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Old Aug 23, 2022 at 03:22 PM
For the last few months I've started seeing a new therapist who has helped me open up and be more tolerant of other people, something I wanted to try in order to be more socially comfortable and meet new people and such. I had high hopes and started being a lot less close minded and more friendly to other people being not so quick to judge them. Thing is I had no real results, instead I kind of realized that I heavily disliked what people my age would be up to and what kind of ideas they had, and I was trying too hard to be somebody I was not, just for the sake of not being alone.

Lately my friendships are becoming more distant, my close friends all have girlfriends and work full time jobs so we rarely see each other, and the little times we meet again just don't feel the same as before. I myself finally got the courage to tell a friend of mine that I liked her (in reality I was in love with her for the past 5 years), but even then things got weird and now we don't talk anymore.

I 'm finishing my studies in a culinary institute, something that has always disturbed my anxiety since it's rather a hostile environment, despite the fact that I love cooking, I heavily dislike the industry and the job itself.

So now I'm currently stuck in a career that I have little faith in and want to take a break from it, but it's all I have to keep my mind occupied. I have a really strong type of pure OCD, I was medicated but in the last 2 months I stopped taking the medicine gradually following my doctor's orders, I haven't had any anxiety but I feel like these intrusive thoughts are becoming stronger.

I dislike going to sleep and I hate waking up, I'm apathethic and feel hopeless but don't want to have any hope. I feel like I don't belong in this world, that people don't really like me as I am and that I find it very difficult to follow standard life, like having a relationship, having a rutinary job and surviving life itself. I have a lot of hobbies and I'm good at what I do, I feel good about myself, but I feel like other people don't, so in a way I feel alone all the time.

My OCD is manifesting in thoughts about this girl I'm still in love with, despite the fact I know she is troubled and would not be good for me, but I can't help but keep thinking about her even with smaller details that just remind me of her like when I pass the benches where we used to sit and talk. I've become addicted to socializing to keep my mind from these thoughts but like I said my friends are distant and just like a drug, after our outtings are over I go back to feeling very low again. I'm basically just living on constant distractions, that are good for me (like socializing, going to the gym or playing music), but they just help to keep me away from my thoughts, and nothing seems to stop.

This next months until the end of year are going to be very difficult, I have to graduate and work instensely for some time so I'm going to be very very stressed, something I don't think my mind and body can cope with anymore after all the childhood trauma I had in which I had to live in fear (it's another story but it lives in my head forever), I have no motivations, no hope that nobody will love me or that I will never meet anybody that is not messed up in my current generation, no hope of ever being fulfilled or being ok. I figure my doctor will tell me to take my meds again but I know these things just make me feel ok and blind me from reality, but don't change the fact that I dislike this life and this life dislikes me. I'm not suicidal, but I really don't want to be anywhere, I just want to sleep and make time pass.

I know it's a lot to read, but thanks for taking the time, I really appreaciate it.
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Old Aug 24, 2022 at 03:31 PM
How awful that you are suffering these things.

I wish I had some real wisdom to share but I cannot function without my psychiatric medications. They don't merely allow me to function but also give me the ability to have joy of living again and peace of mind.

I have been on meds that didn't work very well or only provided me with limited symptom relief and it took me awhile to find the psychiatric medications that had the optimum good effects.

You write so very well. You describe things I have experienced and felt but you put them into words that are so expressive, evocative and visceral. You must be a highly intelligent and sensitive human being.

I hope you find a way to regain hope, joy and peace in your life. The burdens you bear must be so crushingly heavy. Since I am not a doctor or health care professional I know my words must be worse than useless.

So sorry that I was unable to be helpful to you! It is heartbreaking what you are going through!
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Old Aug 25, 2022 at 02:52 PM
Thanks for sharing. I hope you will be able to find a pathway to a sense of deep inner peace.

"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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Old Aug 28, 2022 at 06:57 AM
My specific circumstances are very different from yours but I feel very much the same as you. Itís good that you at least shared what you did. What stood out the most to me is that you are in a very stressful situation to begin with. You donít have close friends or a soulmate that you can really talk to. Number one is that I believe in my own humble opinion that you probably should go back on your meds. You donít want these negative thoughts to constantly be running through your head.

Two , although ANY job can be stressful to any particular person , have you given thought to changing careers ? I know you probably have gone through hell just to get where you are now. But if it stresses you out so much why are you doing it ?
Either that or your going to have to learn how to deal with the stresses of being a chef.

The main thing here though is how I hear how you are just sick of life in general.
And this is where I ID with you. I feel like I donít belong here. Iím really tired and look forward actually to the ď eternal sleepĒ. I know that sounds horrible to say but itís how I feel. I feel tremendously guilty for feeling like this. I know there are millions of people who would change places with me. It seems so selfish and childish to just want to give up like that. But you feel how you feel. You need something to look forward to. You need a purpose in life. I need to share myself with someone. I feel like a Iím totally out of place.

BUTÖÖI didnít make myself so Iím not going to take myself. Iíll wait for the good Lord to bring me home. In the meantime Iíll just try and get some gratitude back into my head. Some POSITIVE thoughts to ruminate on. This is what I think you need also. Iím sorry for rambling so long. I wish you the best and hope you get through this difficult period of your life. Happiness can be just right around the corner.

Trying to Live in the Moment
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