a better looking woman...

As a socially anxious person, I often go to craigslist personals if I'm interested in making contact with a woman. It's fairly easy and is low risk. I've done this before, and dated a women I met there for some time.

So I posted recently and have been communicating with this women. I have not met her, but she seems interesting. Someone whom I would like to meet at least. However, she is quite a bit more attractive that myself. It really worries me. I'm short and at best, average looking. Inside, and in my actions, I've always believed in myself. But I have always loathed this shell I'm trapped in. I suffered a lot because of it growing up.

Ugh, so this obviously bothers me a lot. It's hard, especially when you are short. I often equate it to breast size. There's nothing they can do about it, and yet it's going to be something that men judge them on. ...perhaps that's why I've always liked small-chested women...

Often women say stuff like, "looks aren't important to me." However, research on attraction has demonstrated, as common sense suggests, that physical attractiveness often is the only thing that predicts willingness future contact (Hatfield, Aronson, Abrahams, & Rottman; 1966).

So what to do about it? How can you get the insides out, yet keep the outsides from getting in the way?

my wife was very attractive.. guys couldnt keep from flirting, and (she says) she was only being friendly in response... but i know how guys think... anything short of being clobbered over the head is a welcome, come on in...

not for all guys, but, this thinking opened the door to jealousy... which ultimately contributed to killing the marriage.. now i learned...

but, more in line with your question, just keep believing in yourself, you obviously have a kind mind and heart.. if she's not the one, it will become apparant and neither of you need feel less because of it... the one for you is out there... keep trying..

i peruse craigslist... boredom? curiosity? ... i ,et awoman, not really trying, but liked the way she expressed herself..

she was lonely and after about a month or so of e-mailing each other, she stopped.. i still dont know why, but, im not taking on the burden that it was my fault... there was no problem that i can figure out.. she just moved on... it happens...

so, just be true to yourself, its the best way to set up a productive and functional relationship.. no hiding, no lies... i hated having to live up to the image i tried presenting... i feel so much better about spilling my guts (when needed) and if the other is offended or disgusted, she's not the one for me...

dont know if this helps any...

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DavidStrong said:
As a socially anxious person, I often go to craigslist personals if I'm interested in making contact with a woman. It's fairly easy and is low risk. I've done this before, and dated a women I met there for some time.

So I posted recently and have been communicating with this women. I have not met her, but she seems interesting. Someone whom I would like to meet at least. However, she is quite a bit more attractive that myself. It really worries me. I'm short and at best, average looking. Inside, and in my actions, I've always believed in myself. But I have always loathed this shell I'm trapped in. I suffered a lot because of it growing up.

Ugh, so this obviously bothers me a lot. It's hard, especially when you are short. I often equate it to breast size. There's nothing they can do about it, and yet it's going to be something that men judge them on. ...perhaps that's why I've always liked small-chested women...

Often women say stuff like, "looks aren't important to me." However, research on attraction has demonstrated, as common sense suggests, that physical attractiveness often is the only thing that predicts willingness future contact Hatfield, Aronson, Abrahams, & Rottman; 1966).

So what to do about it? How can you get the insides out, yet keep the outsides from getting in the way?

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Have you only seen one picture of her? Women tend to post only pictures which show them at their absolute finest—she may have many other photos which would make you feel differently (maybe ask her to send you some more photos to get to know her better—there may be some unflattering ones in the bunch that make you feel less intimidated.)

(I agree with what you said about women's statements that looks don't matter being disingenuous btw, but I also think that when women "judge" a man's appearance they're not just doing it in terms of physical attractiveness like we do but they're also looking for "markers", i.e. does the man look successful, confident, serious, intelligent, funny, etc., so they're not equating outward appearance and physical attractiveness as much as men.)

Appearances, can get in the way of an initial contact. However, once two people develop an emotional bond, or a cognitive kinship, they can very well put that barrier behind them.

Also, you are more than your physical manifestation. Have you ever met a woman, who initially, didn't look all that great. However, as you got to know her, she looked better and better? Conversely, have you met a woman, who looked great, when you first met her? Then, over a relatively short period, of time, as you got to know her, the luster was lost.

I have an attractive wife. It was a problem for me in the beginning of our marriage. When we were dating she had many male acquaintances, they though it was much more than just that and she had a hard time with some of them and boundaries. I shut that down pretty quickly when we married and later I was always ready to intervene when I felt necessary, which might have, no did, cause some hurt feelings. I am not that way anymore and haven't been for 25 years, sometimes I wish someone would take her away, lol, but that is another story.

If you are going to be with this woman be sure that you understand her personality, she may be outgoing or, she may not be. The way you respond to her and situations when you are out will be crucial to your relationship. Always be confident and project it without being cocky. Be proud to be seen with her and don't worry about other men. We all have our own inadequates and some are more obvious than others.

Just enjoy the time you have together and see what develops.
You won't know unless you move the relationship to the next level.

Good Luck,

something else to be sure to do, is be completely upfront about who and what you are. Make sure she knows you are short, definately exchange multiple pictures with her.

For your first meeting, NOT a DATE, do something interesting but none committal.

I met my wife on Match.com and was upfront about having kids from my first marriage, the financial troubles I was in. Out first date was a hike in a national park. Something that if things seem wrong or awkward, you can easily dodge out of. (opps, got a blister, twisted ankle, leg cramp) we better stop now......(Don't do a coffee date though, those are the worst. My wife blew off a coffee date to go on that hike with me!)

