Guys and Talking

hey guys, i am starting this thread for the benefit of myself and one of the women members here, so guys, if you could, please add your thoughts and i hope we can be serious about this cause its something that seems to keep coming up and hopefully there are a few others who might be experiencing the same thing and also be interested in learning some new skills..

one of the girls wants to know whats up with us guys? we dont seem able to communicate with them about thier inner feelings and instead, (for her), we seem to tune out, not be interested, then, once we realize we've made the mistake of not being attentive, we reverse and want to talk, but by then, the girl has lost her own interest in the matter and the topic becomes about 'why dont you hear me the first time?' (hope ive got that right for the girl who asked me to post this... i have a difficult time believing that men dont care...

lets hear some guys thoughts on this, ok? for me, i guess i work very hard at finding solutions to the problems i become aware of during my day and i know i spend a fair amount of time in trying to find understanding and come to a peaceful place in my own mind so the rest of the day can go a little more smoothly.. again, all self serving...

i guess when another person, whether male of female, approaches with a problem that hasnt yet presented itself to me personally, my initial reaction might be, but not always, to minimize the issue for myself, them, and all concerned.. have men become so loaded down that we automatically reject others complaints as invalid and that is the way we minimize the amount of deep emotion we are required or requested to process? have we become so 'dont sweat the small stuff' in our own lives that we are somehow minimizing any problem we become aware of so that we are then allowed to spend more time in a relaxed state of mind and, is this selfish, healthy, or just how we are trying to cope? how can we reach out and make the connection it seems our girls are trying to make with us?

if we were able to resolve these relationship questions at home, would we be more functional in our communities and at work too and would that increase our overall state of health?


thanks for any thoughts in advance, i know the girl is very sincere in wanting help in understanding so i hope we can give her some real information and ideas from a guys point of view

Big question.

I can agree with that one for starters. Looking for a "peaceful place" amid life's problems...it's not about denial, which I think we are sometimes accused of, but just trying to keep an even keel.

And that's probably even more true for those of us with mood disorders.

For me, having an emotionally-charged conversation about a problem, which might be seen as "venting," really just gets me more upset.

But there are times when an open discussion of a problem would prevent getting upset at all, and I realize that.

I admit I'm leery of the communication gender wars. There is a lot of stereotyping that goes on and soon both parties have a Catch-22 where they can't say anything without "proving" the stereotypes.

Reminds me of the old joke, "If a man says something alone in a forest, is he still wrong?"

Wow. That hits the nail on the head with me. It also does not help when my anxiety associated "worries" are continually belittled. Solitude is very helpful at times for me.
Greg

"For me, having an emotionally-charged conversation about a problem, which might be seen as "venting," really just gets me more upset."

thanks guys, i havent recieved a reply yet from the lady member here about this so i'll add a few more comments and we can see where this goes from here.. also, its hard for me to predict when i will be online right now so i may not be able to keep up on this as much as i would like to but feel free to add any more thoughts you have ..

i appreciate the comment regarding 'gender wars'... its happened to me too at times when i am really trying to understand something and a slip of the tongue gets me in some predicament that isnt very easy to backtrack out of and i think the high emotion of the moment turns what might have been a valuable learning experience into one where a lot of misunderstanding occurs.. its times like this that i feel like i am unburying the dead and turn silent and withdrawn, telling myself that i should have left the subject alone, locking myself into another kind of catch 22...

i dont know the girl well enough to speak exactly what she feels but i perceive it is not a gender war she is trying to instigate and that she is really trying to find understanding about this all, as i am also..

it seems that if we could meet on equal ground, with no intent to harm, an open and honest discussion about the issue would eventually lead us all into greater understanding... its when we say things like "women are like this" or, "men are like that" that we create a division and lose the common perspective that we share (which is that we each are confused about this some)

if we are having a discussion about differing perspectives i have learned it is most beneficial when we can with-hold any comments that might make the other feel inadequte in any degree... the common term is 'walk on eggshells'...

it seems some of us have grown harder edged in viewpoints after a number of these type discussions and in a way become our own enemy when we quickly move to our individual corners and begin tying on the boxing gloves...

in other words, we have conditioned ourselves to expect a battle and we position ourselves from the same familiar vantage points and we shouldnt be surprised when we arrive at the same disagreements...

after many attempts we could learn that the old ways arent working for us and if we can, find a new approach towards the problem, one with less head butting and more willingness to accept the others feelings..

i dont know the girls boyfriend and so i cant say what blockages are preventing a healthier communication between them but it sounds to me like each may need to play the role of referee for themselves and each other so they can work past some of the current obstacles...

