prostate cancer

And now the nutcases come out.
To feed apon the fears of the gullible
I do not need the magic herbs and cures in 14 days.

You are kidding and not appreciated

It's Tuesday .2 days to go until the hospital. I have come to terms with whatever happens. Living all day in pain and having no method of release or alleviation is not for me.
I have been brave for many years and up until now have just put up with it.
Everyone says there's help out there go get it but never tell you where.
When it comes down to the pointy end of the stick there is nothing.

So in 2 days, I find out if /what life is going to be like. I'm a bitter old man as it is.

RL sux

Another Tuesday and once again am waiting for surgery this week. This time it's Friday the 1st.
This time is the fix it part. Apparently the rest of late have been look and see and now it's fix and repair.

I had to fall into the 2% that have troubles.
It's not fair. So not fair

All my friends keep telling me not performing isn't that big a deal. Yet still, nobody wants to play.
So apparently it is a big deal although they know I can't do anything they still won't take a chance of pleasure.
I am way passed the point of moral right or wrong.
I just need the feel of an embrace.

I see why frustration gets a man who has had all this done to them to save their lives and given what I know now I wouldn't have it done but I'm the 2 %

You die inside as well as outside and nobody likes to be around a mutilated person.

When you know a woman has lost a breast all you can do is look and compare. (you do, trying to see a difference)
It is the same with men only you don't get to see what's missing .just what is left.
Just enough to make you miserable.

And my journey continues.

Best wishes...

So I went backwards 2 years to having to start using catheters again to open up. To keep the scars from coming back (I hope).

But once again the depression and frustration continues.

You know by how friendly the nurses are to how sick it is.
My nurse today wiped a tear from my eye and was so attentive all day.

You would think that after all the dramas things would lookup.
You would think.
Did everything go as planned?
I don't think so.
I can see how everything causes a great depression over time but when you sit in the leaky boat and know it's going to sink, you still have to sit in it.

When will this journey end?
To wake up and the first thing you are concerned about is why is there pain still there?

This week I have 2 appointments one after another indifferent days. ( Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday morning)
Wish I was 20 years older when it wouldn't matter and I would have 20 years more experience.

But for now, I'm getting dragged along this road, still.
Not travelling but being dragged.

The one thing I have learnt is that people are still scared by what they see and think of you. Be it real or imagined they judge.

All they see is Male.... A bad thing in their eyes.

Nobody sees the hurt person that is crippled inside and out. Their loss.
I don't have time to figure out their logic.

If you do something for yourself you are branded selfish. (be it good or bad)

Prostate cancer kills more than just your prostate. It kills.

Having to count the cost of 2 mental health assessments in 6 months just to see if I'm dealing with everything.
Guess what...im not.

I will be stuffed if this is life from here on.
One day someone is going to cry and say"why didn't he talk about it!"

Guess what he is and nobody cares.

Until I'm scared again
See ya

So after appointments, I now have to deal with scar tissue myself for the next few months at least.
I knew this was going to be a journey but it's a long one.
I can see why the profession would rather the patients be older. They don't complain as much, just take things as a matter of fact.
Hence I go on this path kicking and screaming.
Learning things I never wanted to know.
It is quite lucky I don't think twice when someone says "drop your pants" I don't think twice.they are on the floor before they can blush. (it's usually a nurse that says go)
So anyway I now have to keep my dilation open myself as I heal rather fast but not in the right spots.
Once again all my female friends have become distant. (even though I'm impotent)
Everybody still doesn't want to know about things.
Plus it is still doing a number on my head that I have to deal with.

I hope someone gets something out of my words.
To be continued