[babyfairyfifi]

Since my mum died on Tuesday, I've been unable to grieve.

I shed more tears for my dog that I had to euthanise on Wednesday than I did for my mother's passing. In fact, I think my mother's passing gave me the courage to do the right thing by my dog as he was suffering so badly.
9 fits in 24 hours and constant painful screams was just a bit too much for us all to bear.

I now feel that I'm filled with deep sighs that can't be released.
My blood pressure is up, I'm not surprised.

My question is, does anyone recognise this feeling ( or lack of it?) and is it connected to the complex relationship that a child has with a parent of NPD?
And does anyone know if there is anything I can do to 'kickstart' the grieving or is this just how it is? I'm usually very much in touch with my emotions and am pretty self aware, but this thing has just got me beat.

I'm going to try acupuncture, it sometimes works for me.

Help!

I think it is not unusual to have a period of numbness after a loss. After I lost a partner to cancer, I didn't seem to be grieving in ways I expected to. But eventually, as I began thinking and remembering her in a natural way, the waves of grief were there. We all have our own style of grieving. I don't think there's a recipe for doing it right and getting it over with. And yes, grief would certainly be complicated by a difficult relationship. Not that it won't happen, but there might be other things that arise first, like relief, a sense of freedom etc.
Be gentle with yourself

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by babyfairyfifi

I shed more tears for my dog that I had to euthanise on Wednesday than I did for my mother's passing.

My deep condolences for both your losses.

My feelings for my own mother have become complicated beyond my understanding. I'm not surprised grief at your mother's passing has not arrived as one would normally expect.

Originally Posted by babyfairyfifi

I now feel that I'm filled with deep sighs that can't be released. ... does anyone know if there is anything I can do to 'kickstart' the grieving or is this just how it is?

Do you have or can you create a mourning ritual, something that sends the message to yourself and the world you are saying goodbye to your mother? Emotions may or may not accompany it, but at least you would have a point in time and space which eventually could serve to attract or draw out the grief.

[mickie1967]

Originally Posted by babyfairyfifi

Since my mum died on Tuesday, I've been unable to grieve.

I shed more tears for my dog that I had to euthanise on Wednesday than I did for my mother's passing. In fact, I think my mother's passing gave me the courage to do the right thing by my dog as he was suffering so badly.
9 fits in 24 hours and constant painful screams was just a bit too much for us all to bear.

I now feel that I'm filled with deep sighs that can't be released.
My blood pressure is up, I'm not surprised.

My question is, does anyone recognise this feeling ( or lack of it?) and is it connected to the complex relationship that a child has with a parent of NPD?
And does anyone know if there is anything I can do to 'kickstart' the grieving or is this just how it is? I'm usually very much in touch with my emotions and am pretty self aware, but this thing has just got me beat.

I'm going to try acupuncture, it sometimes works for me.

Help!

being a nurse and exposed to hospice situations, i've learned that people go through the grieving process at different times and can alternate between the all the emotions...denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance....but it is important to go through the process eventually or it can lead to problems later...i don't think it is something you can force and because of the difficult relationship maybe your grief is delayed...

sorry for your losses..hang in there

[babyfairyfifi]

Originally Posted by ripley

I think it is not unusual to have a period of numbness after a loss. After I lost a partner to cancer, I didn't seem to be grieving in ways I expected to. But eventually, as I began thinking and remembering her in a natural way, the waves of grief were there. We all have our own style of grieving. I don't think there's a recipe for doing it right and getting it over with. And yes, grief would certainly be complicated by a difficult relationship. Not that it won't happen, but there might be other things that arise first, like relief, a sense of freedom etc.
Be gentle with yourself

Thanks Ripley, I hear you on the relief and sense of freedom thing. Those feelings were the first to arrive. Naturally they come with a certain amount of guilt attached to them. No one is meant to be relieved at a parents death are they? It's almost disrespectful to admit it, but that is how it is when you have a parent with NPD. But then I know I'm preaching to the converted here, you all know this all too well.

