brief intro

This Xmas was the first time in 12 years that we have not seen nor spoken to my son beforehand, it took until new years day for him to email us to ask if we were ok. we were not very happy.

we took him "wild" camping again this year in october, wild to him is sleeping just outside of a town on a hill in Wales, wild to me is the back of beyond, the only compromise we reached was that we didnt pay to camp so that the money could be spent on activities, like a day out sea fishing of the coast of Ireland for tope (small shark). would have been cheaper to buy the bloody boat.

on the last night of our 3 day trip all was well until we asked him to put the topsheet on a two man tent and secure it for the night whilst we made a hot drink, that is when the proverbial excrement hit the fan, and a total mindf..k ensued, we got the blame for not ever going to see him in a school play, for not allowing him to have sleep overs at the place where we live, emotional abandonment ect and we felt no guilt at all. the 8 hour train ride back the following day to give him back to his mom in one piece was fun. we parted without even speaking.

we told our son that the reason we had never seen him in a school play was because 1 we had never been told about them and 2 we never had been asked to attend any, and that went the same for school sports as well, that it wasnt my fault that 12 years after divorcing his mom she still hated me and didnt want us to participate in his life in any guise, and that we had had to be relentlessly persistent for the best part of a decade using nought but irrefutable logic and reasoning/pleading just to be able to see him for 3-4 hours at a time for maybe 4-5 days over a 12 month period (not including the 3 full days when we were camping) and that did he not think this was hurting us has well after a decade?

we have been staying in temporary mental health shared housing for over a decade now, we dont want to be here but have no choice, there is no way we would ever have him sleep over at ours it is just too dangerous, he doesnt understand our reasons but then he is only 12.

we sold one of our laptops for 2010 xmas to buy him a new in the box netbook so that he could email us at any time last year should he want to speak to us about anything, he sent a total of 10 emails threwout the whole year, and they were all "look at my highest online score" type garbage, nothing about school plays or sports days, nothing in which we could respond with help or advice and then he lays the mindfu.k on us whilst camping.

we sent him an email beginning of november telling him we had been in a motorbike crash, that we were not seriously hurt but we were unable to walk at this time after the bike had somersaulted end over end and had landed on our lower legs, nothing was broken just badly bruised, we also smashed up our right shoulder when it went threw the rear quarter passenger side window and other various injuries but basically we would live and not to worry. he didnt reply.

we were bedridden for about 10 days, no one came to help us because there is no one, we dont do friends and we have no family other than our son, the rest of november we waited for a response from him nothing, then december came and went, still nothing until new years day when we received a email saying why did i not contact him? we went postal.

we told him we would never see him again, never speak to him again and to basically f..k off and never contact us again, an email was sent back saying that was not very nice, he had deleted the email, and that if we wanted to try again we should, only it wasnt him that had sent the email, it had been his mom she has been filtering/reading his emails and thought that mine had been inappropriate that also let us know that she had been aware of the bike crash and had not told my son.

so now we are in the position that we will not speak to our son, for his own good we have cut him out of our life, problem is this even though we didnt want to do it, who would?, it had to be done.

hence why we is back on this site.

incase your wondering we are rapid cycling bp2 and DID and severely emotionally disturbed amounst other things, relationships dont work for us, they never have and we've lost the will to continue fighting to see our son.

your probably wondering why we had not emailed him first over xmas, we told him whilst traveling back to his moms that if he wanted to speak or see me again he should send us an email and that we wouldnt contact him again until he emailed us first, we kept to our word even though it near killed us

so nobody wants to tell me where i went wrong? or even what i did wrong? so i was right to do what i have done? no further explanation necessary? no comment required no matter how bluntly putten?

Before I reply I would like to ask if you wish to have a reply from myself. I realize this is men focused support and before I even consider replying, I feel I need permission since I techinally do not belong in this forum

feel free and go for it dark dreams.

I want to say several things. Fear not however. I will not be saying anything too bluntly.

First, I can only imagine how hard this is on you. He is your son and I pretty much figure by what you have said that he means a great deal to you and you want what is best for him.