Greg, solitude is indeed a balm for the soul at times

praying you each are well..

is it even a possibility to grasp their inner feelings never mind communicate about it with them?

hi echoes long ago

it is possible to find understanding but it isnt always easy.. its hardest for me to not let whats being said become harmful because when i was younger my family relations with a few of the family members left emotional scars that even now remind me of feeling helpless to defend myself and in conversations i sometimes hear things that really arent being said.. my current girlfriend is helping me to work with this so i feel really grateful that we are able to work on it together.. we still have misunderstandings and sometimes our feelings get hurt but we are very careful to say i love yous during the talk and that keeps us mellower.. we let each other be imperfect and we practice letting go of any hurt feelings that come out of our talks so it doesnt build up over time and continue causing problems.. once something is talked about we dont repeat words said from a previous misunderstanding, we forgive and start over fresh after every talk..

the woman who asked me to post this sent a pm letting me know that the guys help here is helping and they are beginning to have more discussions together.. thats great news! thanks everyone

I believe the answer to this riddle lies somewhere in the Garden of Eden when Eve ate the apple and all hell broke loose.....

When the creature known as "Man" can grasp and understand the inner workings of the female species, I believe the Earth will stop rotating and humanity will cease to exist

maybe this so called "tuning out" is simply our way of reverting back to the days when the caveman left in the morning with his sphere and didnt know if this was the day the Triceratops was gonna smash in is noggin like a rotting tomato

we are wired different...women can plug in and plug out easily because they are all 110 volt appliances...capable of running on low amps, but break down easy as well

men are like 460 3 phase motors that must pump massive voltage day in and day out to
feel like we are what we were intended to be...we run on and on and on without much
hesitation and little maintenance other than a complete overhaul (mid-life crisis)

If any of this makes sense your doing better than me

"be like water and flow" ~ Bruce Lee

well Brian, its an answer and i see the humor in it lol, yeah, you are right in a lot of ways about men and women being different... please dont think i have no humor, its just that you are better at telling jokes than me and im glad you added something to the thread...

i think you are saying that we are different in fundamental ways and that is true, but we are the same in many ways too, right?

its the differences that make it hard but i cant live with shutting myself out completely... last night i was thinking about this and i think what our anonymous poster is really doing is carrying the torch of love and doing what she can to make it real for herself and another.. i will thank goodness for the thought of it...

one thing i think is important for me to remember is that the level of commitment is what determines the amount of hassles we are willing to go thru and to make love work, full commitment (not in an asylum hopefully) is required...

Best always Brian

I think that it is the responsibility of the person who has a problem that he/she wants to discuss with someone the degree of importance that this issue has for them. People tend to complain and gripe fairly often thoughout the day and most of this is fairly trivial. But when a particular issue is truly important to the person, then they need to effectively convey this importance. Otherwise, how are we to know?

Personally I have been studying how to talk and listen to women for the last 12 years. I wanted to be able to communicate with women, especially my wife and daughter. I had no idea how different it really was. I have also been working on emotions and feelings, since that is what most women use. It was really an eye opener. I can watch a movie now that I have seen in the past and understand so much more about what is going on. Sometimes it is like I missed half of what it was really about.

I think some women also have a problem not being able to understand how men don't have to think about things. If a guy asks you what color your walls are you can say white and he is happy. If a woman asks, you better answer coconut creme delight or know the number of the color and brand. The guy looks and sees a white wall. A woman may see a stand of coconut trees, smell the ocean breeze and feels the warmth of the sun.

I look at the world from two sides now and really enjoy it. I am still learning.

i agree Trevor... like the old saying in business... 'location, location, location' ... in relationships its .... 'communication, communication, communication'

high five! (that means, i agree )