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Member Since Oct 2015
Location: NY
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#1
I've been kicking this stuff around in my head for a while and figured I'd try to put it to words here.
Do you ever notice a man who is clearly troubled, yet refuses to even acknowledge it? I was this way for a long time, I'd drown out my emotions in alcohol or marijuana rather than seeking any help. Anyway, I wanted to start a discussion as to why we men are so guarded with our emotions and so rarely seek help. I'll start with myself. For me, it comes from my father. My mother always encouraged me to speak up but the message from my father was much more stern: don't complain, suck it up, deal with it yourself. One way he did it was ridiculing me if I came to him in pain. He wasn't being malicious, he thought he was toughening me up, but he would always laugh or make a joke if I came to him in physical pain. I guess in some ways it did toughen me up, but it's left me in an inadequate position when dealing with emotions. I feel another big part of it is male competition. If we show weakness, we drop down in rank in the group. Nobody looks up to a vulnerable man who wants to speak openly about his emotions, or who shows weakness in the face of adversity. We idolize strong, stoic men, not men capable of expressing themselves and acknowledging their areas of weakness. I believe this promotes isolation among individuals who have emotional issues, we all think to ourselves that we're broken because other men don't behave like this, other men have their lives together so our suffering must be our own fault. This leads us to see the far higher rates of suicide in men than women because instead of being open with our emotions we store them and attack ourselves as broken rather than allowing ourselves to show our vulnerabilities to anyone else. I also think men's competetive nature adds to this, especially when pursuing women. Women, just like men, like a man who is strong and seems like he understands the world and can navigate it with ease. A vulnerable and emotionally open man doesn't project strength and is almost always seen as weak in the eyes of women, so we hide our vulnerabilities, puff out our chests and pretend everything is just fine, when it rarely is. Some men score their points with women by denigrating other men who show their vulnerabilities, and while a woman may be sympathetic to the man expressing his weakness, they rarely consider him someone worth dating or marrying. We are also in part controlled by our hormones, testosterone does make us more aggressive and less emotionally free than women. Where a woman might have a good cry and spend the night with a close friend, we may drink a half bottle of whiskey or put a hole in the wall to release physically what we can't release emotionally. I guess this falls back on the nature vs nurture debate but it's undeniable that we are less in touch with our emotions than our female counterparts. Anyway, that was a bit of a ramble. I've just noticed so many men around me, myself included at times, who have no proper outlet for our mental issues. We fear ridicule from other men, rejection from women, and any sort of exploration of our emotions for ourselves because to acknowledge those emotions is to acknowledge weakness. I know this doesn't apply to all men, but it certainly applies to most I've met. Does anyone else have any observations of men refusing to accept their vulnerabilities? __________________ This too shall pass. |
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Anonymous200265, FluffyPuppy
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Abusedbysister, Cat_Lover_58, Daystrom
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Disreputable Old Troll
Member Since Oct 2015
Location: The Star of the North
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#2
Hello DeterminedSlacker: I've been watching the 6 part TV series: "The Brain with David Eagleman" on our local Public Broadcasting System station. Eagleman is a brain researcher. One of the points he has been making is that human beings are much more under the control of areas of the brain, to which we have no conscious access, than we typically believe to be the case. And, of course, as you point out, hormones also play an important role in how men conduct themselves as compared with women.
I don't have any particular observations to share. This has certainly been the case for me, especially when I was younger. However, getting older, plus having the mental health issues I've had, have forced me to be at least a bit more in touch with my emotions. However, I will also share that, it has been my experience, sharing my emotions doesn't seem to have gotten me anywhere. Basically no one else wants to know about it. And when I have shared some very deep difficult emotions, in the end, I just ended up feeling exposed & foolish. In retrospect, I wish I had kept it to myself... __________________ "I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last) |
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Anonymous200265
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Abusedbysister, DeterminedSlacker
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#3
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__________________ This too shall pass. |
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Anonymous200265, FridayT, Skeezyks
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FridayT
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Grand Poohbah
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#4
Where I come from we never show our vulnerabilities. This is called 'grip'. This has made me that man I am today.
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Anonymous200265
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DeterminedSlacker
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Aug 2013
Location: Wichita, Ks
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#5
For me it's always been about women. I personally could really care less about what other men thought, I don't worry about all that alpha male peeing higher on the tree nonsense. But my experience has been that women don't want anything to do with a man that was vulnerable. What's the first thing they always say they find attractive? Confidence. Vulnerability doesn't ever even make the top 100.
So for me it's always been and will always be because of the opposite sex. __________________ Helping to create a kinder, gentler world by flinging poo. |
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Anonymous200265
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DeterminedSlacker
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#6
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__________________ This too shall pass. |
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Anonymous200265
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#7
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It often feels to me like the whole world's media seems to hand out advice and self-help stuff, and the "cool" people never seem to follow this or need it. It feels like a trick to "occupy" people who don't "get it", so that the cool people can play. I guess it's the same in all areas in life. I was a very gifted A-student at university and I would always listen to the "advice" people (even top professors) were giving in order to do well and score top marks, and I always remember thinking "I don't do any of that" or "Wow, that's the first time I've ever even heard of that study technique." I learned long ago not to listen to the world without totally questioning everything, most of their "advice" is nonsense and is probably a money-making scheme of some kind. |
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DeterminedSlacker
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Grand Magnate
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#8
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__________________ Helping to create a kinder, gentler world by flinging poo. |
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DeterminedSlacker
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Legendary
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Location: Washington DC metro area
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#9
__________________ Now if thou would'st When all have given him o'er From death to life Thou might'st him yet recover -- Michael Drayton 1562 - 1631 |
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Member
Member Since Nov 2019
Location: Michigan
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#10
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After I just started fearlessly expressing myself it really made me think of all the ways i limited myself communicating with others all the times i said nothing when saying how i really felt could've made a difference, not only for myself but for others as well. Btw, all the ways society tries to tell you what a man is is a bunch of BS, A man does what he wants, says what he says, feels how he feels not under any influence by others. there is no competition with anyone because that means you're trying to be like someone else and not own who you are. Man or not, we are human and the human experience isn't something that can be crammed in a box or molded from a specific image. it's just an experience a lot of men have been forced to only see and be one way. I've punched a lot of walls, i still struggle with substance abuse and i'm working on that and have been a pure savage. that's not manly its a crutch and immature way for not having or accepting other ways to cope. Man, i gotta tell you, the sooner you let go of what people expect you to be the sooner you can be who you're actually meant to be. |
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Member
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: Canada
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#11
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