[SweetNovember]

I'll try to keep this short. **amended to add that I did a terrible job -failed**

We began seeing each other very briefly many years ago and we clicked in big ways. His children's mother was acting erratic, and he seemed still caught up in the mess so without any bitterness we decided to go our seperate ways. He went back to her.

We live in a very small town and in 4 years I think I saw him twice. It should also be said that I saw her several times, all negative, and she was basically stalking me and my older children. Going into detail about this would really lengthen this post, but trust me when I tell you this woman injected herself into my life daily in ways you could never imagine for well over a year.

After having had no contact with him for over 4 years, we reached out to one another again... Small towns make things like that pretty easy. It was as if the years melted away, and we had the never a lost contact with one another... Our relationship was going good, we moved in together, we were in love (I think) ... But they have children together so no contact was not an option.

Over time, as he brought me to meet family and friends, they all seemed shocked to see him, and astounded that he was no longer with her. Some of the more brazen ones came right out and said, and right in front of him, that he was whipped by her, that he was her little puppet, he was not allowed to leave the house unless he was going to work, and that they'd never thought he'd leave her.

Again, small town syndrome, I'd heard similar things. I had also seen her name in the paper under the police logs for a domestic violence incident days after their wedding.

I would see her using the children to manipulate him to get him back, and at times I saw him faltering. When the children began coming around me, became well adjusted, and obviously liked me, she switched her tactic to becoming extremely neglectful of them. Out drinking every night until very late, promiscuous behavior with men, leaving the very young child home alone, house in disarray, no food in the home... he was honest with me and told me she was sending him messages stating that she couldn't cope without him, and that she was only doing those things because of how much he hurt her. How she would be a good mom if he would let her. How the children needed their family... Always his fault. During this time he paid every bill in the home and it's not just my imagination but he seemed to be afraid of her. No matter how unreasonable, neglectful, or downright wrong she was he would not confront her about anything, ever. He would just quietly sweep up behind her messes, shut off his phone when he knew they were safe... and I swear it was during those times that he would come alive. He would be singing, dancing, playful and happy! His eyes and smile would just light up.

His mother was so happy that he was with me that she treated me like I was a walking miracle. People all around town, and his circle of friends, as well as his family said frequently that they had not seen him this happy basically ever.

Then he left me.

Final conversation: He told me that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. That he loved me, but he loved her, too. The conversation was all over the place. He told me in wouldn't matter how good I was to him that he didn't deserve good. We were crying, he tried to hold me, but I pulled away. Then he said something that made the hairs on my arms stand up... He told me he had to destroy her like she destroyed him and that he knows that she probably doesn't even love him, and only wanted to destroy "us", and that even knowing that didn't change anything. He's blocked me, his family, his friends. No one's heard from him in the month since he's left.

Can someone please explain to me what in the world just happened?

I found this forum because the behavior that they both exhibit is so overwhelmingly Narcissistic/Codependent that a highly medically trained member of his family picked up on it and saw fit to tell me about it.

Before I just wanted to hate him for obviously using me, but now I need answers. Can any codependents shed light?

[Skeezyks]

Hello SweetNovember: I cannot comment with regard to your concerns. However, I noticed this is your first post here on PsychCentral. So I would simply like to say welcome. I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

[SweetNovember]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello SweetNovember: I cannot comment with regard to your concerns. However, I noticed this is your first post here on PsychCentral. So I would simply like to say welcome. I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

Thank you, I appreciate it!

[here today]

Originally Posted by SweetNovember

. . .
I found this forum because the behavior that they both exhibit is so overwhelmingly Narcissistic/Codependent that a highly medically trained member of his family picked up on it and saw fit to tell me about it.

Before I just wanted to hate him for obviously using me, but now I need answers. Can any codependents shed light?

I could try. I only know well my own issues with codependency and narcissism.

