So embarrassed

Hi guys,

I found this place with a google search as something happened on the weekend that is causing me a lot of mental anguish and I was thinking perhaps sharing and getting some perspective might help me rather than bottling it all in.

I'm 41 and been married for 8 years with two beautiful children aged 4 and 6. At the beginning of the year my wife revealed to me that she has been thinking of leaving me. We went to counselling where I thought we were going to be taking steps to repair the relationship, but it came out pretty quickly that she doesn't want to even try and that separation is what she wants. So for the last couple months I've been in this terrible space of living with my wife, but living separate lives, separate bedrooms, no sex etc.

Obviously this has been extremely distressing for me and I've gone through some very black self loathing periods as well as a lot of resentment towards her. Anyway for the first time in a long time I went to the pub with some parents of the kids in my eldest class. Now I don't know them all that well, but the one mom, Claire and I walk home from school with quite regularily, so we're not friends, but I'm very familiar with her.

Anyway we all proceeded to drink far too much beer and I was actually having a fantastic time. Socialising is not normally an easy, enjoyable thing for me so this was actually a big deal. My wife went home with the kids early and then eventually the rest of the drunk crowd dispersed and so did I with the Claire and her husband and kids. Anyway we're walking home which was fortunately down a very quiet lane when (memory is sketchy cos I was so drunk) it seemed I must have started talking about my wife and I, and it all happened so fast but suddenly I had collapsed to the ground and all I remember is crying and screaming into a pile of leaves about all the pain I was in. Claire must have sent her husband and kids ahead when this happened, but she stayed with me to comfort me which was very kind of her. I heard her telling other people to move on but luckily there weren't too many. I don't know how long that was but she eventually calmed me down and we went on home.

I must have been filthy from lying in the dirt because my wife tried to get me in the bath to clean me and then I became an absolute asshole because I vaguely remember telling her to **** off over and over, I just became overcome with anger.

Anyway I woke up the next day with a horrible hangover and just praying my vague memory of the night before was a bad dream, but sadly for me it wasn't. I went to Claire's house to apologise for having to see me like that and deal with me and she was very kind about it and told me not to worry.

But the fact is it's like of those experiences you just want to blot out but I can't stop thinking about it and every time it comes into my mind there's like that shiver of revulsion and it makes me want to throw up. Claires husband I've only met once before and I don't even know how I will face him knowing he's seen me in that state.

I'm absolutely consumed with humiliation and embarrassment, guys just aren't meant to behave like that. Anyway I don't know if writing this is going to help me deal with it in any way but I thought maybe it can if you guys have any perspective or perhaps you've experienced something similar so I don't feel so alone and pathetic.

Hello JOn99: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! I hope you find whatever amount of time you spend here to be of benefit.

Well... I don't have any experiences similar to this I can share with you. But I have a whole laundry list of recollections I'd like to blot out... that give me that shiver of revulsion you mentioned. I have a whole lifetime of extremely bad choices to my discredit. So there's lots of material to choose from.

In an effort to deal with this, & prevent it from becoming overwhelming (again) I follow a Buddhist practice called "compassionate abiding". Simply put, this involves allowing difficult emotions to come up, leaning into them, breathing with them, perhaps even smiling to them, then dropping the story line after a few breathes & then continuing to stay with the raw emotion, allowing it to fade away at its own pace.

My experience, over the years, has been that trying to bury, avoid or run away from difficult emotions just keeps them coming back stronger. It is possible to learn to hold one's ground in spite of them. They are like ugly little trolls. But they have no power over us beyond what we cede them.

The passage of time itself will presumably help to soften the impact of this experience. However, if you & your wife continue with the process of splitting up you may, unfortunately, have more distressing experiences to deal with. At some point you may want to seek out some therapy for yourself. Bottling this stuff up can be a prescription for ongoing unhappiness. There's nothing wrong with what you did. The alcohol you drank simply made it possible for you to externalize the overwhelming emotions you feel inside. What's important here is to realize you are suffering & to find a way to resolve it. I wish you well...

