I feel at the end of my rope

It seems like nothing works out.
My father died when I was 12 with my entire childhood being watching him deteriorate until it finally happened. He told me some stuff that would've been inappropriate for my age like at 8 mentioning how he would want to kill himself due to the pain his disease caused him, but he tried his best to give me a dad and probably only stayed around to be able to do so. Afterward I always just felt broken I couldnt relate to my peers or just about anyone, I had trouble and even an inability forming any kind of bonds. It left me extremely lonely even in a room full of people that were my friends. During my adolescence I never really felt any kind of serious attraction and just decided maybe it was something I couldn't form and accepted that. I ended up leaving school and getting a GED to focus on helping my mother on our farm. After hitting 18 and during covid I decided I needed to do something to live up to the man that put himself through suffering just to give me a father. I focused on being better, having goals and even reached a point of satisfaction in that maybe I couldn't be happy but I can be content.
I ended up meeting a friend through a friend and what I thought couldnt happen happened, I fell in love. I fought against the feeling but eventually gave in and asked her out and she said yes. It seemed like things went well for the 2 months it lasted and as I wanted things to advance, she dumped me saying she "wasnt ready for a relationship" along with all her reasons why and if I was okay just being friends, I agreed and said that if she wanted to be more again to tell me because I'd like that. I feel really ****** and stupid like all along that feeling of being unable to have that was right and I was an idiot for lying to myself believing it was wrong. It's been 6 months and after a bit I i started trying to get back on track find work off the farm because I'm afraid when my mother eventually dies I'll break the rest of the way. I haven't been very successful yet. I'm still in contact with her, and while we didnt talk much for awhile, we started talking a lot again about a month and a half ago. I just keep seeing all the reasons I'm attracted to her and that I'm still in love with her and I hate it, I hate how much I like her, i hate how much her and I have in common, I hate that I finally found someone that could make me feel as happy as she does and like I could find love something I never thought I could have. I hate how being in love has been more miserabIe than happy.I know it's stupid and I have no right to complain about anything compared to a lot of people especially as I'm only 20. I just feel at the end of my rope because I tried so hard and even succeeded at getting better, and it's just falling apart around me again like how everything did when my dad died.

I'm so sorry, Joshua. My goodness. What a wonderful dad you had! And all this beautiful love you have. Someday you're going to find an even more wonderful girl who is going to feel the same kind of love that you have. And later on you're going to be a dad like you had. And you will share with your wife & kids all of your precious memories. Your dad will continue his love through you, & your family will love him, too. God bless you, Joshua. And thank you so much for joining us & sharing your thoughts & feelings with us. Lots of hugs for you!

I can definitely relate to what you wrote from things that happened in my own life so my heart really goes out to you.

I think you are a very noble person, a person of stature to have endured the burdens that were forced upon you by life.

There is a kind of quiet heroism that goes along with bearing unwelcome heavy burdens that weigh down a person and become crushingly heavy. I believe this kind of heroism is even greater than that those rare feats of heroism that make the news.

So I see you are a heroic person.

Maybe I am wrong because I am often wrong about things but forgive me if I tell you a little story.

I know this woman who struggles with severe mental illness that has left her homeless. She lives day to day by begging. Her life is pretty bleak and desolate.

But she found a way to rise above her terrible misfortune.

In gas stations and convenience stores there are often little boxes where people can donate money for charities like the March of Dimes, the Red Cross, St. Jude's Children's Hospital and so on. This homeless lady has given herself a little mission to always donate some of the money she receives to these many charities.

She has given a meaning to her life of misery. And through her many little acts of kindness, I believe she has risen above her many misfortunes and attained a dignity that no one can take from her.

So I think that perhaps it is possible to rise above the terrible misfortunes that crush us.

Once I was diagnosed with a usually terminal illness and had to quarantine myself at home. I was on the medicine of last resort and if it didn't work that was going to be the end of me.

I read a little article about ants. Apparently the ants one sees running around on the ground scavanging for food are the oldest ants, the senior citizens of the ant world. Ants do not leave the colony until they are very old. It is thought that this is because it is dangerous to be running around out in the open. Lizards eat them. People and animals step on them and crush them.

So the job of scavaging is left to the elderly. When I was in quarantine at home, I used to go outside to get the mail and take out the garbage and such things. I felt as though my life was empty and meaningless. So I decide to do something.

I decided to walk carefully outside so as not to step on those little elderly ants that were out scavanging for food. These were tiny little deeds of kindness but they gave my life a meaning.

From there I decided to share some of my food with birds and squirrels and such. And through these little acts of kindness I felt as though I hade achieved meaning in spite of my misfortune.

Thankfully the last medicine I took did cure me. But I think now that a person can perhaps live through any misfortune if he or she has some reason to live. Maybe I am wrong.

In any case, I amso very, very sorry for the losses you have suffered in your life.

Not being in your shoes, I cannot judge how crushingly burdensom they are. No two people are alike. I hope you will find a reason to go on. I hope you will be able to rise above your misfortunes.

Sometimes people crushed by misfortune have trouble even getting out of bed in the morning or even doing the simplest things. For such people even getting out of bed can be incredibly heroic although sadly it is not a heroism that is celebrated.

Wish I knew how to help you but sadly I struggle day by day with my own personal burdens which often seen too heavy to bear.

Hopefully you will find these Forums helpful to you. They have helped me a lot to feel less alone with my suffering.

I also hope that people here with more compassion, understanding, knowledge, experience and wisdom will see your post today and respond with words more helpful than my poor pathetic words.

I salute you for enduring what you have enduring in your life. So much heartbreak and distress! Just heartbreaking!

So very very sorry for your ordeal! Best to you and welcome to these Forums! Thank you for posting what you did. It helps me a lot.

Hello Joshua Bright: I'm sorry you're feeling such despair. But I'm glad you've found us here on MSF. I noticed this is your first post. So... welcome to the forums. I hope you find being here to be of benefit.