I also had about 20 pictures of myself posted, I've done so many different things with my looks, that she said she didn't think all the pictures were of me! Dyed my hair, beard, moustache combos, long hair, short hair, etc.

Hey David

Physical attraction is in the eye of the beholder. You probably are like most people who fight with self esteem issues (as we all do from time to time, myself included), in that you aren't giving yourself credit where it is due. You are likely paying too much attention to some self-perceived "flaw"---except that it's all in your head, and not a flaw at all. The zit can become the focal point, so to speak, where you ignore all of your good attributes that you bring to the table. You need to focus more on what you like about yourself--physical attraction is very superficial for most women, in that it cannot sustain itself for any length of time that would qualify for a real relationship.

Make sure you are paying attention to how you view yourself, as self confidence comes from within, not from a certain look. It's in the way that you carry yourself, and the interest and effort you put toward pleasing your lady interest. The more you like a certain lady and the more you are interested in learning about her, the more she is attractive to you. Physical attraction doesn't register the exact same from person to person. It isn't from male models and movie stars who are 6 foot 4 inches. As long as you are focusing on only your self-perceived deficits and not on your attributes, the more negative your self-image becomes. What you believe is what you are.

Someone here said it right when they said to enjoy your time with your lady interest. Women want to be cherished and respected; you cannot show this by focusing on your self perceived "flaws." Most women would agree that there is more to a man than height alone; how you take care of yourself matters (so don't be a slob, women hate that), but nothing overshadows the way you show the lady you are interested in her and respect her. Really practice listening skills--don't just wait for the lady to finish speaking so that you can throw your two cents in as most of us do (I've had to work on that one with this happy go lucky ADHD I have going on here). ALWAYS call the lady the next day if you feel you hit it on with her on your date, and DON'T take her to bed (or you could end up with some crazed husband she didn't tell you about or whatever).

You could always work on your self esteem by joining a martial arts program like Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. I did martial arts for YEARS and it really helps in that department (plus, lots more girls than you think . What you might think is SHORT and AVERAGE looking might look like a hot prospect for a future relationship. Trust me that no lady worth a damn is going to go for someone they think is a loser. I read somewhere that ladies make their decision if there is to be a second date somewhere within few hours. If you think you are a loser, then you will project that and she will pick it up. Women are far more intuitive than we are. They can also pick up cockyness REALLY QUICK, and that turns them off immediately; so... the confidence must be sincere or it isn't going to work.

Maybe work on yourself a little bit... boost your self esteem and physical/emotional health (because they are connected) before you go looking for the next Mrs. DavidStrong. Changes don't usually happen overnight so don't be hard on yourself. Look into psychotherapy... at my university campus we have at least one therapist whose focus is on men-oriented issues. I'm sure there is at least one in your area. Take care.

Women love for a man to have self-confidence and a good sense of humor more than anything else (except money, of course).

The best thing to do is to FAKE the whole self-confidence thing. At least for a first date, it will help you to make a good initial impression.

And NEVER worry about a second date while you're on the first one.

There is no greater aphrodesiac than confidence,,,not arrogance but pure comfortability in ones own skin. This inner feeling become a radience that fills any space between ones ears or a concert hall...

Be who you are DavidStrong and be comfortable with all the gifts you have been given and never waste a moment looking at what the other guy has on his plate...You can never give another person your physical appearance but your personality can be contageous...and that is what will last over time..

With Care,

Lenny

David strong!

Go for it! Physical attraction is not always aesthetic......a lot goes on other than that......there are many chemicals involved, pheromones, which we all possess......it is the way you look at each other, the feeling you have around each other.......that matters......looks alone account for only a small part of the process.....

As a woman, I have often been told that I am attractive, or my fiance seems to think so! And compare little to how men "look" it is more how they "are", how they fit, do they make me laugh and so on......my fiance is the first man I have been with that completely embraces the fact that men will try to get close to me, without getting jealous. It is about trust. My man knows at the end of the day, my eyes are only for him.......he just "moves" me that way....

So, think little of that.......if you are attracted to her and she to you, then it there is much going on.......don't fight it.......embrace it!!

And tell stop telling yourself that she is more attractive than you......that is a bunch of baloney......my fiance used to say the same thing about me, and I would just look at him in confusion and say "But I think you are hot!".....

So there you go.......go for it!!! NOW!!!!

In stillness,

Michah

sorry... delete this please

I'm going to go ahead and keep this for the moment, but please realize that only men can post in a men's forum and women in a women's forum, unless the opposite sex is asked to do so by the original poster.

Sorry Clyde.......duly noted.....thought it was just threads we couldn't start......

Cheers,

Michah

Physical attractiveness is not a still photo - it is personality! Think of popular stage singers, who, seen on the street would not catch your eye, but who are idolized for their stage persona's!

Thetimeis and Michah, neither of you should worry about it, I am just stating procedures. Dont worry about it.

You both are fine

and have a nice day...

If you're not comfortable around this woman, then perhaps she is not the one for you. You probably have to enter the relationship without her looks being an issue if it's going to work.

Having said that, I've never had a girlfriend, so take my advice for what it is.

i think some of the other cultures ive read about in relation to arranged marriages are interesting.... in those cultures, it makes me think that the value of the relationship is not built on appearances, but building a relationship with another person... looks and appearance have less emphasis than physical attraction... i think its ok to learn to love someone aside from their appearance... there is so much more to a person than how they appear... looks can be very deceiving.. its whats inside that matters