Love Story

What follows is pure fiction. In reality, I'm completely happy and fulfilled twenty four hours a day...

When I was young I had a lot of illusions about sex and love. I was captivated by the sensual beauty of women and felt compelled to hold them, kiss them, love them. When I met my wife those passions were unleashed and it was a maelstrom of emotions and sex. Having no real knowledge of women, I projected my experience onto her, assuming that she had the same feelings I did. And in some respects, maybe she did. But regardless, our lives collided with enough force to forever fuse us together and I was happy.

With unbridled enthusiasm we built our life. We had children, got a house, a car, careers and responsibility. It was kind of fun, really. We were becoming adults and I was so lucky, this beautiful creature that I wanted so completely was going to be with me forever.

But something was changing in the background. The house, car, kids, and career became what our life was about while this physical passion I felt for my wife was becoming a burden to her.

Conversations started between me and her and female friends and it quickly became apparent that all of them felt I was insensitive, shallow and despicably male for feeling so strongly about sex. This, I was told, is not what love is.

I was quickly cornered and desperate to be a good person I defaulted to her terms. We focused on our home and family. I dutifully watched for what she needed and tried my best to do whatever that was. And, ya know, it kind of worked. So much emphasis and work on the family created a good life and the only time my wife was unhappy was when we had money troubles or disputes over who should do what chore and when.

But growing inside me was a void. A sort of sadness that conjured abstract images of a slender neck, the curve of a hip, dainty finger tips sliding across skin. Repeatedly I'd shake these images from my mind. It was lust and I'd come to believe that there was something oppressive and ugly about it. The emotions I felt when I met my wife and we caressed so passionately were replaced by guilt for wanting her like this. I knew the reality was that the only way to love her was to suppress those feelings and savor those moments when she felt she wanted sex.

I was on standby. I worked, focused on my children, took care of the house, and detached myself from want. After doing my best to address the barrage of needs from my family, I stood stoically on the back patio, smoking cigarettes and watching life progress through winter, spring, summer, fall, and back again.

Then one night I had a dream. I dreamed I was masturbating in bed and my wife walked in. She looked at me with repulsion and disgust and I was overwhelmed by shame. She said, "I'll never look for love again." Still masturbating I said, "I'll never look for love again."

I woke resenting what my life had become. I wondered how it was that what I felt was wrong? How had my feelings, my experience of love for my wife, my need for her, my love of looking at her, my natural craving to touch her, become grotesque? Why was I a monster?

I ultimately concluded that the biological drives inherent in the sexes were often incompatible. That both sexes wake up one day feeling betrayed by their partner. Men masturbate with pathetic nostalgia for the beautiful woman they fell in love with, and women cry in the dark, abandoning the dream of two people who loved each other the same way.

A suicidal depression washed over me. I'd become a good father but my wife and I had failed to love each other in a way that we both could feel. I felt not just like a failure, but like a dupe because I'd been wired by biology to be a failure from the very beginning. To make matters worse, I had concluded that between the two emotional structures, the female model was the more virtuous one. My wife, after all, was set up to nurture and care and grow the people in her life. I knew that I really should feel ashamed of what I was.

If I weren't so focused on trying to be a good person, I'd probably have cheated by this time. I suspected that this was the point in life when men are prone to cheating. That was, of course, assuming that all men were being pushed along the same path by the biological devil on our collective shoulder. For me it wasn't an option.

I'm told that one day our relationship will come full circle. Passions will be rediscovered and we'll fall in love all over again. I'm not old enough to know if that's true. It might be. But I no longer hope for it. I don't know how to hope for it without leading myself into feeling too much right now and cold detachment is all I have left to get me through the day.

When we see each other after work there's only an obligatory, thoughtless, "hey." When we talk it's about finances or what to do about the child issue of the moment. Sometimes, after the kids are asleep, we'll watch t.v. for awhile. She sits in the chair, I sit on the couch. We don't talk, we just enjoy the show. I look over and catch her laughing at a joke or being moved by a dramatic moment and my heart swells. For a split second I want to take her in my arms but in the same beat, I sink into my seat. It's late, we have to work in the morning. The kids have to be woken up and dressed and sent off to school. Tomorrow night the in-laws are coming over and then I need to fix the bathroom sink.

I decide to let it go. That momentary swell of love is as good as it gets and later, as we lay in bed, not touching in the darkness, I go to sleep without feeling anything.

Cyran0

not a whole lot different from my life....except I dont smoke and I only masturbate at work

life has a certain rhythm to it, and we all get sucked into the void of daily living....im there right now.....

im doing my best , but im by no means happy or content

I love my wife and son, but i too have a empty feeling inside that
fuels my anxiety and depression

faith in God, trusting my own decisions, and staying away from
the negatives.....thats how I stay in check

if you ever wanna talk...........just PM me

Brian

Post deleted by Clyde

< Doing my best but, not happy or content>

We have that in common.

Eric