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krechie
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Old Nov 12, 2023 at 04:03 PM
  #1
 
So I'm coming here in need of some advice. I have an unhealthy brother who is constantly being rude and manipulative. And when I try to call him on it, he lies, or misdirects the conversation, and he looks for a way to push my buttons so that I react emotionally. When this happens, he says he walks away because I'm too emotional. The worse is he does this in front of my parents to prove his point and gets out of accountability.

I've recently realized he's been doing this for a good 15 years with me. I have actually torn Achilles tendon at one point, responding to his triggering words: there is no remorse form this guy; He is not a good person .

Talking to him about his poor behavior is impossible, as he evades responsibility and gives in authentic and manipulative answers.
We're both in her mid-40s, and the only thing I can think of now is doing what I did as a teenager growing up with him:
Possible trigger:
because there is no way else to get him to stop.

I think it's ridiculous that I have to resort to
Possible trigger:
to deal with this clown. My other option is to just walk away completely never talk to him again, but then I sacrificed the relationship with the rest of my family.

Does anyone have any experience with this and any advice??

Last edited by bluekoi; Nov 13, 2023 at 12:47 PM.. Reason: Administrative edit - violence. Add trigger icon & code.
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TheGal
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Old Nov 13, 2023 at 08:37 PM
  #2
 
I just posted this elsewhere, but I saw your post and thought it might be helpful to you. (Btw, I don't think you should resort to physical violence, as you could be charged for assault. Keep cool, remove yourself from the situation... leave the room... keep your head.)


What is FOG?

FOG - Fear, Obligation & Guilt - The acronym FOG, for Fear, Obligation and Guilt, was first coined by Susan Forward & Donna Frazier in Emotional Blackmail and describes feelings that a person often has when in a relationship with someone who suffers from a personality disorder.

FOG - Fear, Obligation & Guilt Out of the FOG | Personality Disorders, Narcissism, NPD, BPD


There's a lot more on this site about dealing with narcissists, so it's worth exploring.

Best to you.
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Knickerbocker
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Old Nov 19, 2023 at 07:58 PM
  #3
 
I'm in a similar situation with my dad, only he's much more covert. My brother adopted a lot of his tendencies, but went much more brutal with them. I can tell you that the more extreme the reaction, the more they feed off of it. Physical violence is not the answer and will most likely actually make him worse.

First, I would do some research. Know your enemy. Read everything you can about narcissistic personalities, how they operate, what feeds them, all of the seemingly innocent things they do to trigger you. You might be surprised to find what "normal" things you've been accepting. Sometimes just recognizing what's happening makes it lose its power. This has worked amazingly well for me with my dad. I see through all of the attempts at manipulation and they've just lost all affect. It's almost become a game now, just seeing what he'll try today.

Second, If you cannot cut him out of your life, go as low contact with him as possible. If your family isn't supportive, it really comes down to what you're willing to give up. It might be the best thing in the world to get away from all of it, but that's up to you. If you have to live with it, you need to learn to cope with it and protect yourself.

Third, you have to make peace with the fact that you can only control yourself. The best way to stop the behavior is to stop feeding it. Do everything you can to show no reaction, ignore it, don't acknowledge it in any way. This is going to be tough, especially at first because he will keep stepping up his game to try to get a reaction. If you lose it and react, don't beat yourself up, just try harder the next time. If he keeps going and you don't react, he looks like the jerk. If you don't feed it, he will eventually get bored and look for new victim. If he finds a new victim, pass on what you've learned to help them.

I'm by no means an expert, this is all just from my own personal experience and I'm sure others here have more suggestions, but maybe some of this will help you or lead you in a new direction.

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Flying dove
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Old Nov 19, 2023 at 08:51 PM
  #4
 
I have a golden child brother. He has been toxic belittling etc. This is harsh but I live 1900 miles away. He is charge of my elderly father. For your safety consider hard boundaries with yours. He will not change. Till he dies. He sounds like an agent of chaos. Let the consequences of this unfold on him as they must. I am sorry for your pain
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krechie
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Old Nov 23, 2023 at 10:25 AM
  #5
 
Thanks to everyone, this has been a really valuable advice

I'm getting that bring physical violence won't do any good, as it will probably just make things worse. And I get that he's looking for a reaction from me; I see him pushing buttons.

I have a nephew and niece, then I was hoping to stay in contact with, but I have the option of going no contact with my brother, and I may actually take that.

He behaves this way at the expense of his children having an uncle and I've decided so be it.


For posterity, I'm considering sending his wife a message to let her know why I'm not around for the kids. I'd like to be clear and why I haven't been around. thoughts on that would be appreciated as well, if any.


Bottom line: I have my own problems and I'm not really going to waste anymore time worrying about him.
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