Hi Skeezyks. Thank you for your kind words and empathy. The 'compassionate abiding' technique sounds very interesting and I will definitely give that a try.

I've also been trying to get some perspective and doing a bit of 'standing in the others shoes' and imagining what the other side saw and if I were that person I wouldn't be thinking 'oh his marriage is ending and family being split apart and he's crying, what a wimp'.
I would be feeling sad for the guy and empathic, so that makes me feel better too.

Hi, Jon: I definitely feel your pain, as I have been in a similar situation w/ my spouse for over half of our marriage (8 out of 16 years). We have two dependent children, by choice and they are one of the reasons we keep an intact household. I have to step up and take my share of the burden for how things have turned out in the relationship: I have been dishonest w/ my wife (never cheated or had affairs, etc) and made some bad decisions regarding finances that we are just now getting out of. To top it off, we are both in careers that don't pay much and splitting things two ways with two households would be very difficult. Nonetheless, we have both agreed that once we are on better footing financially and our extra debts are settled, we will work on a plan to separate and divorce. It's sad and not exactly what I want, but she has come to this position and it is my job to accept it and make the best of it. Staying in a situation where I am not getting my needs met is a recipe for anger and resentment, but I am working hard day to day not to let this happen.
So, all I understand about your situation is that your wife is no longer in love with you and would like to end the marriage. I haven't heard anything about what her rationale or motives are or if you have done something that led to this situation. Have you sought your own counseling? You obviously have some pretty strong feelings about this and it sounds like the drunken evening allowed you to let your guard down and all this emotion came out. From my own perspective, as Skeezyks has alluded to, sometimes the best you can do is try to make amends and avoid repeating past mistakes. As many wise people have said, "If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging and put the shovel down."

Hi Jon,

I can understand where you are at. My wife of 25 years just told me she feels nothing towards me anymore and wants to move out. Our last child just graduated from high school and she feels it is the best that we go our separate ways. I love her deeply but have had a hard time showing it due to my PTSD from childhood abuse. I never purposefully set out to hurt her emotionally but now that I have accepted my past and am going to therapy for it, I can see the deep emotional hurt I have caused her. I am having panic attacks due to her leaving because it is bringing back the feelings of abandonment I grew up with. I don't know if she will stick with me. If she doesn't I am going to still try to overcome my depression. I cannot live like this anymore. I am 51 and want the rest of my life to be happy. I know, deep down, my wife wants that for me to. The only thing that irritates me about this is that she told me she cannot relate to my mental illness. She does not realize she is victimizing me just like anyone else that thinks depression and childhood sexual abuse should not be talked about and really does not affect a person at all.

I tried counseling with my wife too, and she still wants to leave. (Actually, the counselor made it worse.) It might just be she is incapable of understanding. Hang in there. Pay attention to wife every day. That is what I am going to do. Even if it irritates the crap out of her. Hopefully she will see that I still love her.

I hope you both find the help, support and happiness you deserve. These are all treatable conditions.

I don't see a wimp. I see someone that is having a rough time and that has lost the inhibitions due to alcohol. You have probably been holding that in for a long time. It's ok. I hope that they see the same thing I do.

@J0n99,

There's nothing bad there... We all go thru bad times and we all handle them in the limits of our strengths... At the end of a bad day, we may have suffered but we're all stronger..
I’m pretty sure, by now, nobody else remembers it… And I hope you to, forget about a bad night.

I Wish you happiness...

Sorry for your experience. but remember everybody loses it sometimes. just be glad you have such an incredible friends to take care of you.

PS. are you kids ok? didn't they get terrified or anything? I worry a lot about children

We all have our bad moments. It is hard to let others witness them.

I hope you are able to find some peace.

Anyone who has lived a life of any kind has seen people at moments of strength and weakness. We all have them. We've all seen them. Hopefully Claire and her husband have as well. What you're going through will break someone, at least temporarily. Go easy on yourself. You did the right thing apologizing to Claire and husband. Try to let it go.