But. . . this is kind of a dicey situation. Why do you need answers? Are you still in love with this man? And whatever the man’s relationship is with his wife, the dynamic is or was changed by you being in the picture for awhile. Do you want him back? I don’t have a clue about whether or not that would be possible. Seems like he’s pretty determined to do what he told you, even if he takes himself down, too. Which sounds really, really sucky and sad and . . . there may be nothing you can do, even if you find answers. Did the medical family member have any more information or guesses about that?

[SweetNovember]

No, I don't want him back. I recognize that something is very wrong, is likely to repeat, and this almost destroyed me in so many ways. I care about him though. I'd like to see him whole, but not with (or for) me. Just whole. I'm not without my selfishness in this question though. I would like to believe that he didn't just use me, with intent. That something of what we shared was real.

[here today]

I don't know him, of course, but I suspect that some of what you all shared was real, and good. And -- just a guess here -- the good made him realize how "bad" his wife was. Which then put him back into self-hate mode (did he have that? I sure did.) -- which pushed him back with his wife.

Does that help? Sorry for your loss and it's good to hear it DIDN'T destroy you.

[Starlana]

He definitely sounds like a codependent to me. I'm with one (on and off). I can't claim to be as mean and cruel and irresponsible as his wife is...or manipulative for that matter, but there is something to be said about a codependent's "attachment" to the person he/she latches to. It's not healthy; I'm not even sure it's love. I don't know what it is.

I'm really sorry to hear this happened to you.

[Starlana]

Originally Posted by SweetNovember

I'll try to keep this short. **amended to add that I did a terrible job -failed**

We began seeing each other very briefly many years ago and we clicked in big ways. His children's mother was acting erratic, and he seemed still caught up in the mess so without any bitterness we decided to go our seperate ways. He went back to her.

We live in a very small town and in 4 years I think I saw him twice. It should also be said that I saw her several times, all negative, and she was basically stalking me and my older children. Going into detail about this would really lengthen this post, but trust me when I tell you this woman injected herself into my life daily in ways you could never imagine for well over a year.

After having had no contact with him for over 4 years, we reached out to one another again... Small towns make things like that pretty easy. It was as if the years melted away, and we had the never a lost contact with one another... Our relationship was going good, we moved in together, we were in love (I think) ... But they have children together so no contact was not an option.

Over time, as he brought me to meet family and friends, they all seemed shocked to see him, and astounded that he was no longer with her. Some of the more brazen ones came right out and said, and right in front of him, that he was whipped by her, that he was her little puppet, he was not allowed to leave the house unless he was going to work, and that they'd never thought he'd leave her.

Again, small town syndrome, I'd heard similar things. I had also seen her name in the paper under the police logs for a domestic violence incident days after their wedding.

I would see her using the children to manipulate him to get him back, and at times I saw him faltering. When the children began coming around me, became well adjusted, and obviously liked me, she switched her tactic to becoming extremely neglectful of them. Out drinking every night until very late, promiscuous behavior with men, leaving the very young child home alone, house in disarray, no food in the home... he was honest with me and told me she was sending him messages stating that she couldn't cope without him, and that she was only doing those things because of how much he hurt her. How she would be a good mom if he would let her. How the children needed their family... Always his fault. During this time he paid every bill in the home and it's not just my imagination but he seemed to be afraid of her. No matter how unreasonable, neglectful, or downright wrong she was he would not confront her about anything, ever. He would just quietly sweep up behind her messes, shut off his phone when he knew they were safe... and I swear it was during those times that he would come alive. He would be singing, dancing, playful and happy! His eyes and smile would just light up.

His mother was so happy that he was with me that she treated me like I was a walking miracle. People all around town, and his circle of friends, as well as his family said frequently that they had not seen him this happy basically ever.

Then he left me.

Final conversation: He told me that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. That he loved me, but he loved her, too. The conversation was all over the place. He told me in wouldn't matter how good I was to him that he didn't deserve good. We were crying, he tried to hold me, but I pulled away. Then he said something that made the hairs on my arms stand up... He told me he had to destroy her like she destroyed him and that he knows that she probably doesn't even love him, and only wanted to destroy "us", and that even knowing that didn't change anything. He's blocked me, his family, his friends. No one's heard from him in the month since he's left.

