Peri-Menopause, can I help my wife? Everyone, including wormen are welcome to comment

After 20 years together, 3 kids and a good life together, I find myself without any way to communicate to my wife. The monthly swings of PMS are nothing new, and as a man - something I cannot relate to; but a fact all men have learned to live with.

But recently, this out-raged behavior (as my wife hits mid-40's, rounding to 50's) is unbelievable.

The research I have done all indicate perimenopause, or beginning full menopause. But, the mear mention of this sends her spinning into denial and more rage, how could I be so insensitive. The kids, me - we are all to blame, and being told we don't understand - it is all our fault for driving her crazy and disrespecting her.

I urgently suggested she immediately visit her doctor, or at the minimum, give some credibility to the fact, and do some internet research. Also, I told her that maybe talking to her friends, her sister or her mom, may help...but she is not listening, and worse - ignoring any attempt I make at communication (and this out of spite).

The severity of these episodes are getting worse, about every other monthly cycle they escalate - and for the first time, I am actually afraid of the emotional state she got in just a day ago. I do not want to embarrass her by calling her OBGYN directly to make an appointment for her, nor to I want to be 'talking out of place' with her mom - about her (behind her back); but this is getting serious. If is was not so intense - it reminds me of the classic 'All In The Family' episode about Ediths' change, but this is definately not funny.

Our children and me are being told to leave, don't come home, or just go away - again, usually a passing moment; but something is different this time. I am not sure how I reach her, but I do know - this can't go on. Any suggestions?

Hello!

First I would like to applaud you on your efforts. You seem like a good man who is genuinely concerned about his wife.
I think maybe talking to her friends to see how they percieve her now during this time could help. I think any measure which can be taken should be taken. Especially if you feel she could harm you or the children. Let her know when or if you do talk to someone about this that you are doing this out of genuine love and concern for her.
I am also worried about how the kids are viewing her since this may be difficult to explain.
Keep a clear calm tone when talking and if she decides not to listen,
you could go to a family member of hers whom you trust or are close with and tell them what has been going on.
I believe that your wife may be facing problems she feels she can't talk about or it may be hard for her to express.
Suggest going with her to talk to someone- at last measures with no hope you may have no other choice but to talk to her mother- Don't be scared.

You are very brave and noble for sharing your concerns. I wish you all the best and I hope I have helped!

kmk2009,

I'm sorry for your struggle. Is there any chance her behaviour could be put down to something else? I could be wrong but it sounds like more than pre-menopausal symptoms. I think it's important to have her talk to her doctor. You were asking about talking to friends of family members. Would it be possible to have a chat with your own doctor. Explain the situation and your very real concerns and he might be able to offer you some advice.

I sure identify with the situation. I don't think my wife has reached pre-menopause, but this is clearly a difficult time for her, and it has been very hard for me to understand what is going on. Communication is at a standstill, and I have to tiptoe around these issues to avoid an emotional freakout. (I'm not trying to be patronizing by calling it that. I have put others through my own share of emotional freakouts!)

I am going to try to get her to see a marriage counselor with me. She won't go to individual therapy, but I think I may be able to convince to do this. I'm hoping we can find a non-confrontational place to just get some things out in the open and see if we can identify what is really going on. Maybe I'm doing something all wrong, who knows, but I can't fix it if there is no communication and no way of understanding what it is.

It doesn't sound like your wife would be ready for that, but maybe you could consult with a marriage counselor yourself and get some input.

Good luck, I know it is tough.

Hi KMK!
i am going thru the same stage myself..trust me its not easy, specially if you are dealing with mental issues as well, anyways, i am a 40 y/o woman, and dealing with doctors because all of them want to give me all kinds of treatments, and most of them didint do what they were supposed to do, so, i started reading a LOT, searching on the internet, and trying to monitor my symptoms..i use a progesterone cream at night, its wonderful, its called progesta-care-plus, and i have been feeling somewhat better, i do yoga, take vitamin-supplements, keep my pm appointments, as well as my therapys, get acupunture, massages, take my medications (AD)have hobbies, etc, now its not that easy,everyday its a struggle, but, your wife needs to be willing to do it..mostly for those kids, they are watching how their mom is behaving, in a way its not her fault, but its her responsbility to seek help, anywhere, friends, family, church, counseling, etc..good luck!

Hi Kmk2009,
I agree with the other post that your wife is lucky to have a husband who is so concerned. Physicals should be done once a year and they usually run complete bloodwork where they could check her hormone levels to see if she peri-menopausal or in menpoause. If she still has her monthly cycle then she could be peri-menopausal and it would show on the bloodtests. For PMS and peri -menopause she could take the supplements evening primrose oil and estrosense or menosense if she's menopausal. These are available in Canada.
Make sure when you're talking to her that she knows you trying to help as opposed to just making the statement 'you need help'. I'm sure you're not doing that. There are also good books on menopause. I wish I could remember her name, but she the female specialist on Oprah. Maybe you can get her interested in going for some long walks where you can bring up the subject. I think you also should try to be a little firm with her, to get her to take some resposibilitiy for her own health and get her to be pro-active. She has to understand that you and the kids shouldn't have to be victim to her moods. Maybe you can go and buy some books for her. Best of luck to you and your family.

I think this needs to be moved to another forum...only men can respond in this forum

Since kmk2009 asked for women to respond, too, I'm going to go ahead and post. If the thread is moved, it's moved.

Obviously, I can't diagnose your wife, but mood swings can be a sign of menopause. If I were to guess, I'd say it's menopause, not peri-menopause, but I haven't done as much research as you obviously have. I believe I may be in peri-menopause, but possibly menopause itself, although I'm not having the outbursts you're mentioning; but every woman is different.

A gynecologist can do a test to determine if your wife is indeed in peri-menopause or menopause, but getting her to go is the problem, obviously. Maybe try calling her gyno and asking for advice on getting her there, and perhaps describe the symptoms to see if s/he agrees it might be menopause.

She might also get angry because it's a hard thing for some women to face, and if she has the mood swings, that can escalate her emotions. I really wish you luck. Wish I could be of more help.

As long as support is asked for from both women and men, it can stand. If it wasnt asked for from the OP, then it wouldnt be allowed to do so.

I agree with the others your wife is lucky to have such support. It sounds like to me she may be in denial about it. My granmother was the same way. She finally admitted she thought menopause was another sign of getting old. That's not true but until you go through it, you never know how you'll view menopause. So it may just be depressing her because she is thinking along the same lines. No one wants to feel old especailly a woman. I hope she gets better and gets help she needs.

I'm 58 so have been there, done that :-) I don't think you should be quite so "understanding". Your wife's bad behavior is still bad behavior, no matter what the cause. You should tell her how you feel and insist she get help, tell her you will not put up with ranting and raving and downright bad behavior, no matter if she is sick/well/what the "excuse". If you want to enlist her mother's or other female family member's help; tell your wife you are going to do so and then do so (if she doesn't get help for herself first)!

Don't try to diagnose her yourself with alleged Internet "knowledge", I would find that maddening too; concentrate on only telling her how her behavior makes YOU feel. Let her know you love her dearly but the behavior has to go; you all live there too and "majority rules" :-) "Go to the doctor and/or get help or. . . ." and then follow through.

In a calm moment, and in a loving way, have some "When you (behavior), then I feel (feelings)" discussions. Keep them calm and put them on hold until later if they turn into something besides caring discussions.
Insist on some family therapy.
Ya'll need to be able to stop tip-toeing around.
Everyone's needs are important.