I need some help with taking things too personally

Back in 2007, I was diagnosed with cluster b (narcissistic, histrionic and borderline); the whole package.

In 2013, I was tested again and it changed to cluster c (avoidant/obsessive) with remnants of cluster b, but only borderline and a little narcissistic personality disorder. The more prominent disorders were the obsessive and avoidant, so now I have waaay too many personality disorders

I'm taking it in stride and doing my best to remind myself that people, other than myself, are important, have feelings, insecurities, etc.

But I'm still having one huge problem: The tiniest insult will piss me off for days, weeks, sometimes months. One downvote from a comment on another site and I feel my hands become cold and numb, the back of my neck begins to pulse, I feel heat all around my body, my heart races, my mouth drys out and I feel paralyzed but my eyes are wide open. My reasoning simply shuts down and I become pure instinct. I feel pure bloodlust. I cannot stop it. I want to do something to get revenge; to teach them not to bully other people. It all goes back to when I was bullied a lot in school. I feel like a vigilante, setting out to troll the trolls; to expose them; to find them so I can walk up to their door and stare them in the face, face to face. Look them directly in the eyes and just ask them why. I get this urge to hack the site to find their IP address (which I know someone who actually can). I start thinking about stalking them, finding them, ruining them and doing it all using loopholes in the law. I don't argue because I know that an argument will just go on forever. I want to take action. If they piss me off severely (usually when I say something kind and I get whipped for it [trolled]) it sets me off like you wouldn't believe. I begin fantasizing about capturing them and torturing them; keeping them alive for as long as I can. I get off on the idea. It makes me happy. It feels like heaven.

Of course, since I have to much to lose, I could never do such things. I understand that people have freedom of speech but some people take it too far. Harassing, bullying, hurting because you think you are anonymous is cowardly. I want to put a stop to this so passionately. People should be nice and considerate of others.

My defect is this: Once someone makes me angry, my brain suddenly reasons that they are not real, nor aware, nor important and, therefore, disposable. They are nothing.

When I snap out of the anger, they are living, breathing people again and I don't want to hurt them.

I want to NOT FEEL ANGER, EVER. PERIOD. It is counterproductive and harmful to my progress. If I could get rid of it then people can say whatever they want and I wouldn't care. God, I wish I could do that. Being angry is miserable and I do anything I can to get rid of it and go back to being chill and laid-back again. I LOVE being in an good mood. Go figure.

This is something I am discussing with my therapist but appointments are too far apart, making progress too slow.

I don't want to hurt anyone. I can feel it welling up inside of me. I stay in my house in fear that I will hurt someone and not be able to stop myself. I don't mind that I get angry, if I lived in a world populated by only myself, but I live in a world where I have to get along with other people. I have no choice but to hold most of who I am inside and hide; put on my metaphorical people-mask and socially-acceptable corset before I go out the door and into the world. That corset gets tighter every year. I feel confined. It has been killing my immune system and I feel like I am dying.

I want to go out into the woods and just climb trees and scream and screw and be wild; just let it all out. I want to smash things, draw on things, stab, kill, just go nuts. The compacted energy hurts and is starting to make life a bit confusing.

My mother (whom I never knew) had severe paranoid schizophrenia. My sister has it and I feel it activating with age. It's the kind that kicks in as you get older and it's scary.

This is why I wanted to die. I don't want to hurt anyone. Dying will save them all from me. I am a mistake of nature. I NEED to be removed for the safety of others. I am afraid that if I live longer, I will hurt someone. So far, nothing has happened. I have never assaulted anyone, nor followed through on my threats. I have no criminal record. I've tried my best to do everything properly. It's confining. I don't want to feel anger.

This post is coming from a trigger that happened earlier last night. I'm still fuming. I can't move. I want to go to bed but I can't move.

But shame on me for opening my mouth and having an opinion.

Hi misskrome, firstly you are NOT, NOT, NOT "a mistake of nature".
And just a little to try to convince you:
"doing my best to remind myself that people, other than myself, are important, have feelings, insecurities, etc"
"to teach them not to bully other people" Caring about how people should behave towards others.
"Harassing, bullying, hurting because you think you are anonymous is cowardly." Isn't good is it?
"I understand that people have freedom of speech but some people take it too far" Seems a balanced opinion to me.
"People should be nice and considerate of others" Right on there!! doesn't always happen but right on!!
"When I snap out of the anger, they are living, breathing people again and I don't want to hurt them" We'll come to the anger, but the rest.........cool!!
"Being angry is miserable and I do anything I can to get rid of it and go back to being chill and laid-back again"
"I don't want to hurt anyone"
and you said again
"I don't want to hurt anyone"
"I don't want to feel anger"
OK I've selected bits, but those bits ARE there!!! Now I'd say that the underlying problems are the feelings you're having, not you as a person, right??
So let's try to think of things that may help you with those (and sorry but you're going to have to help me too on this!!).
Just some ideas: Have you tried working through things on stress relief, lots of things out there on-line??
Is there anything you could add to your life that may make you feel less stressed in general e.g. activities or yoga (??) ?
Have you tried mindfulness? If you have have you tried it again from different (lots of different) sources? Sometimes the way it's put across can be a bit "alien" (?) not workable, but if you find an approach that can hit the mark for you..........
Have you tried any anger-management courses??
Have you tried going back...and back....and back to a pdoc and saying "Actually........."
Have you tried looking and looking and looking into back-stories of why people might bully........You're absolutely right there's NEVER (!!) an excuse for bullying but some people who do that might have gone through/be going through so much hurt/pain to lead them to do that e.g. suffering real "soul destroying" abuse themselves. Maybe this may help with the amount it effects you personally that little bit more.
Maybe "open your mind" more to different perspectives e.g. is an insult really an insult or can it be interpreted or used a different way??
And, anyway at all you can see your therapist a bit more regularly??
Or even talk to someone about the way you're feeling in between times?? Either in general or if those feelings arise??
Right just some thoughts, but like I said you might need to help me on this one, so if I'm way out there, just let me know and we can talk some more if you want.
But whatever: SAY IT WITH ME (!!), "I AM NOT A MISTAKE OF NATURE".
You just need some help with this and well done on reaching out for that!!
Alison

