how do you feel like a man?

HeyJoe posted in the 'who's the man' thread that all the guys who struggle to do their best every day are men. That's a great thought that I'm going to keep in the forefront of my mind this week. My problem is, I don't feel 'manly.' I don't feel 'masculine enough.' And I feel like such a loser and a wimp for even voicing that and typing that here. Growing up, I failed recess; I failed 'gym class.' I failed the guys social mileu. I wasn't accepted--I was different. No one likes a brain, even though I never ever said anything about my intelligence, even though I always downplayed my smarts. I suck at anything athletic or team-oriented. I'm just not 'one of the guys.'

Growing up, I was very aware of how easily and natural other guys were joking and goofing around, just getting along, whether on the playground, or in class, in the locker room. I was, and am still somewhat shy.

My therapist told me to think about men like one thinks of music--that they're all different types, but they're all still music. I just don't feel like I'm in the club in the first place. I feel like such a p-ssy most of the time. I feel surrounded by men and constantly reminded how I don't measure up. When I drive, I"ll see all the men drivers being so naturally masculine. I hear the men dj's on the radio. I'll be at the grocery store and I'm so hyper-aware of the male shoppers, and I'm so f-cking self-conscious of whether I appear manly, of what others might be thinking of me. I hate this. I hate feeling like that. I'm middle-aged and feeling self-conscious like some teenager.

At what point do you grow up and feel like a man? I'm such a Mr. Rogers (from PBS) type--but I don't know anyway else to be. I can't help who I am. People say I'm a nice guy, that I'm a gentle guy and kind--I just constantly feel like I don't measure up to the masculine standard.

Growing up, my dad always pointed out to me any guy who was handsome, or was built really good. (He's married to his second wife, but I've always worried about his sexuality.) So I always felt like I was put in my place because I wasn't that handsome, or muscular. On a couple occasions he'd tell me I was a 'fem.' All the boys teased me growing up--and of course the number one put down for boys to use against each other is 'fag.'

I'm happily married (most of the time). I feel completely heterosexual. But then again, I have a very low sex drive, and that's affected by my meds anyway, so I'm not the typcial man who always wants sex.

Ugh, I just don't know what to think in my brain. It's just so pervasive that I don't measure up. . .