Father Ted Game

Does anyone want to get into a Father Ted style type chat?

The object of the game is to adlib a conversation with quotes or actions father Ted style, for example,

Father Jack Throws house brick tied to twine at Dec, shouting “ I love my brick!!!”

So do you wanna play?

Mrs Doyle enters the room and says “Ah go on now Dec, you know you want to Dec, Dec it wont kill you, are you sure now Dec?, Dec are you sure I cant tempt you just a little bit?, it’ll be good for your health I hear Dec, ah go on, go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on GO ON!”

for those of you that dont know what we are talking about here is a link which should further explain

http://www.fathertedonline.ukf.net/characters.htm

mrs doyle offers mellors a cup of tea...............
Mrs. Doyle: And what do you say to a cup?

mellors: Feck off cup!

then father mellors has to give dec some advice.............
father mellors: Just forget all about it. Just forget about it. Just do not mension the sun. Have you got that?
Dec: I have mellors. The lights are one but there's nobody home

“Theme tune to black beauty is playing in the background“ both father dec and father mellors are watching the other fathers running around a field that is on the coast on a day trip, father jack breaks free of the group and sets of to the pub, “music changes to “the great escape tune” no way out, father jack is cornered in a field surrounded by cows, will be stuck there till the farmer calls the cows home, dougal sees pretty flowers on cliff face, father dec calls him back, but he doesn’t hear him has dougal is talking to Mrs Doyle who is in full climbing gear traversing the cliff face with a tea tray stuck in her mouth, she lets go to give dougal his cup of tea and promptly swings on the end of the rope after falling a couple hundred feet…

father mellors stops laughing at jack who is cornered in a field surrounded by cows, when he looks around and see's father dougal heading his way with the craggy island photo album........, father mellors jumps off the stone wall and runs for all he is worth to the craggy island bus stop..........where he is only just beaten by father dec , who also saw father dougal and the photo album....
they wait about 1 minute for the bus, when it arrives they both get on and take their seats, feeling relaxed and a whole lot safer , they start laughing again.............. but with that father dougal pops up from the seat behind them ................... with the photo album............."nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"

mrs doyle gets on at the next stop with a platter of sandwiches, the driver after 10 mins of go-ons jumps out of the moving bus leaving mrs doyle to drive, both father dec and father mellors agree to play hide and seek with dougal instead of looking at the album, they wait, the bus stops, whilst dougal is counting to 10 they jump of the bus at the next stop, the bus moves on, dougal is standing on the other side of the road waving, "what the feck?" we both say, how did he get of the bus?...

we both look at each other for a while, then start to cry........ father dougal crosses the road towards us with a chessy grin on his face, ...

the following day while waiting for mrs doyle to finish mending the roof, father mellors asks father jack if he wanted to have a wash !!!!!!! , father jack starts to shake and lets out a shout of "feck off "...... just as father dougal and father dec walk into the room, and they both say together "ok "and turn and leave the room......
life on craggy island can be confusing........

As both the fathers leave the room leaving father jack to his random verbal abuses, there is a knock on the door, father Dec answers it, there is a dishevelled young man standing at the door who introduces himself with these words “ I have a cunning plan” a plan so cunning, that it will outsmart the cunniest of cunning plans, that have ever been thought to be cunning in the first place”, father Dec looks at father mellors with a blank expression on his face, “do pray tell us what your cunning plan is this time cousin baldrick ?” I enquire, “well it involves a chair with wheels, a big stick, string, a sheep dip, and a bottle of beer.” even more perplexed now father Dec asks what he would need those things for, “well you see, my cunning plan is to tie father jack to a chair with wheels, use the stick to put the Whisky bottle on attached to the string and have father jack ride threw the sheep dip pen whilst trying to get the whisky bottle of the string, and it will only cost you a muddy puddle, 2 rats, and has much sheep dip has I can drink.”

father mellors closes the door on baldrick and waits for a response from father Dec to decide what should be done about father jacks leap year bath…is baldricks plan going to work this time? I think to myself…it took a week last time to get him out of the sheep dip, they had to drain it before he drank it all...

father dec paces for a while........... then stops , and says " by george, i think this baldrick may have the most cunning of plans i have ever heard " .....
father dec asks father mellors to open the door , once again.......... "i have listened to your cunning plan mr baldrick, and i think for a turnip eating fool, its a great cunning plan" father dec says...." but i have a few changes i would like to make.... a chair with wheels !!! you say....... could we just put father jack's chair on a skateboard ?......... and instead of sheep dip , could we use........... aftershave ??? "....

father mellors looks a bit shooked by the words father dec has said , but then remembers all that 'tesco own brand' aftershave mrs doyle had bought himself and father dec for christmas the year before........ and agrees with father dec..........

then all of a sudden there is a loud bang from the living room..................... what could father jack and father dougal be doing ?????

Fathers Dec and mellors go into the living room to find the empty case of Tesco home brand aftershave bottles shrewn across the room with dougal hiding behind the TV, a empty bottle is protruding from the TV screen, and the last bottle is in father jacks hand, father mellors asks father Dec to see if father jack is still breathing by getting the powder mirror crudely attached to a 6 foot bamboo stick from behind the curtain. Father Dec cautiously places the mirror underneath father jacks nose, careful not to touch father jack for fear of waking him up.

