Feelings of guilt and shame

Hey Guys~

I am new at this site and posted in a few forums here, but thought it would be best to place a posting in THIS forum.

As a quick intro again...I am a 58 y/o married guy (2 marriages) and one grown daughter.
My personal issues that I would like to know if others can relate to is this...

Most of my life I have experienced high anxiety and even strong panic attacks at times regarding my deep seated feelings of embarrassment and shame for being male. To be even more specific, whenever the subject of "penises" comes about with females in a PUBLIC situation I am overwhelmed by intense feelings of a "fight or flight" response.

I very basically understand now that I become angry inside when women talk about/ joke about/ or even find disgust and their equipment. Its like we are sexually evil and possess these evil weapons (penises)
In contract, women have these hidden sexual things that that don't even discuss amongst themselves (calling their vaginas..."down THERE"/etc)

I feel "exposed" in public and humiliated when this happens...I almost have rage inside for this! I KNOW intellectually that this is ********, however- its a strong feeling cant shake inside.

I DO Have some ideas of where all these feelings stem from (but that is another posting itself)
Hope to hear from you and discuss this topic and any others that you want to.

Thx,,,Snap309

Welcome aboard Snap309. It sounds to me like this might be a symptom of multiple issues. I would guess it probably stems from childhood and some events that happened. You mentioned you have some ideas on where those feelings come from, so that's a great start. Have you talked to a therapist about this?

Now this was a very interesting statement to me:
One thing men have to deal with is the idea that we're "gross" our whole lives. We can have been married for years with an active sex life, but if we're naked at the wrong time or do something different in bed or whatnot, the reaction from our partners is often, "Gross." This idea of our penis being gross and ejaculation being gross and so on, is conditioned over time by the reactions of our partners and society as a whole. So men are often left feeling like their sexuality and biology are some how not fine, but repulsive. The implications of course are numerous.

Hey Webgojj~

Wow!...Thanks so much for your insight and responding to my posting.
First- it feels great to me that others can relate to what I say and understand my feelings.

Regarding therapists....I had a few for various issues (my panic attacks/ addictive behavior / and my issues presented here.
What I think I have unraveled over the many years of soul searching is that my childhood played a HUGE part in my self acceptance in sexuality.

I was raised in the strict Catholic family AND in Catholic school. My mother was loving but STRICT....I was deeply afraid of upsetting her. I also had those NUNS to deal with.
As you can imagine...sexuality was NOT an open topic to discuss as a child.

I believe that I developed a feeling that women felt male sexuality was disgusting and I, being male was naturally included in this view.

So- I guess that when this is brought up in a PUBLIC setting, I feel exposed and attacked and I have No way to emotionally defend myself.

Hey, no worries. I think we all experience the same feelings to differing extents depending on our experiences. I mean, I've got a great example. When Mrs. Webgoji is in the shower, I'll sneak in to surprise her ... cause I think she's hot. But she has no interest in sneaking up on me in the shower because, "Ew, you're in the shower."

The media loves to talk about how women are conditioned for this and that, but men are as well. I remember specifically not walking certain ways because it was "like a girl" or making sure I didn't hold my hands a certain way because it looked feminine. And so we're brought up all "Sticks and snails and puppy dog tails" while women grow up, "Sugar and spice and everything nice." (Jeeze I hated that rhyme when I was a kid.)

And I bet that is the smoking gun for you. Family and community structures that repress natural and normal things like sexuality and gender invariably seem to cause more harm than good. Since it wasn't talked about, you never learned a tool set for dealing with the world when the conversation turned to anatomy or sexuality.

Personally, I think a start would be when a topic like penises (Ice T had a song called Evil D$#&, this conversation just reminded me of that ) anyway, when a topic comes up like that I think the thing to immediately remember is that we're conditioned with this idea of men's anatomy being gross, barbaric and animalistic. The only reason it sounds like they're attacking you is because they can't address the subject any other way, they can't overcome years of twisted conditioning. If anything, you can feel compassion for them.

Heh, and when it's all said and done, it's suddenly not gross when it's time for some hanky-panky.

I am female but am checking out some of Snap's posts.
I did not read everything you wrote as I feel almost spy-like in this forum and don't want to know too much.
This hit me though.
I remember making sure I crossed my legs the right way as knee over knee was female and ankle at knee was male.
I always wanted to go with what was most comfortable at the time.
Welcome again Snap. Even though we just met, I have a feeling you will fit in just fine.
Keep posting and let us get to know you.
Please be aware though that this is a very large site.
just today....
New in last 24 hours: 100 Members, 1776 Posts that is a lot of people and a lot of posts. So if you don't get replies right away please know it is not you.

Good God man, they're only women, who ever took any notice of anything anyone in a petticoat says? Just kidding. Obviously.

I love discussing the one eyed trouser snake with women at least until the police arrive. Women object less often than you might think.

My impression by the way, is that there is nothing women won't discuss amongst themselves often in alarming detail.

It is intriguing that you are embarrassed/guilty about something you have absolutely no control in being.

Perhaps you are especially sensitive and instead of uttering a deep manly bellow you take criticism to heart.

Or perhaps at a young age you were made to feel there was something wrong or inferior with you. Perhaps when bad things happen (they happen to us all) you felt they were due to you and your maleness was a contributory factor, or that you had to deny your gender or bad things would get worse.

It is difficult to track these things back your self but a suitable therapist can go through your your past with you and see when and where you began to feel this way and if you know why it may be easier to live with.

TRUTH!

The conversations my wife and her friends have would make me and my buddies blush with embarrassment. Heck, my best friend went to eat sushi with Mrs. Webgoji and a couple of her friends one afternoon while I was at work and he came back downright frightened.

"Dooood ... you would not believe what they were talking about Homey."

I feel "gross" for being a man. I feel dirty, disgusting and repulsive around women.