[jenkins09]

I married my wife over 4 years ago...she had her quirks, just like I do and never thought of her being a N. We had marital issues and sought out therapy, took personality tests administered by the counselor. On a scale of 1-100 she scored a 95 on N.

What is really hard is that she rarely apologizes for her behavior. It is always made to be my fault. Its my fault the marriage is bad, or whatever happens its my fault. She makes everything about her and will cause an argument, I believe to feed her N supply.

I love her, but I see her as a vampire...draining the life out of me. She expects me to feed her ego..and self-esteem..Just venting..

[Rohag]

Hello, Jenkins09! Go ahead and vent - I'm sure you've got lot more to get off your chest. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around your situation. Being in love with and married to an N must be...well, I don't have a vocabulary for it.

[Junerain]

Are you still in marital therapy, and do you address these issues with her if you are?

[jenkins09]

I am in therapy, individual and couples. But you see, that is the beauty of N. They dont see their behavior, even if a therapist points it out to them. My W was confronted by my therapist and she unleashed her rage onto my therapist. They are a tough nut to crack, although I do have hope.

[jenkins09]

and to add insult to injury, she had an affair and of course, its my fault. I didnt feed her self-esteem. We have kids so I am in a tough situation. I dont believe in divorce and dont want to not be able to see my kids when I want too. She is very vindictive and I know if we were to divorce she would use my kids against me.

[lvas]

Oh boy. That sounds like a tough situation, and what has worked with me is tough love. And sometimes just isolation and having to come to my own reality and realize "I" am being the main jerk in this relationship. Unfortunately an narcissist tends to wrap every bit of truth or delusion into their person, and make it about them. In a soft way, I have to be told that my actions affect others dramatically. If I were to be confronted, I will get resentful and later on vindictive toward those people.

Good luck!

[Junerain]

Is there any chance if you were to get divorced YOU would get custody? Perhaps the kids could be raised better if you show them you are strong enought to get a divorce, and your time with them could be more meaningful, the truth would be out in the open and in time your kids will see you and all the good you have to offer?

[jenkins09]

Originally Posted by Junerain

Is there any chance if you were to get divorced YOU would get custody? Perhaps the kids could be raised better if you show them you are strong enought to get a divorce, and your time with them could be more meaningful, the truth would be out in the open and in time your kids will see you and all the good you have to offer?

I dont lack the strength to not get a divorce. Its that I dont believe in divorce. I am Christian and it goes agains what I believe. She may decide that she wants out, and maybe the affair was her way of doing that, I dont know. I really dont know about custody, in my state the woman almost always gets custody. Thanks for the comments.

[Nypheria]

I dont mean to be rude but..

Its time to put on your boot straps and really face this women.

No more money for her. No more nice things, no more appreciation, no more love. Nothing. Period.

She needs to realize that the world isnt all about her, that a relationship isnt about getting everything you want, and that a good men dont just fall out of the sky. You are being taken advantage of and its time to really show her that your sick of the BS.

Unless she realizes that the world isnt revolving around her, then give her the same treatment she is giving you. No, not revenge, its realization (aka - reality) She knows you wont divorce her. She knows your weaknesses. And guess what? She is using them against you.

These narcissistic types feed off your sorrow and love to piss people off (even though they of course see themselves as the victims always). Dont swallow it. You know you are a good man, and your doing everything possible to save this marriage. If she keeps cheating on you though - your kids will see it. They know it. Its putting you in danger for STD's, and also it strains YOUR mental and emotional self. Not fair to you, or your kids.

Being honest with you. Just try some tough love and see if it works, maybe, just maybe, it will kick start her.

[jenkins09]

Nypheria,

Thanks for the reply. Its what I needed to hear and your right.

[jena2nsu]

What is "N"?

[Nypheria]

N = Narcissistic, its just a weird word to spell out.

