do anything immoral like cheat?

I understand you dont want to hurt your boyfriend, but you have been questioning this for years right? So I would think about it, and discuss more with your therapist about ways of perhaps exploring your sexuality..if I was in your position...I understand you dont want to hurt him, but being honest in a relationship and communication is the key. if you really feel strongly that you might have feelings for women, perhaps it would be better to find out now before things with your boyfriend get more serious , and you hurt him even more...
that's just my opinion..
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