Father mellors interjects and says stop I have a plan on how to get father jack to have his bath, “come help me for a minute” I say, fathers mellors, Dec and dougal all leave father jack in the front room alone, they take the mirror on a stick with them, it is needed to complete the plan. The father go into the store room and find a old tin bath, they drag it to the front of the house underneath the window and fill it with a mixture of sheep dip, cilit bang, and domestos, father mellors then takes the mirror on a stick and places it on father jacks nose, father jack jumps from his chair shouts “what the feck” and promptly jumps straight out the window into the bath placed under the window, he scrambles about, is he trying to get out or is he drinking the contents?…

father jack stops scrambling around, and starts to smile............. which scares the fathers , as they have never seen father jack smile before.
then he shouts "DRINK, DRINK, DRINK" ............... the old tin bath is emptied in about 2 minutes, leaving a clean tin bath and a nice smelling , clean father jack....... mission complete....
while all the fathers were having such fun outside, baldrick had entered the house and was having a cup of tea with mrs doyle.., "do you want a nice scone ?.......... go on , go on , go on. " asks mrs doyle.... baldrick looked at her with horror, then pipes up and asks " do you had turnip flavoured scones ?" (as she quite liked mr baldrick) mrs doyle smiles and goes into the kitchen to bake him some turnip scones...........

Whilst Mrs Doyle is in the kitchen preparing the turnip scones for Baldrick he realises that he doesn’t have enough milk in his tea so he gets father Teds paper of the floor and runs his hands threw his scab encrusted scalp, he collects the flakes and pours them into his tea, “mmm just right” he says, he puts the cup down and goes to the bathroom.

Whilst he is gone, father Ted enters the room and picks up what he thinks is his cup of tea that is on the table, next to his paper, and proceeds to drink heartily, Baldrick returns and goes to pick up his cup of tea and notices that the cup is empty, Mrs Doyle is slipping he thinks, he as been here on numerous occasions and never once has his cup been empty, in a confused state, which is normal for Baldrick, he goes into the kitchen to see if his scones are ready, Mrs Doyle turns around and says….

" get out, get out of my kitchen " , but it was too late, baldrick had seen mrs doyle's secret !!........ he had seen her lap top...... and tea making machine....
mrs doyle wasnt as ditzy as she was making out, she was really writing a book about the life of the two fathers..... baldrick was shocked, he asked " edna, is everything you told me a lie ?, do you still love me ?.." mr doyle just looked at the floor and kicked her shoes together...
before she had time to say a word father ted and father mellors walked in , "are we using powdered milk, mrs doyle ? " asked father ted......... father mellors was in shock by what he saw.......... as unlike father ted , dougal, jack and dec..... father mellors was a wise father.. and a laptop on the side made him think ..... and he had always thought that mrs doyle's tea was made by a machine........
unable to keep quiet any longer, father mellors shouted at the top of his voice "..............

"GET ME A FECKING DRINK" i shout, storms off to his room to get the 12 yr old malt from under the bed, father jack is passed out on father teds bed, the bottle is under the matteress, how does he get to it?

then father mellors has an idea................ he creeps over to father jack and whispered in his ear "father jack, father jack......... there is a sale on at the off licence" father jack springs up like a bullet leaving a gun, and in a cloud of dust there he is ........... gone..
father mellors knows when father jack returns he isnt going to be best pleased , but after father mellors has drunk his bottle of 12 yr old malt he wont hear his rants...
just as father mellors is about to drink , father dec walks in with a long face , and a glass.......... can i get some of that please father........ !!!!

father mellors wakes up after 11 days in a coma after drinking his beloved bottle of 12 yr old malt that father jack had been drinking and had topped up with a mixture of windowleen and brake fluid and replaced it back under the matress for a later date to find that mrs doyle has placed a webcam above his bed to podcast from craggy island the daily life of a priest, dougal is still sat on the end of his bed with his empty glass in his outstretched arm waiting for the drink father mellors promised him before unconsiousness took over, the first words that he heard were, "do you want a cup of tea father" with the one eye that was still in focus he sees mrs doyle standing at the bottom of the bed with a tray and a cheesy grin...

it took a few hours before father mellors eyes started to focus, and when they did he could see that father dougal was wearing a nuns habit and stereo headphones...........
father mellor rubbed his eyes and looked again............. yes his first sight was correct... " why are you wearing that dougal" asked father mellors..
father dec tried to stop him but it was to late, father dougal started his 7 hour story about how all his clothes were stolen by a magpie..........
father mellors and father dec looked at each other and started to cry.....................

for all those who are reading this story and have no idea who the other fathers are......... well here is a breif clip to show you father dougal father ted and mrs doyle...
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and finally father dougal finished his story......... and it was then that he noticed he was all alone........ father jack was drunk in his chair, father ted had gone on holiday to rome., father mellors had gone on a quest to find father dec mind..... and father dec and mrs doyle had run off to find the worlds best tea bag.
father dougal sighed and went and watched re-runs of thundercats on tv.

its been a while,
father dougal has been watching thundercats now for nearly 6 months none stop now..

father ted has returned from rome with a signed note from the pope, asking him to keep up the good work...

father jack was sober for nearly 3 minutes back in november, but then again i might of dreampt that........

father mellors went away on a world tour of churches, and got lost near to the local post office......

father dec and mrs doyle, found the worlds best tea bag....it was made by .......... well were would the sence in me telling you, when i have the last bag framed in our house on craggy island.

not a lot has happened on craggy island in the past 6 months but one day ........... father jack may say something other then feck off........... father dougal may change his name to liono............ father ted may find out it was father dec who wrote the note he has............. father mellors may find his way to the ferry port to get off craggy island ........... mrs doyle may make a cup of coffee...............
and i, father dec may go on a new quest to find the worlds best biscuit..........
untill then , i leave you with some words from father jack.................... feck , girls , drink.