[Englishjay61]

Originally Posted by jenkins09

I married my wife over 4 years ago...she had her quirks, just like I do and never thought of her being a N. We had marital issues and sought out therapy, took personality tests administered by the counselor. On a scale of 1-100 she scored a 95 on N.

What is really hard is that she rarely apologizes for her behavior. It is always made to be my fault. Its my fault the marriage is bad, or whatever happens its my fault. She makes everything about her and will cause an argument, I believe to feed her N supply.

I love her, but I see her as a vampire...draining the life out of me. She expects me to feed her ego..and self-esteem..Just venting..

Finally someone who has the exact same issue as me. My NPD wife is a monster. I think about killing myself just to get away from her. Sick twisting of everything. She says it always is about me. lol. I can't even have a beer or touch myself during a bedroom moment.

[Englishjay61]

She tears me apart every chance she gets. Unless she is getting her way. I don't know whether to **** or go blind. She insists I cheat, lie steal candy from children. Anything to knock me down then kick me in the face. It is hell.

[Englishjay61]

She always feels slighted and then goes on the attack.

[Englishjay61]

Check this out. www.quora.com/How-do-you-defeat-a-narcissist

I am diagnosed "NPD" and have been married for 15 years together for 20. My wife is tough and keeps me grounded more than ever. Sure we had some tough times but it is her who has helped me become a better person in life. For me saying "sorry" is a very difficult thing to do. Most of us had to figure our own ways in life without the help that most others get from their families. So admitting fault or that we were wrong is very hard. Not because we are monsters that cant admit it like you all think but because of what we did to make it to where we are today. I am living proof that a "N" can stay in a marriage. That when one of us finds the RIGHT person our world can be SHARED. Maybe some felt that the stories they heard when they were young is to believed to be true is the real problem. Life is so much more than what another believes it to be. Can a weak person keep a person like myself in check, probably not. A strong person who can see more than what we are supposed to because of who we are is what helps people like me. I know that for you it is hard, you are hurt and you appreciate the holy side of your beliefs. Truth is life is determined on what you allow it to be. I am screwed up in my thoughts and emotions compared to people like "YOU". I also know that because of the mix between my wife an I it is perfect. Looks like you all cant have what some of us do. Just like the millions who are normal who too also have issues like you "cheating spouses". Should we also talk about them in a way that so many talk about people like me??? Once again your types come to this forum to bash rather than get points of view form people like me. I am so tired of seeing this in here. There is 10,000,000 sites online to help the people like all here, why come to a room that is designed for people like me and do the same as everywhere else. I am also pretty sure that NONE of you look at the so many posts that people like me here write that would give you a different perspective than you are all trained to believe. One day it would be nice to see people like "YOU" ask people like "ME" our thoughts on these subjects. Than maybe these post would help you much more than the same old same old!! Narcissists aren't the only ones who do wrong yet we have a title that equates to a punching bag for what so many nons do day in and day out. Yes it is known that empathy is not our thing but where is yours? Not just the original poster I am talking to!!!

[MrMoose]

I'm in that stage of marriage just before the separation agreements are swapped and signed. I am finding that my wife very neatly fits into a narcissistic mode. She's quite accomplished and well regarded in her field, but as a husband and father she has classified me as "no value added." And of course she's berserkly rageful since I told her that I want to get divorced from her as well. Oh the threats! Oh the rage! Oh the meanness and pettiness! The part that hurts is when she hurts my child. As for me, I can stand back a bit and look at her behavior and when it doesn't get under my skin, it's just insanity, just as much as those crazy homeless people muttering to themselves as they stagger up the street with a bag of cans. I don't hate them, and I don't hate her, I just kind of feel sorry that they can't be happy and free of their problems.
I don't think your wife is "driving" you crazy any more than you can be "driven" crazy because it's snowing or raining or too hot out for the geraniums. It may be inconvenient or a pity, but it's not like they're "doing" anything, they just are the way they are.