I am a basket case...

I am a basket case. I have no friends. I do not go out. Needless to say, the loneliness from my continued isolation feeds my feelings of self-loathing. I have terrible amounts of fear when dealing with people. Ever since I was a young child, I have stayed away from people. Unfortunately, the result of this was that extreme social incompetence was added to my already out of control feelings of anxiety and sadness. The term that would best describe me is learned helplessness.

Since I was 10 years old, I've always thought I would eventually end up living a life of complete isolation. I remember when the Unabomber was caught back in 96, I thought to myself, "This is my future, minus the bombs (of course)." I am 31 now, and have struggled with this problem for many, many years. I have never found a solution. At my best I have been able to have 2-3 male friends, I have also stumbled into 2 relationships with women over the years.

Over the last 3 years my isolation has become even more extreme. I have never wanted my life to be this way. Unfortunately, the fact that I desire to be different but am unable to escape is soul-destroying.

I don't get involved with resolutions, but in the next year, I would like to try and establish friendships. It would be very nice to even experience love and sex again. The problem is that I do not know how to create and cultivate friendships of any kind. I don't know to proceed, and so I remain where I am. If there is anyone out there who has been able to cope with these types of feelings, I would like to hear how you have managed.

You seem like a sincerely nice guy and like you want very much to overcome your social anxiety. Have you tried counseling or working with a psychiatrist who might be able to use a combination of talk therapy, role plays (to learn and practice social skills as well as perhaps de-sensitizing you to some social stress), as well as medication - if indicated - to help lower your anxiety enough for you to take the first steps toward connecting with other people.

You're very brave to be willing to confront your fear and move toward something that you know matters to you. Please let us know how things are going.

I have found therapy and medication to be largely ineffective. A role play type thing might appeal to me, however you don't find too many psychologists in the mindset of George Kelly these days. However, since this last post, I have tried to take some positive steps. For example, I cast my lure unto the internet since last time. I find this to be a more positive experience than the bar. I was able to get a couple of nibbles, but no bites. Since I decided on an honest and open style, I did not lie about my anxiety. It was interesting emailing women. I certainly am better there than at a bar. If nothing else, my self efficacy was boosted somewhat.

Ultimately why I posted in the "mens'" section is I believe these feelings have a much more pathological affect on men than women. It raises the frightful specter of ...impotence... I simply don't believe this is something women can relate to the way a man does. Much as this might make me sound like a sexist, I believe that because women can become pregnant, they will largely (and naturally) underestimate a man's need to create in, and to make changes to, their environment. I'm typically not a psychoanalysis acolyte, but my experience points me in this direction.

Ultimately though, the previous rant only explains why I posted here. I suppose I had in mind this thread being about practical ways to cope. In this regard, I'm much less interested in a psychologist's opinion than I am some "regular" guy's experience.

In that spirit, did the methods you listed work for you? If so (or if not), I would be interested in hearing them. I want to learn.

Recently I came across this website
http://www.wisebrain.org/
I have been listening to the Train your Brain series. All of the stuff is free.
Neuroplasticity or rewiring our neural circuity is a slow process but studies have found that is does work.

Hope this helps, Shoe

My advice is to look at forming friendships as a rather cold-blooded exercise. If you spot a person who you think may have the potential to be a friend, then invest yourself in an ongoing effort to give that person the support that they themselves are looking to have from a friend. Whatever psychological boost they need to get from you - give it to them. Keep doing this day after day after day.

However, do not expect them to instantly be a good supportive friend to you, because they won't be. You'll need to put in a lot more to the friendship for a long time then you'll be getting back. Most people are innately selfish. That's just the way it works. But use their selfishness to your advantage. Give them what they want and eventually they'll come to realize just how much they enjoy your company.

Once you have become valuable to them, then they will work a little harder to become a good friend to you.

Some day, this could evolve into a truly beautiful friendship. But you'll have to do all the heavy lifting in the beginning.

Your post echoed my life almost exactly, and I am in a simmilar position now (31 no love life). I have a few close friends, and have always had trouble introducing myself. For me medication has helpped for many things, but not so much for relationship building. Often I end up feeling it is too late.

With that I met a woman last week that gave me her number (before I had figured out how I was going to ask). I went on a date, and we agreed to another. She cancled on me hours before because she was sick... my mind keeps telling me that she just is not interested, but then why did she approach me, tickle me and as we were parting ways stroke my beard sending shivers to all extreems of my body.

