I wasn't man enough to stare down a MH crisis

Yup, when the going got rough last year, I folded like a house of cards, collapsed into a heap, needed to be scraped off the floor. Life stress, job stress, family stress, all contributed. Until the final straw, death threats on the job. Which sent me over the edge.

Problem is, I have a history of being weak, overly sensitive and emotional, fearful, aloof and avoided people until they kinda pushed into my world, then I was ok with them. All stems from a childhood with very abusive, threatening father, would fly off the handle for no reason, he hated me and told me I would never amount to anything, despite the fact I was a straight A student. But the thing he did that I think most affected my sense of masculinity was to tell me I was weak, effeminate, and gay, a "mama's boy". Yes, I was sensitive, yes I did hang around my mother, she was my only support in the house, but mostly I felt like her protector from him. I took the blows for her as much as I could. I think that merits just a few points towards being a man. Finally, he completely isolated us, no friends, no activities. I desperately wanted just to be "one of the boys" and do things like play Little League or hockey. It was forbidden.

I always felt psychologically stuck at like age 16. I was never comfortable even referring to myself as a man, used to say I was a boy.

Gotta change. Been working on it. Making progress. One thing I did was join a gym, kinda living out boyhood dreams of the friendships and of doing sports/athletics. Frankly, I enjoy the high testosterone aspect of it, being just "one of the guys", making friends, etc. I also took boxing lessons, I thought staring down an opponent in "combat", even if in sport, would work, except frankly it was too much fun, I got to know my PT and the other guys, and it was very friendly, so not exactly like Rocky or Oscar de la Hoya facing down a tough opponent - it was more like teenagers goofing around, having a good time.

Honestly, had I been tougher, I don't think last year would have happened.

Whatcha think, am I on the right track, "man up", get tough, get strong?

Honestly no but if it's working for you then go with it. You can get the rest of it later. I don't think toughness is a male/testosterone thing. I know some very tough women.
I do agree with your thoughts on your father though. My father was overbearing and emotionally closed except when he was drinking. I'm not sure if what he did was abuse or neglect. He just wasn't a good father. He never said the things your father said though. That would be devastating emotionally. I think you could have just as easily become exactly like your father. Your father was tough right? Would you really want to be like him?
So I really think you're ahead of the game. Having a good father is a great shortcut to being a man. It isn't the only path though. Overcoming adversity develops toughness. When you get there you'll have your toughness and your sensitivity. You'll be a much better man than your father.

Hi Motown. It's only my opinion, but I think you're doing pretty good actually. Getting exercise and working out with "the guys" will help build your self-confidence and self-esteem.

But ... but ... don't think that because you are emotional and have break-downs you're less of a man.

My personal philosophy is this:

A man is honorable. A man is supportive. A man does the right thing even at his own expense.

Being sensitive doesn't make you weak. It makes you a stronger man because you can be supportive others around you when they need your emotional strength. It also gives you the strength to ask for help when you need it. Sometimes men need a shoulder too.

Don't model yourself after your father or Dirty Harry, those are bad examples. Men don't degrade or demean others, they lift others up and give them strength.

It sounds to me like you're doing great actually. Don't define your manhood by aggression and anger, define it by your good deeds.

I personally don't mind you posting here but it is against the rules and if a mod notices your post will be deleted.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I guess I should clarify something. In my life now, what I am working to do is to change the things that didn't work for me, but keep, even improve, those that do. So, I hope I don't give the impression that I want to become some kind of macho he-man Neanderthal brute. Because that isn't what I mean. For example, I do desperately need to be less sensitive about myself, my own feelings of negativity when I am criticized or something goes wrong. But, that doesn't mean I want to change the good parts of that - I'm a really caring guy, a good listener, and I treat people really well, like I would like to be treated.

I guess it all really comes down to just two things, self confidence and maturity.