the Family

ive been a member at PC several years and it seems to me that some members may not be aware of my story.. i've tried many times to begin it and ended with one of these

where to begin? the beginning is always the best they say so i was born about 45 years ago to a loving mother and father..

Mom and Dad divorced when i was near 3 or so, cant remember the exact date but i guess i could look it up like so many other things i think about sometimes..

it hurt pretty bad when they divorced cause it was breaking up the perfect team as far as i felt at the time.. loved them both, still do, always will...

Dad moved away, continued with life, found love and grew up himself (he was about 30 when he and mom married i think...

mom had to work, she was devastated by the divorce and her feelings are still a mystery to me sometimes.. she was injured in a DUI accident that nearly killed her when i was near 9 and i lived with my sister, mom, her second husband and their son, my half brother when it happened... its an event that shapes my life in many ways...

its so hard to watch a loved one suffer and to feel helpless.. i knew being nearby was sometimes the most that i could do and to try to catch her if she falls..

Dad is gettng older now.. we were close when i was young and we lived together at times as i grew up but he married a woman who just seemed to hate me and i could never understadn it... after moms wreck i was sent to live with dad and the other two kids stayed with mom.. it caused a division that is still an issue...

Dads' wife was physically andmentally abusive... i learned to duck physically and stuff emotions ... Dad either didnt notice or didnt want to get involved and i didnt want him to break up with her on my account so i put on my happy smile and went to school... but all really didnt go well there either but at first it did and i made what i thought were friends easily...

i couldnt take any more after 5 years of abuse and luckily i had an escape since mom was recovering and could deal with that many kids again... one day i walked in on my step brother raping his mentally challenged younger sister

i lost control at moms cause when i told dad i didnt want to live with him anymore he said i wasnt his son anymore...

this is about all i can write right now.. i'm feeling really badly and tired and i love you all...

Sometimes it hurts to remember nowhere...

It is so hard to be so young and see power so abused..innocence should never be so abruptly devowered...

I too, was a point in a triangle that was once a circle,,,and have been trying forever since to make circles...

You are a good man sir,,and help so many...

Thank you.

Lenny

your kindness is always welcome Lenny... i get older and now i have time to think back, line up and see with more carity those first events that began this career of healing for me... looking back is sometimes overpowering and overwhelming and sometimes i needed to step away and let my tears fall where others couldnt see... it seemed they rained inside forever.....

im so sorry you experienced those terrible things oasis.. i will never understand what it is that makes one person cause harm to another... even though i have retaliated many times, to begin a hatred is beyond my comprehension.. it slams the gears and wheels of an otherwise caring community of growth and potential... a family is no different.. growth ceases in an atmosphere of incivility... always sending kind caring vibes for you

Love you to NWTR. Sorry to hear about your past. Hope the future and present is MUCH better.

Love you too ((Clyde)))) (psst.....we need more superheroes)

i was never the same after i saw him raping her... i was in shock... i backed away, they didnt notice.... i turned, she wasnt crying then.... i became a zombie

this is where the story begins to fragment, the place where the memories fragment, my different selves... i dont know which way to continue from here, too many 'me's' to try and chase down, to bring into one again, to continue the story...

i escaped from Dads.. he saw too.... he didnt say so to me then, neither did i... we kind of sidestepped it i guess... there was tension in the air... step mom and Dad were fighting and my confusion got deeper and i decided to be silent about it all... i wanted to get away... the walls were closing in...

Dad went into law enforcement after two service discharges.. upper level in a small area... he had to be silent about it.. i didnt know, i moved out, but first i visited mom for two weeks... at the end and in the middle i knew i wanted to move back to my home town.... those mountains always drew me in.... after i told Dad i wanted to live with Mom now, he said he didnt have a son anymore.. i cried very long then.. and Mom sat with me then............ she was so kind and caring to me in that moment... and now i see a sting of tears from her eye and it feels like mine too..

nwtr such a sad story about your past

My question is do you feel that it is your parents fault for the actions you lead to today ?

When I went to my T for those years I found out even though I was mentally and physically abused by my parents that I had control over my actions.

Admitting to myself that I couldn't blame them for all the wrongs that I did was the start to recovery for me.

I learned that it was me making those choices and possibly if they could take all thr abuse back that they would.

I don't want to sound coarse or insensitive because I'm not but it has been my inner strength that allows me to perserver past all the trauma in my life

D

thanks Timber, i do my best to gather good intentions in the words of others to the best of my ability... no, i dont blame my parents, they inherited their reality like i have.... it would just be nice if the abuse ended sometime...

