[mediummac]

Hi everyone -

Sorry, this is a long one!

Six weeks ago, I broke up with my boyfriend after 20 turbulent months together. Although I have specifically asked him not to contact me, to give me space to move on, he is finding reasons to get in touch on a weekly basis, and is now looking at buying a flat in London, ten minutes from mine, in a neighborhood he knows I visit frequently. He has told me on the phone how desperate he is to play the field, is already back on dating sites and last night, when I was out having dinner with a girlfriend in central London, he turned up at the same pub on a date. I asked him to leave, and they did.
Having had some distance from him, I now accept that, sadly, he is extremely damaged – I suspect he is a narcissist and a bully. He had a difficult childhood and I see a lot of his father in him. While flooding me with compliments, he also made countless negative comments about my appearance, about my neediness, about his need for space, while frequently phoning me several times a day. He was very hot and cold with affection – extremely loving, affectionate and demanding one minute and then rude and cold the next. He was extremely stingy, paying for nothing, panicking about money, but regularly buying himself lavish gifts such as an £80 biro or a new camera. When I cried – whether about our relationship or about something other than ‘us’ – he left the room, saying I was reminding him of his depressed mother and he couldn’t handle it. He was not really interested in sex, but blamed me for his lack of libido, saying I was too maternal and supportive and therefore not sexy enough. He got extremely angry with me because I once sent him a text message while he was in therapy – he refused to put his phone on silent but expected that I should remember when his sessions took place. He discussed moving in together with me a few times (I made it clear I wanted to), but would always behave appallingly soon afterwards, causing a row – and would then say that we’d now blown the opportunity, that his confidence in our relationship was dashed and that moving in together was now off the table again. A stronger person would have walked out, but I am clearly not strong. I so very much wanted it to work out.

I look back on the past nearly-two-years and see it as a baffling nightmare. I was walking on eggshells throughout and I can’t believe I lied to myself so effectively. I just can’t believe I put up with it! I am so disappointed in myself. While I categorically do not want him in my life any more, nonetheless, I am still hurting a lot – and that frustrates me. I want to feel positive and happy to be free, but instead I feel panicked and devastated. My friends and family want to support me, but I lied to them so much about the extent of his treatment – I covered up for him because I wanted to believe the relationship would eventually work out. Now that I am slowly admitting to myself and to them how awful it really was, they are understandably confused because all along I protected them from the truth and was so convincingly kind and generous about him. They still see my ex the way I described him for 20 months: the funny, damaged one who did his best to make me happy. But the real story is, he used me – he couldn’t help it, but he did. And worst of all, I was complicit in the process. I facilitated it. It took two to tango. And now he’s on the lookout for his next victim. She looked so lovely, happy and excited to meet him. Poor girl.

My concern is that it will be hard or impossible for me to recover and find renewed self-esteem. In particular, I am worried about making the same mistake again in future, and I’m wondering if anyone else has been through this and successfully come out the other side? I feel like such an idiot. I am 36 and would love to have a family, but I feel very aware that my desperation to find Mr Right led to me making very bad decisions and putting up with things I shouldn't have. I know we only broke up very recently – it’s early days, I have some wonderful friends and loving parents, so the foundations are good. But I am in shock that I put up with so much for so long. It’s not his fault, but I don’t really believe he will ever change and I am so angry with myself that I was so naïve as to hope that I could be the one to love him out of his depression. I should have known better.

If anyone could be kind enough to share any stories with me, particularly of their recovery after a break-up, I would be extremely grateful. I feel desperately sad and terrified. Thanks so much for reading...

[Thorn Bird]

Originally Posted by mediummac

Hi everyone -

Sorry, this is a long one!

Six weeks ago, I broke up with my boyfriend after 20 turbulent months together. Although I have specifically asked him not to contact me, to give me space to move on, he is finding reasons to get in touch on a weekly basis, and is now looking at buying a flat in London, ten minutes from mine, in a neighborhood he knows I visit frequently. He has told me on the phone how desperate he is to play the field, is already back on dating sites and last night, when I was out having dinner with a girlfriend in central London, he turned up at the same pub on a date. I asked him to leave, and they did.
Having had some distance from him, I now accept that, sadly, he is extremely damaged – I suspect he is a narcissist and a bully. He had a difficult childhood and I see a lot of his father in him. While flooding me with compliments, he also made countless negative comments about my appearance, about my neediness, about his need for space, while frequently phoning me several times a day. He was very hot and cold with affection – extremely loving, affectionate and demanding one minute and then rude and cold the next. He was extremely stingy, paying for nothing, panicking about money, but regularly buying himself lavish gifts such as an £80 biro or a new camera. When I cried – whether about our relationship or about something other than ‘us’ – he left the room, saying I was reminding him of his depressed mother and he couldn’t handle it. He was not really interested in sex, but blamed me for his lack of libido, saying I was too maternal and supportive and therefore not sexy enough. He got extremely angry with me because I once sent him a text message while he was in therapy – he refused to put his phone on silent but expected that I should remember when his sessions took place. He discussed moving in together with me a few times (I made it clear I wanted to), but would always behave appallingly soon afterwards, causing a row – and would then say that we’d now blown the opportunity, that his confidence in our relationship was dashed and that moving in together was now off the table again. A stronger person would have walked out, but I am clearly not strong. I so very much wanted it to work out.

I look back on the past nearly-two-years and see it as a baffling nightmare. I was walking on eggshells throughout and I can’t believe I lied to myself so effectively. I just can’t believe I put up with it! I am so disappointed in myself. While I categorically do not want him in my life any more, nonetheless, I am still hurting a lot – and that frustrates me. I want to feel positive and happy to be free, but instead I feel panicked and devastated. My friends and family want to support me, but I lied to them so much about the extent of his treatment – I covered up for him because I wanted to believe the relationship would eventually work out. Now that I am slowly admitting to myself and to them how awful it really was, they are understandably confused because all along I protected them from the truth and was so convincingly kind and generous about him. They still see my ex the way I described him for 20 months: the funny, damaged one who did his best to make me happy. But the real story is, he used me – he couldn’t help it, but he did. And worst of all, I was complicit in the process. I facilitated it. It took two to tango. And now he’s on the lookout for his next victim. She looked so lovely, happy and excited to meet him. Poor girl.

My concern is that it will be hard or impossible for me to recover and find renewed self-esteem. In particular, I am worried about making the same mistake again in future, and I’m wondering if anyone else has been through this and successfully come out the other side? I feel like such an idiot. I am 36 and would love to have a family, but I feel very aware that my desperation to find Mr Right led to me making very bad decisions and putting up with things I shouldn't have. I know we only broke up very recently – it’s early days, I have some wonderful friends and loving parents, so the foundations are good. But I am in shock that I put up with so much for so long. It’s not his fault, but I don’t really believe he will ever change and I am so angry with myself that I was so naïve as to hope that I could be the one to love him out of his depression. I should have known better.

If anyone could be kind enough to share any stories with me, particularly of their recovery after a break-up, I would be extremely grateful. I feel desperately sad and terrified. Thanks so much for reading...

I would be happy to share my story with you but I think this thread needs to be move to partners with pd's I had to stop posting here because for some reason I was reported by the narcissists - it seems they have more of an issue dealing with non's than we do with them! so please move your post and I will gladly answer and for what it is worth you are not alone