I don’t know anymore

Stillhuman

I’m in a complicated situation. I will make it brief.

Mother died. Aunt jumps in and immediately tells me I’m a very angry person and I am not allowed to go the cremation because “you’ll say or do something hurtful.”

She tells me mother’s partner thinks I’m very angry and everyone always talks about my anger. She emphasized how these third party sources thought poorly of me. I had probably not met a single one of the people she mentioned.

I ask to go to my mother’s cremation, citing it’s not the time to start labeling my feelings.

She wrangles in another third party into the situation; my brother. My brother says I’ll probably say or do something bad or embarrassing. They both actively stonewall information from me. My brother refuses to talk me. I get upset and ask for some honesty

The history with my brother is such: he was very physically and emotionally violent towards me when he was an adult, and I was a child. He was encouraged to hit me by my mother. He continued a pattern of actual domestic violence and criminal behaviour into his 40’s. I’m not sure his behaviour ever stopped.

I am stonewalled from attending the cremation. My aunt chimes in after the cremation that I was invited but she told my mom’s partner he had to contact me directly and it wasn’t her problem to tell me.

I kind of was like okay, what’s the point of telling me that information too late.

I was a bit put off. I sent an email explaining my feelings and concerns, saying it seemed insensitive to tell me third- party sources I’ve never met think I’m too angry.

I said although me and my brother have a troubling past giving him literally all the control over the information reminded me of how he was given all the control over me in the past. I said I realize that was not deliberate on their part but that’s what it looks like.

I said I have many feelings other than anger, and place stop looping third parties in (who have never met me) as “proof” of that anger.

I said I am having complicated grief and please hold space for me.

My aunt replied back saying she didn’t know what I was talking about. Suddenly she never talked to my mom’s partner in 6 years, and then told she only got updates from many different people about my mom only.

I was confused. I didn’t read the email beyond the first paragraph. I Felt actually kind of lied to but apologized said I didn’t want to cause drama and said I’ll talk to my therapist.

In response they isolated me. Cut me off at Christmas and my birthday.

I got frustrated at that.

I reread her last email in full a couple days ago. I noticed she seemed to want to always loop other people into “the drama” who had no part in the issue.

She told I’d imagined everything and it was all in my head. She said I accused them of labeling me as bad. She made a sorry, not sorry apology.

I said so what you’re saying is you labelled me as angry, due to something someone said about me 6 years ago. I asked her to refrain for looping people into judgments about my character who don’t know me. And stop pulling people into this discussion who have nothing to do with how you spoke to me.

I said her apology was disingenuous because she had to make an elaborate excuse about “that never happening” and “you’re imagining things.” I asked her to stop gaslighting me and just apologize.

She flew into a tirade. Accused me of being exactly like my mother. She accused me of causing drama. She said she didn’t believe my sorrow over the abuse. And literally seemed to make up with things I said, at some point in time. She told me to stop dragging my poison into her life. She said “I’m a happy person, you clearly are not.”

I made an impassioned plea. I said I am not even angry, just very tired and confused. I said something about my brother wanting control everything because he doesn’t want the abuse history disclosed.

I said she is acting like my mother but I do not consider her inherently evil.

I asked her to have empathy. I said she is kinda acting like my mom with some of her toxic comments. I said my mother’s death was not the time to tell me everyone thinks negatively about my character.

She said my behaviour was bordering on psychotic. She said I needed help. She then accused me of harassment, and was disowning me.

I said cool, have a nice life.

She then looped my uncle in next who went on about never buying them gifts. I usually buy them wine or get them a card, but that never happened to them. I never said happy birthday although I usually always did. Just not recently because of everything.

They said I have a very short term memory.

I said they have to stop emailing me because clearly we can’t have a balanced email conversation.

I told my aunt I want to cease all contact. I said she has thoroughly devalued me enough and there is just no point in having this discussion.

I’m going to my therapist. I’m changing my phone number and email.

I just give up. My therapist doesn’t think I’m a narcissist. My aunt does. She can’t seem to recognize her own behaviour either.

Mendingmysoul

A lot of triangulation, projection,blameshifting and abuse.How old are you?Can you go complete no contact?Do you have some stings attached with your brother?Financial or otherwise?Toxic parents make sure some kind of triangulation happens ,even from the grave.They are notorious in giving the inheritance to the abusive kin so that the victim is kept in the loop for ever because of finances.

Stillhuman

I’m an adult and I think that is what exactly what is happening. My brother is trying to get all the inheritance. He might not be successful though. I don’t care. Living out of my car would be more emotionally healthy than taking their abuse.

It was a ****ing trip trying to reason with my aunt. For every accusation she made, she could have saved a couple to describe her own actions.

Lady was digging up literal ********. Like she told me she said I threatened to disown if her if she gave out my details to my abuser (she almost did. Without asking me). I think I said it sarcastically, and it came out with me sounding hurt. I don’t even remember it because it was something I probably merely said in jest. She is ****ing hard core twisting every little thing I say, and blowing it out of proportion.

One other time I said I was really angry at some things my abusive mother did. I had anger at her because of some messed up ****, and understandably so.

I think she is using these moments to define my whole character. This is her reasoning for thinking the sorrow I went through is fake.