My question here is if you have acknowledged there is a abusive relationship then are you a victim of yourself .

What I mean is if you stick your hand in the fire and get burnt and realize that it hurt and then you continually stick your hand in the fire then you become a victim of yourself.

Not trying to discredit your attempts but attempting to open a line of sight that you have the control and ability to change the actions in your life ....

D

Thanks Tymber, you are helping me get a better grip on this.. you're right, being in the victim role is a no good place to be, thanks for pointing it out..

i spose that is why i write here... it 'unvictimizes' me

the only person that has control over you is yourself ... No One can make you do anything that you dont make the decision to do first

I think you need to dust off the knees pick yourself up stand up for urself and determine if you want control back into ur life

imho

D

im trying to Timber, thanks for helping and reading... we hardly know each other but im glad i can count on you to be a good guy when needed

i am sitting here now thinking about the early years, the influences... my earliest memories of school are in kindergarten.. i had a real hard time with counting to 20, but once i got through that, i could go on to a million! that was power! i couldnt wait to show the teacher and i annoyed the whole class with it..

later, in 1st through 4th grades i was between Kansas and Colorado due to the divorce... some kids were picking on my sister.. they were pretty big but i knew that couldnt be a factor in stopping me.. i defended her anyway and in those days it was only fists and wrestling.. i guess they werent expecting that and they might have decided we'd both be tired by the end of the school year... sister and i have grown close and apart at different times. right now it is pretty sensitive...

was thinking about the ex wife today.. still hurts a lot to think about and dont mean her any harm ... she was younger than i ... she wanted a chance to excel, succeed, raise a family, be in love.... our relationship began as a family kind of friendship.. she was very young then and i watched her grow, was her friend, she fell in love...

i was still in pretty bad shape those days.. i could function but couldnt really connect with my emotions and we didnt communicate well... the depression was overwhelming but i tried to do the right things, the right stuff that would help the family grow.. we had a child together and we both adore him...

but we differed in our ways and the gap grew wider.. i tried to reach her but we kept missing each others hand... it didnt really end well.. a lot of hurt and confusion... circumstances stacked the deck against me... our son loved her so much i finally had to give up the battle.. i didnt want him hurt anymore

when i was married, work took me away from the family a lot... i stayed in touch all i could but stress was driving me 24/7... i would kick back with some beers for some relaxation on the weekends sometimes.. i carried many 12 racks to their grave, always remembering to pour some on the ground for our lost homies... my wife really disapproved... i tried to explain myself but the words wouldnt come then...

i apologize that this is getting mixed up now, the fragmented memories come when i open the door... one central theme in my life that pops up over and over is this topic of homelessness...

Dave, you are right, i control where i go and what i do, and only i am responsible for it... (might be an exception or two tho)

when i was 15 things with mom werent going so good... there were 3 kids and moms broken back, and maybe a cat, i cant remember now... i was the middle chil, the outsider and newcomer...

the family had been trying to reconstruct, moms place in life had just come really heavy for her... her 2nd and last (so far) husband decided that he couldnt stay around and left the state... mom was alone but she had gramma and a cousin her age to lean on..

i was young, fresh really... i thought i had a future somewhere still and i came to moms with a fresh attitude towards it all.. i was lifted whenever i looked up and saw my mountains nearby... gave me hope, energy, beauty to look at almost anytime.. we lived within walking distance and i would dream of rolling down the hills like a cylinder..

i didnt understand a lot of stuff then, i was just glad to be someplace where i wasnt being abused anymore and i enrolled in high school and met my sisters group of friends.. they were different, but it was fun, we were young, smiles, rock and roll, girls and freedom.... mom gave me a lot more fre space than dad ever did...

i knew i was supposed to help mom.... i tried to tune into her needs... she could snap into a dark place without warning and i always stayed sensitive to the switch cause someone got hurt each time...

(((((((((nwtr)))))))))) if ok, thanks for sharing your story
I hope it helps, getting it all out like this, when you feel like it
You are always such a great help to everyone on this site
It's your turn now

Blue

(((Blue)))) i have been following your life now for over one year... my heart has extended to you all the care and support which i alone can summon for you... you matter and are a part of our community... we each care for you in our own unique way and without doubt, we each in our own way, hope or pray for your freedom from suffering... i believe in spirits and powers beyond anything ordinary and i believe, no, i know, that the spirit of good will towards others uplifts many... i have read many of your caring thoughts for our community and i admire many of your traits... i am always praying for you ...