The anticipation, and anxiety is nearly killing me. Lets not even get to the potential of rejection, it is the last thing I need right now.

Well phlashback, that's awesome news. It seems she's interested (this is a major time of year for colds), and I hope you continue to pursue her. And even if it didn't work out, at least you have the satisfaction of knowing you took a shot.

Speaking of taking a shot, I recently did karaoke for the first time. I was out with some friends celebrating a birthday. This was stressful for me to begin with, but I like these people and have been trying to cultivate this relationship. At first, I was too nervous. There weren't too many people in the place, so I figured I would give it a try. I do like singing (though I hate dancing). Of all things, I chose "I'm a Believer" by The Monkeys. I would say this choice took most by surprise, but I have a fairly good voice for a regular guy, so I belted it out. I would say it went well (though after I got back home I started to stress about it). Haha, I even pointed to the women in this bachelorette party during the "then I saw her face, I'm a believer..." part. They liked that, as did I.

In the end, everyone that gets up there looks a little foolish, so I've tried not to sweat it too much. It did show the people I was with that I'm open to do new things and am willing to take a chance. I hope this will help promote my inclusion in future activities. Plus, were we to ever do this again, getting up in front of a group would be a way to be seen and could even serve as an icebreaker. We'll see... Even if that was the one and only time, at least I got up and did it.

CaptainKidd -

Well it turns out she has a boyfriend... however the relationship seems to be on the rocks. Apparently he is mad at her because she wants to hold hands in public, and cuddle when in private watching a movie. He also sees nothing wrong with spending their time together playing WOW and using facebook while she sits on the couch. She let me read his email to her, and I was kind of like... what do you see in this guy. He thinks that is being pushy.. Funny thing is that is what I am missing in my life. I also should mention that they only see each other on the weekends because his he is "too busy". She lives 10 minutes out of town, and that is too far for him to go. But he also gets upset if she calls him during the week to talk. I work a full time job, have to continue my education on my own time, and I could make the time.

He is 30, unemployed and living in his mothers basement. His mom is paying for him to go back to school (4th time). His area of study is my field of work. Apparently he has trouble with the lab work involved... well I hate to say it, but in my field it is not about the book knowledge but application. If you can't do the labs you’re looking at the wrong line of work.

Admittedly I am 31 and live in my parent’s lower level.... but my situation is that I moved back in to help them, and am currently the one who makes the house payment.

Our relationship is that of just friends... but for me this is a big step as it *is* a relationship with a member of the opposite sex. The thing I find funny is that she spent last weekend with me, as he wanted space. She loves hockey, and I have season tickets so after we had spent the day together I took her to the game Saturday. Then she went with me to the game on Sunday where I had tickets in the ice box. We had a blast and after Sundays game we tried ice skating. I split my pants the third time I went to the ground, and we both had a good laugh. She commented that she wanted to do that again.

I am keeping the door open, and we have been spending time together which helps build my confidence... also I have noticed that when I am with her I seem to get more attention from other girls.

She knows that I like her in a more than friends way, but I am happy having her as a friend. She puts a smile on my face, and is the polar opposite of me. For nothing else it is a change, and feels good at the moment. She has also admitted that she is attracted to me, but she still *loves* her boyfriend. I just wonder what he thinks about me spending time and making her smile... hehehe

It is ironic that my feelings about myself and my anxieties really are all that stand in the way for me. Looking at this guy I'm thinking what a looser. I am a better catch in so many ways... not perfect, but hell.

Hold in there, keep being there for her for now. Just make sure you let her know if she wants to get romantically involved, that she must get rid of the boyfriend first.

I can see a very great difference here, he is mooching off your parents, you are helping yours. It shows to me that you are a great person and deserve to have good things in your life.

I really hope she isn't just using you as an emotional break and then thinking that she should stay in a relationship that seems obvious to me she need to get out of. Not trying to scare you here, sorry if it did.

I wish you the best of luck, just try to not get too attached emotionally. If she does break up with him she may not truely realize what she has in front of her and date someone else (other than you). It seems that people follow a trend when it comes to relationships and fall into one bad relationship after another. I hope for your sake, she can see what's in front of her.

Be advised... this is noob advice, but advice afterall. Good luck!!