Can someone please explain to me what in the world just happened?

I found this forum because the behavior that they both exhibit is so overwhelmingly Narcissistic/Codependent that a highly medically trained member of his family picked up on it and saw fit to tell me about it.

Before I just wanted to hate him for obviously using me, but now I need answers. Can any codependents shed light?

Oh, I should also add, she may have NPD but what you described sounds more like Borderline Personality Disorder to me, my primary diagnosis.

[here today]

Originally Posted by Starlana

He definitely sounds like a codependent to me. I'm with one (on and off). I can't claim to be as mean and cruel and irresponsible as his wife is...or manipulative for that matter, but there is something to be said about a codependent's "attachment" to the person he/she latches to. It's not healthy; I'm not even sure it's love. I don't know what it is.
. . .

From my experience, I think it's that the narcissist, or whoever, has something that I lack. It's in me but split off and not (very) conscious. Clearly I'm doing better with that but it has been horrendously difficult.

[tennisteam]

You are in love with a CoDependent. He is extremely controlling (of her) and it has caused him to treat you just as callously and unfairly as his wife treats him. You do not deserve this.

[NothingPeopleDo]

Sounds like you got mixed up with a weak minded (co-dependent) person in my opinion. Sometimes it takes something bad to happen to make things better. Just remember what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?! I bet all along you knew what the outcome was probably going to be. You took the shot and unfortunately missed. There's always tomorrow. Lil bit of advice, third time is definitely not a charm in this case!!

[lovlein]

well she is obviously a narcissistic one its about his kid two he probably was brainwashed like my mom did to me it was like i couldn't live without her through out life i would become codependent with many people i longed for the perfect relationship never found it i always chose a narc it was the same as my mom so i lived like that until November i had the worst codependent problem with my dads girlfriend and between my mom and her lies and dads girlfriend shes a narc to i only found out what a narc was 2 weeks ago i 37 and i have a lot of problems caused by narc we only know how to live one way we will be like that for life or take me in November i tried to comment suicide and almost succeeded that night was the last night i was codependent god freed me of all my burdens and troubles yes you and him was perfect but the narc always wins my suggestion to you is read everything you can about a narc and never forgot what you read so the next time a narc comes around you will know better they are very sick and twisted people and they get off putting people in pain and they have no remorse he is the scapegoat

[here today]

Yes, lovlein, this IS a forum for narcissistic people. Those who recognize the problem and are trying to do something about it.

[NothingPeopleDo]

I think you may be a little off with your last post. A person with NPD doesn't get off by trying to hurt other people, yes this may be something that happens often while in a relationship with one but not as a goal that's predetermined. That would be a different disorder. Keep in mind that people who are diagnosed or not who do have "NPD" are programmed a different way. There are quite a few ideas why out there not sure if anyone really understands. Truth is I myself have been here a long time, I have met others like me here among other forums and have found that there are many similarities into why we are the way we are. Another thing I see all too often is the amount of people who continuously seek people like me to be their better (or worse) half. So much guessing by professionals and nons to try and understand people like me. Just keep in mind that people don't wake up one day and say I am going to have this disorder today. The cards we were dealt is what made us who we are. I have hurt many people before, i'm certain you probably have too. The main difference is I will never see their side. I cannot take myself out of my shoes and slip into someone else's, so to speak. The shades is where we differ most and the lack of understanding (empathy). Many can see all the colors of the world, I can see black and white. Too many are quick to blame people like me. It is simple to look up NPD in any search and the outcomes will be 99.999% alike. The evil we are and all the issues we have caused all those hurt by someone like me. For me it seems like blaming others is so simple, one does this so many times and doesn't learn a lesson? What should we call these people. I suppose the unaware NPD'r is the most dangerous (really most understood). One of the very few benefits of knowing who I am is that I can now allow myself to reflect when certain issues arise. I suppose a little more understanding and allowing me to follow a definition.