My sister is feeling the same numbness , not surprising really, since her relationship with mum was difficult as well, probably not quite as complex as mine as she was quite prepared to be a source of supply so never quite challenged mum in the way I did. But then IMO I feel she never had the privilege of really growing up and saying I'm not scared anymore.

I'm glad I was able to come to terms with Mum and her NPD before she died. I'm glad I was able to take a stand against being her supply and reclaim my own adult self...and survive.

There is this lingering feeling that I contributed to her swift decline by withdrawing my supply. Narcissists just can't live without their primary source can they?

I shall just have to learn to live with it.

[babyfairyfifi]

Originally Posted by Rohag

My deep condolences for both your losses.

My feelings for my own mother have become complicated beyond my understanding. I'm not surprised grief at your mother's passing has not arrived as one would normally expect.

Do you have or can you create a mourning ritual, something that sends the message to yourself and the world you are saying goodbye to your mother? Emotions may or may not accompany it, but at least you would have a point in time and space which eventually could serve to attract or draw out the grief.

It's really comforting to know that there are others out there who REALLY know how it feels to be a survivor of a parent with NPD.

Interesting that you suggested a mourning ritual as the very first thing I did, and couldn't do it fast enough, was to scan into Face Book pictures of my happy times with my mother as a child when it was natural and normal to adore and worship her, before I saw her faults, when she WAS my world and she was a glamorous goddess. I created an album of these happy memories as a public tribute to my mum. I somehow avoided those pictures where she was my adult mum.

I think I know why.

Thanks for being there for me.

[babyfairyfifi]

Originally Posted by mickie1967

being a nurse and exposed to hospice situations, i've learned that people go through the grieving process at different times and can alternate between the all the emotions...denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance....but it is important to go through the process eventually or it can lead to problems later...i don't think it is something you can force and because of the difficult relationship maybe your grief is delayed...

sorry for your losses..hang in there

Thanks Mickie, appreciate your advice. I'm aware of the Kubler Ross model of stages of grieving through my studies to be a counsellor. I've not been able to digest them on a personal level yet. I suppose that the numb feeling could be explained as a sort of denial. Although its a bit more complex than that as relief is mixed in too.

Sometimes words just can't express things .

Originally Posted by babyfairyfifi

There is this lingering feeling that I contributed to her swift decline by withdrawing my supply. Narcissists just can't live without their primary source can they?
I shall just have to learn to live with it.

Narcissists want us to believe that they cannot survive without them. That is how they keep us hooked into the cycle of guilt, shame, self-doubt etc. ad nauseum. But that is a crock of ____.
Your mother's death is not even remotely your fault. I suspect it is her voice in your head suggesting that. Tell that voice to bug off!
And yes, good for you for having stood up to her and then reached a resolution. My interim therapist asked me the other day if I had ever seen anyone stand up to my mother. The answer was no, so she said "no wonder the thought of it terrifies you, she has never lost any of her power in your eyes."

As for whether one is 'meant to be relieved by a parent's death', relief is just a feeling. And feelings do not obey the arbitrary shoulds and should nots of cultural values. I think in some cases relief is a healthy response. And it does not mean you will not also feel grief. Your mother was as multifaceted as all of us are. So as you have said, you will also miss her. Each has a place.

[babyfairyfifi]

Originally Posted by ripley

Narcissists want us to believe that they cannot survive without them. That is how they keep us hooked into the cycle of guilt, shame, self-doubt etc. ad nauseum. But that is a crock of ____.
Your mother's death is not even remotely your fault. I suspect it is her voice in your head suggesting that. Tell that voice to bug off!
And yes, good for you for having stood up to her and then reached a resolution. My interim therapist asked me the other day if I had ever seen anyone stand up to my mother. The answer was no, so she said "no wonder the thought of it terrifies you, she has never lost any of her power in your eyes."

As for whether one is 'meant to be relieved by a parent's death', relief is just a feeling. And feelings do not obey the arbitrary shoulds and should nots of cultural values. I think in some cases relief is a healthy response. And it does not mean you will not also feel grief. Your mother was as multifaceted as all of us are. So as you have said, you will also miss her. Each has a place.

Thanks so much for that piece of wisdom Ripley. It certainly hit the spot!

I love this place.