Wow, do I hear the OP. I've been that mad. Often. I eat my aggression and, no, it isn't healthy. Just know you're not alone. I have the urge to beat the crap out of someone every day. Fortunately, I don't want to live in prison, so I behave.

I don't know. Sometimes it is difficult for me to discern what makes me who I am. Feelings, both positive and negative, are who I am. I do not understand what I am outside of those feelings. I didn't know there was a such thing.

I've had 24 years of constant therapy, 7 institutionalized. Yeah. We've tried almost every medicine on the list (and some which aren't). I have allergies to most of them so I cannot take them. The ones I'm on now are okay but not strong enough to make me feel safe. I have expressed this to the new doctor. She, among others, have already reached the point of "Well, sweetie, there isn't much more we can do for you." I don't like hearing those words. I feel with age it is getting worse. I feel myself becoming more and more dangerous. I will do anything to not be locked up again in those places. They are hell. If they want to again I would just tell them to save some money and just kill me because they aren't going to do anything I haven't already seen before. I mean, I'm in my 30's, had to shamefully go on disability after working my butt off for a decade and going to school. I sometimes think those hateful people have a point when they tell me I am a waste of life. What the hell good am I for if I can't go outside or interact with people on a functional level? It's just that it doesn't hurt when I say it about myself because I know where I've been. It hurts when they say it because they haven't earned that right. They haven't been there.

Yoga's not an option because of my muscle weakness and arthritis slowly eating away at my knees and hands. After the injury in '06, I am not to put any weight or stress on my wrists. It takes me about a minute to climb 5 stairs on my porch to get to my door. Mindfullness. Not sure what that is. I'm guessing it's where you don't think about anything for a period of time. The ADHD and OCD will not allow for that. I can't turn it off. I've tried. My brain is like a TV, always turned on, annoying advertisements, terrible songs, memories being replayed and everything. I've tried a lot on this and cannot turn it off. A former martial arts trainer tried to help me with a focus exercise and could not. I told him that I had ADHD and he said I would never be able to achieve it, then. A lot of adhd medicines made me violent.

So many times. You just don't even know. Something's not clicking, I guess.

I understand that but tell me this: Why is it that I can go the first four years of my life being starved, locked in a closet, beaten and neglected; then the next five years being beaten and verbally demeaned; then the next in state custody, institutionalized in state hospitals and group homes, getting beat up all the time by bullies (I mean like the worst kids off the streets); then the next working hard and still getting bullied (although to a lesser extent), then work and work and work, trying to make the best decisions I can until the latent schizophrenia I inherited from my mom along with the worst depression I have ever had, and bipolar AND people still treating me like a disease

but STILL find it difficult to hurt anyone on purpose?

I can't do it. I can't willingly hurt someone like that even after all I have been through, even after hating the human species like you wouldn't believe, I can't do it. I meet people I dislike all the time. I find myself in situations where hurting them would be easy and I could get away with it but I just can't. I want to, though, but I want my target to be someone who sets kittens on fire or something like that, not just a person having a bad day.

So what the hell could a bully's excuse be? Many of the ones who picked on me (at least at the public schools) had it MADE compared to me.

Bully: "My mom hates me."

Me: "YOU HAVE A MOM?"

For the most part, I get where people are coming from but it's difficult to misinterpret: "What a psycho *****! Get the **** away from me."

Now, I have said things, which I meant strictly as an observation, but people often took them as insults and I don't know why. If it helps, I've had less of that particular problem with more intelligent people. People who aren't so bright tend to misinterpret almost everything I say and take it as an insult.

I've asked her to up the frequency of the sessions. Wish I could get her on a day when I feel like this because then she can see it and have a better idea of where to go from there. I don't generally go around my loved ones because I don't want to freak them out. They get panicky when they see me like this so, the last few years, I just lock myself in my room until it is over, for their protection.

Appreciate it. Still can't immediately agree with fighting the feeling of inadequacy. It is there for good reason, trial and error and through my own observations and the observations of others. The five people who do value me is a fluke. It may also be because they haven't seen the worst side of me, or, if they have, just have a low tolerance and high patience for people like me. I do not grasp the concept of my value, as history has always shown: I am the kind of person who gets in the way, therefore, people would be happier if I didn't exist. I believe they would, too. I believe they would feel some relief that they don't have to worry about me as a burden anymore. They can be free.