frustration

recently i've realized of flawed "life" itself is, i had had a glimpse of it and theorically i felt prepared for this and thought i accepted it, but eventually reality proved to be even more "plan-proof".

it doesn't matter what you do, how strong and foolproof the plans you make are, if something "is to go the wrong way", it will.

i meant to finish my studies and flee from the hellish country i live in, but every "promised land" revealed to be just a different pattern of issues and problems, especially for someone who wants to come there as an immigrant (qualified, tho).

i meant to set myself up by my 30s, but now i see it's impossible. i'll have to travel abroad to get work experience, until i will just look back and think how much time i have wasted for such a basic goal in one's life (having a family).

i hate to waste time in ephemeral actions which have an end in themselves. what's the point in being a spinning top around the world only to satisfy other people needs and never you own? jobs can buy a place to live and keep your time occupied but not, or at least, not completelt warm your life, especially when you don't live to work, but just want a work to live.

but traveling and gaining qualifications seems to be the only way to become indipendent and accepted in the world of work (at least for my soon to be profession), so i can't just walk a different path.

people like me can't live their lives. they walk a path designed merely by the work itself and the economics behind it, because they can't just cope with the reality they live in, may it be for ideological or more practical reasons.

some people are doomed at birth, they grow up with certain dreams and perspectives and just can't please themselves with some makeshift solution.

there's no way to win at this game, for some of us. it doesn't matter if society doesn't tell you "you are a loser" through people's childish behaviour/ a**hole-ness. life does this part very easily, unless you fly low.

if you fly damn low it will be definitely easier, despite it could mean just to live a mediocre life, building up rage and frustration as you see the lucky ones having what you cannot have.

and it's not even like you didn't try, or didn't try even harder, it's just that you can't have it, cause it's you. period.

under this new light i've decided to head to the closer drug-tolerant nation (winking at holland), get a job (i'm studying at uni, i'm not just throwing myself into the fray) and when everything will start to suck (becuase it will, i signed the sucker contract long ago) at least i will have a long (maybe) lasting and anesthetized life.

it looks like there's no other way.

Welcome to the Community, thewildsucker. You are living a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Those who change and adapt do better. Letting circumstances defeat you is a capitulation.

I wish you well.

i tried multiple times, i know i had good chances for every tentative, i just see i can't succeed.

you can't just change who you are everytime the context changes, or else we wouldn't be an evolving animal but an unstable one. you can't deny yourself things that you consider being of crucial importance.