Parallel construction

A guy is not supposed to have any problems
A white guy is not supposed to have any problems
A straight white guy is not supposed to have any problems
A middle-class, straight white guy is not supposed to have any problems
A Protestant, middle-class, straight white guy is not supposed to have any problems
A Protestant, middle-class, straight white guy with an intact family structure is not supposed to have any problems
A Protestant, middle-class, straight white guy with an intact family structure and a good education is not supposed to have any problems
Etc.

We all have problems, regardless of who we are, what religion we subscribe to, orientation or race. It is how we address those problems, what problems we solve, what we choose to live with, that ultimately and in part define who we are.

I agree. But I also think that, in order to address our problems, we have to talk about them with somebody. And I have been told, at many points throughout my life and by many people in my life, that I shouldn't do that, sometimes in very strong terms. I think I've accepted and internalized that message, to just repress everything. All I'm saying is that now I'm rejecting the whole stoic myth. I'm not "sucking it up" anymore. Doing that has landed me in the psych hospital twice, and I was almost headed for a third visit not too long ago. Either that or the street.

Just venting, really. Not a manifesto or anything. I'm not about to sign on to the "men's movement." I think I'm also finding that, as I open up more about my own problems, I'm better able to listen to other people discuss theirs.

I understand that line of thought. My life, externally, looks great. Married, 2 kids, good job that I like.... And I also have depression. I also was taught in various ways not to talk about feelings, or for that matter feel at all! I have worked hard over the years to change my tendency to not talk about things, but it is still hard and I don't always do it right...

Exactly. I feel like I either hold back too much or go completely overboard. How can I be expected to do it right when I've never done it before!?

HalfSwede,
I got your message immediately. I have often wrestled with this same conundrum. What on earth would a healthy straight white guy from an educated and (comparatively) wealthly background have to complain (or be troubled) about? It turns out, lots!

And yet we have to fight a pitched battle with ourselves to bring any of our problems to light because somehow we've learned that it is just bad form to complain about anything.

At the root of my bipolarism and substance abuse is a crushing loneliness, about which I've been able to say precious little to anyone. No one likes to be burdensome...and so the loneliness just stays inside us and eats away at us from the inside. And when it gets overwhelming we take another drink to blunt the pain.

That's all I have to say for the moment. As always, it feels like rank cowardice to be saying any of this at all. But I feel you man, I'm right there with you on all accounts.

Yup, it does. Right now, I feel like all the stoic Swedes in my ancestry are giving me reproachful looks. As soon as I posted it, I thought, "That's it. I'm gonna lose every friend I've made on these boards if I don't pull it down right now." But then I thought, "No, I've got to get this out in the open if I want to keep making progress, even if it rubs some people the wrong way."

Sending you my support, G.
HS

Now I'm pretty sure everybody on here has trouble expressing their emotions, otherwise none of us would be here. I'm not unique in that regard at all.

If you want to articulate what's been going on for you, I'm all ears. You mention depression as your primary bete noire; are you reluctant to post on that forum or is there something more specific to being male that makes you look to this forum to share? I gather that you posted here precisely because you were directing your remarks at other similarly well-situated white guys and wanted some feedback on the specific issue of how the culture of the stiff upper lip renders us inarticulate when it comes to expression of feelings. Obviously we have them (in abundance) and obviously they can be just as damaging to us as any other segment of the population. But certainly, we don't have to be Einsteins to look around and see how much better off we are than 90% of the population. I know that this is enough of a deterrent for me, to not only repress those feelings (of inadequacy/guilt/blackness, etc.) but to bury them and effectively remain a mute about anything personal in nature.

I'm just spitballing here but if you're more specific, I can be of more use to you. Again, this is a fine topic.