Are there limits to change your personality?

All my life i have been weak, insecure, feminine, emotionally vulnerable, not confident type of guy, raised without a father. And all my life i loved the masculine fictional characters, like Tony Soprano or Clint Eastwood roles and wanted to be like one of them. But i never could.
I struggle so hard and worked on myself a lot and after all came to conclusion that no matter what i will do, the change will be very insignificant. I picked up boxing and gym training, but still feel insecure as hell.
It seems like will never be confident enough to stop caring about what other people think and live life on my terms - i always care more about other people opinions that my own. I will never be confident enough to do the cold approach with unknown girl - i tried to many times and always i freeze up. Girls will never feel secure and protected around me - my ex-gf was afraid to have street-walks with me during the night time and she was right, because i could not protect her. I will never be confident enough to be a leader for people - i always have been a follower. Are all those assumptions true or do i have the hope to change?
Recently my therapist said that "you will never be macho alpha type of guy, accept it and get used to your role". It was very sad truth, i guess he is right. My insecurities are so fundamental that maximum that i can do is to minimize them instead of erasing them.
Do you think there are limits to change? Can one very beta-type of guy gradually become alpha-type of guy?

Hello Mefisto: This is an interesting post to me. Thanks for sharing it. You & I have some things in common, but for quite different reasons. I have also always lacked confidence, been insecure, & emotionally vulnerable, although growing up I did have both my father & mother. I was an only child. (I should also mention, I'm older now.) I have never been much of a leader either, although there were times I would like to have been. There have also been times I tried. However, I'm not a follower either. I'm now more of a non-participant. I pretty-much just keep to myself as much as possible.

The other thing that sets me apart from you is I am transgender. I've always lived a fairly typical male life. But "inside", as we say, I always felt I should have been born female. Still, I never really thought of myself as being particularly feminine outwardly... certainly not masculine... but not feminine either. Just sort-of neutral. However, during one appointment with my last therapist, she once stated: "You know, you do not have the most masculine walk." This had never occurred to me previously. Hearing this though caused me to wonder if this may have been part of what tipped all of the school bullies off growing up. I ran for my life all the way through high school. I'm still not a male who would be of much help in a fight. However, at this stage in my life, I would not be expected to be either. So this no longer is of much significance to me.

So, with regard to your questions, from my perspective, I would say that the answers are both yes & no. I believe your T is probably correct in one sense. If you're inherently a "beta", you can probably never be an "alpha". This, from my perspective, is a matter of genetics. There are limits to change. Some things are just so ingrained in our make-up that trying to change them significantly is a recipe for lifelong unhappiness.

This does NOT, however, mean you cannot grow & become confident & develop leadership capabilities. Confidence is built upon success. And you can learn to create stings of successes for yourself, building from the simple to the more complex. And each time you succeed, you'll gain confidence. Leadership skills, by the same token, are frequently taught, and can be learned. There are may different kinds of leaders & not all are alpha males. In fact, I would suggest that some of the better leadership styles are probably beyond the capabilities of most alpha males.

One important aspect of leadership, from my perspective, is expertise. If you develop expertise in a given field, people will naturally seek you out & look to you for guidance. No one is a leader everywhere & with regard to everything. And a person who tries (probably an alpha male) will simply come to be seen as a loud-mouth & a bore for the most part. However, within a given field, it is certainly possible, I believe, for a very beta type person to develop a high degree of expertise & to come to be viewed as a leader in that field. Does that make sense?

Your T was wrong about one thing, as far as I'm concerned. You do not have a "role". There is no "role" for you to get used to. You create your own destiny by your actions, or lack thereof. Perhaps it's true you cannot become an alpha male. (From my perspective, why would you want to?) But you can be highly successful & a leader within your chosen field if such is what you want & you put forth the effort to make it happen. My best wishes to you.

This is going to sound corny, but the two best things I ever did for my confidence was make good friends who love and support me and start lifting weights.

Love your quote

Are you into lifting too ?!!! I live for it.

