A Vent/Advice session, maybe?

Hello everyone,

Felt like getting a male perspective, that and wasn't for sure where to post this at, as I had also posted up in relationships.

I wasn't for sure where I should post this at first. I'm really at my wits end and seeing if "venting" as my wife advised me to try is something that will be good for me, as well as seeking advise and opinions from random strangers. As they say, a stranger is a friend you have yet to meet. *deep breath* Hear it goes. Warning: Wall of text incoming.

I'm a 27 year old male. I worked as a Security EMT, but was recently terminated. I have a job offer for the CDCR. So, for the time being, I am trying to find either gainful employment until the start of there academy or drawn unemployment until that happens.

Now, enough with the introduction.

My issue seems to be stemming from my relationship with my wife. For a low down, I'm sexually frustrated, feeling alone, and I am feeling unwanted. My wife was diagnosed with Borderline Personalty Disorder last summer and had attended some classes for it, but had stopped going. I'm trying my best to understand what she's going though, but at the same time, I am growing tired of the constant up-and-down emotions. I grow frustrated when she accuses me of not caring enough when she mentions her BPD.

We have been married for 2 years, while we had been in a relationship for 5. Even though my libido has always been higher then hers, up until the end of last year, we had a fairly active sex life. About 2 to 3 times a week. While yes, I would have loved for more intimacy, I felt like we both had a connection. I also realise that, me being 6'4 and her 5'0", size really DOES play a difference in what we can and can't do. I've tried to get her to open up about her desires, but she always seemed content with vanilla, and always seemed to shut down otherwise.

That all said, we had also felt a little rocky in our relationship. We had started attending marriage counseling in January. In our second sesion, she had dropped a bombshell on me. She had mentioned her experiencing a spiritual self-rediscovery and had felt that she had been "giving up her body" without thinking of her own self. She had stated that it was always what the man wanted and mentioned she didn't know if her future was with me still, but wanted to work it out.

Fast forward to now. Every time I've tried to hug her, she always felt distant. When I brought this up today, she states that she always feels overly focused on what she is currently doing. I haven't approached her for sex, but I had vented my frustrations, especially after finding out that she had signed up for a fetish site. I had asked her that, if she felt no sexual desire, why did she feel the need to go to a sex site? She had gotten defensive, but at the same time had given me her login that I plan on *not* using.

I tried to explain what her BPD, me losing my job, and trying to be understanding with her stuff is doing to me. I feel like I have to keep up a "ideal Southern Male" front, because every time I've tried to shoot the breeze with friends, it gets turned into a "Dude, F*** her and drink!"

I know that I could of put more into this, but I'm more venting and trying to still collect my thoughts.

Thank you in advance,

Nelg

Sounds to me that if your wife signed up for a fetish site, there may be something she is wanting in that department that she is afraid to ask for. You two might want to think about exploring ways to spice things up in the bedroom. You guys need to have an open and honest conversation.

I'm not asking, but do you know what fetish she is interested in? She might be embarrassed to talk to you about it. If you know what fetish she is at least looking at you can decide if it's something you are willing to go along with or not. Should give you a starting spot to at least think about your next step.

She really, really needs to keep her treatment going for her BPD. And you both really, really need to work hard on that marriage counseling. I can understand your concerns and you need to take care of yourself along the way, maybe even see a counselor individually if you can.

Maybe go and check out the fetish site, she did give you the login. Maybe she is giving you a hint that she wants you to find out that way.

Also, I agree with the guys here, I think giving you the login in the first place is indicating already that she is dead scared of talking to you directly about this and taking the initiative to bring it up in conversation. It's almost like she wants you to start the conversation with her with the elephant in the corner already out of the way.

Women can find it difficult to communicate with us. I don't know if it's just fear or whatever, but you will rarely find them just bringing up something like we would easily just bring up something with our guy friends and other guys at work for example. That natural confidence seems to be confined to men mostly.