Maybe I'm more of a man than I thought.

I posted about this in the General section, but wanted a strictly male perspective, since so much of my problem stems from my father, who tried to completely emasculate me while simultaneously telling me I was a disappointing emasculated mess. I have been beating myself up for a year over the irresponsible thing I did, sitting on a dock in the pre-dawn hours with a loaded gun, intending to do myself in. It was a stupid, stupid thing to do, that could have had disastrous results under various scenarios. I was desperate, I felt like my situation was hopeless, and I panicked. I've been beating myself up about it ever since.

Well, I came to the conclusion the other day that, buried in the center of what is my lowest moment in life is ... my best moment in life, the moment when I discovered I do have courage, and strength, and that I can survive. Because at that very last moment, I chose not to do it. And that meant I had to face an uncertain future where I had no clue how it would turn out. And that was, it turns out, the far harder route of the two I had to choose from. The other would have been easy, done, finito. This one isn't done, it probably will never be done, and nothing has been easy about it. But, it is worthwhile, even at the worst moments I can find something that I have done to be proud of.

I know, a constant ongoing struggle has been my self-image, all wrapped up in the concept of masculinity, in "am I a real man?", because of the mind**** my father laid on me. I think I just realized I need to let my self-esteem come up a few rungs on the ladder. I may be a bit more of a man than I thought I was or gave myself credit for being?

Not so weak after all, am I?

The only person who seems like less of a man was your father. Had he been a real man he wouldn't have treated you ( his son) the way he did. And perhaps he did have issues with his own masculinity? He found you as a child an easy target to make himself feel better.

"Issues with his own masculinity?" Bingo, talk about the ultimate in projection. A guy who dressed up in panties, bras, nylons, lingerie, made himself countless sets of fake breasts that would make Dolly Parton or Pamela Anderson look small, and wore a Kotex on his "special days" each month telling me I'm a pathetic f-word mama's boy, etc. L, you nailed that one !

Thanks, you made me feel better! I just need to keep reminding myself that I wasn't the one with the problems, it was old perverto.

WOOT! I've read quite a few of your posts lately and you've got it! You've had a rough go, but way to go Motown!

Thank you, I'm trying. I'm like Mysterion (superhero alter ego of Kenny on Southpark) - I can't die.