Hell yeah, brother. Took it up after my last abusive relationship. It's the only way I can clear my head. Tried running for a while but I was just alone with my thoughts. Lifting, I'm entirely focused on my goal - and it helps me get nice and joocy.

I know what you mean ! Also, you can channel all your anger in a healthy way ... towards those extra few plates or those last few reps. Or that poor punching bag :P

Feel that blood rushing through you and feel like a million bucks. Feel like you're alive.

You can change some, maybe not entirely, but some. All my life, I'd been a very highly emotional person, sensitive, always a follower JUST LIKE YOU.. I fit the BPD and bipolar 2 diagnoses. Recently, however, I've undergone a transformation you would not believe if you knew me. It takes a lot of time, of course, but you can get there, if you want to.

As you gain life experience, especially adversities, you will realize that too much emotion is not good. It helps to analyze each situation calmly and react almost like a machine. You will learn more about your own self - your strengths and weaknesses. You will learn not to wear your heart on your sleeve, because people will exploit your weaknesses. You will learn to only project a part of yourself ... that of a confident man who knows himself inside n out. He's not perfect, he doesn't have to be, just has to know his strengths and weaknesses. You can get there. If I can, you can.

You don't have to be a leader - a CEO or a captain or a whatever. Just be confident of yourself, protect yourself AT ALL COSTS, do not lose your cool, and do not let others take advantage of you. Those are truly masculine qualities, in my opinion. You will get there eventually, if you introspect, learn from your life experiences, and are willing to work hard at getting stronger.

How old are you ?

Listen to this man. ^^^

Protect yourself and your heart, be aware of your surroundings, take care of your friends, your family, and most of all yourself.

I understand exactly how you feel, Mefisto, I was raised by an abusive brute with some really serious gender role issues - he was the alpha male to the public, mr outdoorsman and always willing to take on anyone, but in private a very hardcore transvestite with an enormous collection of women's undergarments etc and who believed he had a monthly period etc.

And he dealt with his internal conflicts by taking it out on me in many ways including always berating my masculinity and telling me I was gay which in his book was some kind of abomination (noting quite as ridiculously ironic as being called the f word by a man wearing a padded bra, panties, silk stockings garters etc). And I was NEVER allowed to interact or participate with other boys socially or in sports etc. my mom was also imprisoned by his abusiveness, so I had only her to be around most of my life and learned things not considered masculine like how to do housework, cook, etc.

So I grew up questioning my masculinity - never my sexuality, I always knew from when I was old enough to know that I was into girls/ women - but I felt totally inadequate, completely awkward, noting in common etc. it was depressing and demeaning. And I kept myself that way as an adult for decades because I was too afraid to find my voice or my true self. And I actually became quite overweight many times in my adult life, 40-50-60 lbs - food and fat became a good excuse to avoid living and to just take the path of least resistance.

I had a tremendous and ugly life crisis a couple of years ago and all of the pigeons came home to roost so to speak. And it almost destroyed me - and I realized I would have to do everything different, heal my childhood wounds, become a new guy all around.

I did so many things in the past couple of years I never dreamed I would - from joining a gym to taking boxing lessons to becoming more assertive about bad customer service.

No I won't ever be alpha, I'm not physically built to look like a body builder or some buffed celeb pretty boy. It is too late to be a CEO or some other power broker. But I am becoming the best man I can be and I am having a great time doing it.

Not knowing your T or relationship with him I can 't say for sure, but that comment bothers me. It seems very limiting and even a bit cruel.

You never know what life is gonna throw at you or how you will handle it - change happens two ways - by choice and by necessity - never say never and never stop working towards your goals. Finally realize change can take a long time and that it rarely moves at a steady pace - it can be long lulls followed by sudden cataclysmic change.

Hang in there man, you will get there.

I like you will never be an "alpha male" but I don't want to be. I want to find a way to be happy with the person I am.

Maybe instead of trying to change into someone your not find a way to improve and love the person you are.