Second, your son is 12. Anything that he says really needs to be taken with a grain of salt. If you can get him to say anything to you, you are doing pretty good. If the only thing he tells you in an email is that he made some high schore and that sort of thing, accept it. At that age, they are self centered. There is nothing else that matters in their world than what they can do. Also, it seems to me that you two have not had a chance to spend a great deal of quality time together. if this is the case, he may be uncomfortable talking to you about anything deeper right now. He may very well just be trying to feel out where this relationship is going. He is a kid still and needs to learn just as much as the rest of us.

Third, for a moment try to put yourself in his shoes and imagine what he may have felt when you told him you would never see him or speak to him and then f..k off? The way I read this, his mother got the email before he did but that sounds very hurtful to anyone especially a 12 year old boy who may very well be trying to hold onto whatever relationship he can have with his fath.

Finally, you say breaking off contact was for his own good. Did he express this to you? Did he tell you that he never wanted to hear from you again? The pain a child feels when a parent says they will never talk to you again is unimaginable. And as a child he does not have the ability to tell you how hurtful that kind of thing is. A child who is told such a thing will allow their imagination to run amok and imagine that they did something so horrible that they are unlovable. By saying you will never talk to him again, you have in a sense rejected him.

I know you do not want to hurt him. I know you want to do what is best for him and if he tells you that he really doesn't want anything to do with you then you can respect that. Observe from a distance. Love him from a distance if he wishes. However, you cannot just stop loving him. Even if he chooses not to talk to you, you need to let him know that he is valued no matter what. Tell him you love him even if he doesn't want to talk to you.

He is your son. He is a part of you. He deserves to have his father in his life as much as you deserve to have your son in yours

yes we have, outright rejected him that is. time to go, gone. and now here we be talking on this forum.

Why did you choose to reject him?

the longer he stays around people like me its only going to get worse for him

Dare I say that this may only be an assumption on your part?

People like you? Meaning what? He is your son. Parents are important to children

we don't play well with others. never did, he is no different.

Not everyone plays well with others. However, some can learn to fake it when absolutely necessary and when it really counts.

not here looking for (((((hugs))))) or sympathy in this conversation, what's done is done.

why bother faking it in the first place? it is what it is deal with it. thats what i'm doing.

I am not here to offer hugs and sympathy. I am sad that you are both losing out on the opportunity for something amazing.

I know you say you do not get well with others. I also know that you feel that it is the best thing for him. Have you asked him what he wants? Have you asked him if he loves you regardless of how you feel about yourself? Who you have been in the past in other people's lives means nothing in this situation.

his mental health problems are genetic and not environmental, he will do better with his moms "preferred treatment plan" than with mine, that and i have finally proved my point with his mother that his problems were going to happen whether i was around or not.

If you believe that his problems were going to happen whether you were with him or not, then what harm is there now in getting to know him and letting him get to know you? Whether the problems are genetic or environmental, he isn't a lost cause. He is 12 years old. Why can't your involvement in his life be helpful to him? Could he not learn something from you and you from him?

Can I ask what her prefered treatment plan is?

there is nothing i can teach that boy that will help him right now, he needs professional help, and for as long as he has an ear with me i have always taken his side over his mothers to help him, right now it would only hinder him, i have told him to much already regarding his visits to acass? child services what to do and what not to that could be conflicting that he can could and will use in an argument to prove He is the one that is right. his mom had him tested for aspergers so thats the label he has now. i told to get him tested years ago, she never listened.

This all makes perfect sense. You believe that you have done some things that may have hindered his treatment or even his ability to advance in a certain way. I cannot say whether it is true or not because I don't know everything abotu the situation. What I do know is that you feel you have been a hinderance. Would it be possible to make some changes so you can be more of a beneift to him right now? Aside from just abandoning him that is? If you recognize that you have done things that may not have been helpful, could you change those things into something else that could be helpful?

i don't feel a hinderance, didn't then, don't now. and how is it bothering him? moreover its not as if he saw much of me in the first place to form any emotional contact other than i promised his mom "i would bring him back how i found him" on the occasions i did spend time with him.

You did say that it would only hinder him so I was assuming that up till now it has been a hiderance.