Why don't you find a different therapist?

^Yes! That's really important. .

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles, @Mefisto. I could relate to it a lot, actually. I can't directly answer your question directly, as I'm not sure of it myself yet, but I think I can help by tackling things from an unexpected angle.

Have you ever thought about looking into how your personality works and learning about how several different personality types interacting with each other become involved in particular social dynamics? I'd personally recommend you look into look into a personality theory called Socionics, because I think it'd really help you develop an idea of who you are based on how you really work and not based on ideas of who other people think you are.

I've spent several years on it now and it does work as far as I can tell. It's helped me a lot, and I know you are capable of similar progress if your interested. To get started, you might like taking this test: Test Page Also, it might be helpful to look at this guys videos, as I've found them very helpful: The intro video's a little long and boring, but it really helps (at least for me, anyways) being able to watch videos and learn more visually.

Also, feel free to join the forum! I'm on it and I could help you find your type and learn more about it, if you'd like. Here it is: 16Types My username is Limitless and you can PM me if you ever decide to look into it.

Hope you're able to get to a better place in life and I'm rooting for you, since I know how terrible it can be sometimes .

Every man can be an alpha male, I have no idea why your therapist would say something so hurtful to you. That's when you should have said OH YEAH? WATCH THIS, and walked out of his office (LOL). But seriously...of course you can be an alpha male. Get in shape. Go to the gym every day after work, or work out at your own house. Buy some weights and get some really big muscles going on, which I think even boosts testosterone levels naturally if I'm not mistaken?
Take care of your appearance so that you can feel good about yourself and the way you look. Dress nice. Do things that make you feel masculine. Go jogging around a park. Take up bicycling. Get a nice hair cut, get a nice tattoo, these are just some ideas.

Get a friend, go grab a beer at a bar and watch a soccer game on the big screen while shouting obscenities at your team for losing, or whatever else it is that guys do.

Take a girl out for dinner and be a gentleman. I mean there's tons of masculine macho things you can do and you'll feel better for it. Just start with baby steps. And find a new therapist...

I think that's an interesting question. I'm not sure that one can change their personality per se. I do think that your personality can evolve.
I don't think that we're as restricted as you seem to think. I'm not really comfortable with your terms but lets go with it. An alpha type can have beta behavior and a beta type can have alpha behavior.
I guess I agree with your therapist to a degree. Your core personality is what it is. But as I said, personalities change and evolve. Hopefully in a positive way. Growth and maturity. Accept it and enjoy life.

Interesting comments. My feeling is that it is virtually impossible to change your basic nature. However you can use your basic nature in different ways. I am afraid yer therapist is right.

It is quite likely that you are no more weak or vulnerable than most other men, but as a sensitive person you just feel it more. Ask your therapist for help in developing and understanding your personality so that you feel more comfortable with it and with life perhaps.

One strategy you may like to try is friendly, sympathetic curiosity towards male acquaintances - ask them about their work and hobbies for a start - you might be surprised to find how thoughtful they are beneath that hairy gnarled exterior. I find this works for me - I have been doing it many years.

Finally Alpha males, in their extreme form, are usually jerks (and are alpha/jerkish to disguise their inadequacy) and everyone conspires to laugh at them, and even do them down, whenever the opportunity offers. Who would want that?

If I might throw something into this conversation.

Don't strive to be an alpha male. They're insecure jerks who posture and pose and move from conquest to conquest as if they are competing with someone. The beta males constantly move to overthrow them and become an alpha. Like the old wolf, the alpha thinks he's in charge until a stronger beta removes him and on and on.

Strive to be a gamma. Gamma males are the genuine "nice guy". They don't work to get into the hierarchy, they don't attempt to compete or conquer and they support those around them.

When the alpha is all used up and thrown away and the betas are busy squabbling, it's the gamma that is in a happy relationship with a satisfying job and no worries about his "fit" in their stupid games.

You can play the game and lose or you can not play the game and win. It should be a simple choice.