I’m not a soft lamb who cries innocently about her dear mother. It’s not a good look for the family.

How quick she is label me seems actually very problematic. She kept calling how my now deceased mother a narcissist; she seems to have similar qualities.

She painted me as evil incarnate, and I never once bashed on her; I asked her to refrain from gossip and pathologizing my feelings. Like sweet Jesus lady my mother was still fresh at the morgue and you had to tell me about how everyone thinks I am angry. Like her actions are the epitome of angry and heartless.

My therapist will get copies of those emails.

Maybe I am provoking her. I don’t know. My original note asked her to kindly refrain from labeling my feelings and stop looping in certain people’s opinions on my feelings who never met me, and give me a grieving period. She accused me of drama which set me off.

I tried reasoning but it was like we were having two separate conversations. But I’m an evil poisonous drama-hoarding liar with NPD if you ask her.

Even so nobody deserves to be treated like that. Now am actually angry- at her.

Stillhuman

I’m an adult and I think that is what exactly what is happening. My brother is trying to get all the inheritance. He might not be successful though. I don’t care. Living out of my car would be more emotionally healthy than taking their abuse.

It was a ****ing trip trying to reason with my aunt. For every accusation she made, she could have saved a couple to describe her own actions.

Lady was digging up literal ********. Like she told me she said I threatened to disown if her if she gave out my details to my abuser (she almost did. Without asking me). I think I said it sarcastically, and it came out with me sounding hurt. I don’t even remember it because it was something I probably merely said in jest. She is ****ing hard core twisting every little thing I say, and blowing it out of proportion.

One other time I said I was really angry at some things my abusive mother did. I had anger at her because of some messed up ****, and understandably so.

I think she is using these moments to define my whole character. This is her reasoning for thinking the sorrow I went through is fake.

I’m not a soft lamb who cries innocently about her dear mother. It’s not a good look for the family.

How quick she is to label me seems actually very problematic. She kept calling my now deceased mother a narcissist; she seems to have similar qualities.

She painted me as evil incarnate, and I never once bashed on her; I asked her to refrain from gossip and pathologizing my feelings. Like sweet Jesus lady my mother was still fresh at the morgue and you had to tell me about how everyone thinks I am angry. Like her actions are the epitome of angry and heartless.

My therapist will get copies of those emails.

Maybe I am provoking her. I don’t know. My original note asked her to kindly refrain from labeling my feelings and stop looping in certain people’s opinions on my feelings who never met me, and give me a grieving period. She accused me of drama which set me off.

I tried reasoning but it was like we were having two separate conversations. But I’m an evil poisonous drama-hoarding liar with NPD if you ask her.

Even so nobody deserves to be treated like that. Now am actually angry- at her.

Mendingmysoul

Your aunt is baiting you ,poking you until you react and then take your words or actions or feelings to use against you.I advice distancing from her.She seems very toxic.She is making you react in a certain way,so that she can smear you as being an angry person to others.Are you sure the other relative are calling you the angry person?Or is it your aunt putting labels into their mouths and they just go along with your aunt.There are plenty of flying monkeys who do the narcs bidding.They are scared so try to pacify narc by being agreeable.

Stillhuman

I think my aunt is putting words in people’s mouths. No doubt.

Stillhuman

She thinks I have NPD for raising the issue and for getting upset with her

Mendingmysoul

Calling you a narc is projection.She is a narc but projecting her disorder onto you.This is a classic dynamics in narc book.It will be better for you to grey rock with all of those,including the flying monkeys.Is it possible or doable for you ?

Stillhuman

I’m going to bring all my emails to my therapist and her decide what is taking place.

I’m going no contact. My aunt says she’s accusing me of harassment, yet I didn’t even put her down. Said she is using the same tactics as my mom but I am not labeling her as evil. Said she can define my history or deny it all she wants but it changes nothing.

I feel like my mental health will be under attack if I engage with them further. Blocked. Behaviour noted

Mendingmysoul

That's a wise decision. No contact further with them.You will be ok.

Stillhuman

The whole convo is plaguing my mind. And I am pretty sure I am going to be smeared to my extended family. One key thing she brought up was we had a conversation where she said she was going to give my address to my abuser (my mother), after knowing how she literally harassed my other abuser (brother) and his family, without asking me. I said, "I'd disown you if you did that," with sarcasm. She kind of said "really?!" I think I remember it was just a conversation. I said something sarcastic without meaning it. and I think I explained to her that you just can't particularly hand my address over to someone (who has abused me in the past) when I made a point of being "no contact" with this person. Boundaries are boundaries. Don't violate them.

Then again the conversation was barely remembered by me. This is what she remembers.

She is using that to underline my callousness.

Stillhuman

The whole conversation makes me doubt my perception and if I bring up what I remember they’ll bring up something else completely unrelated to the original argument that I *don’t* remember. Followed by a hail of "this is what's wrong with your character." Again not related to the topic at hand.

Ultimately I guess it’s to paint me as a narcissistic liar/ and mentally unstable.

And I don’t feel okay. I lost my mother and a whole family to this thing. So sorry I've been thinking a lot about it.

I will consult my therapist with planning out how to handle this, whether I grey rock, or cut ties completely. I hate the nuclear option. But I hate being systemically torn down and attacked for reasonably questioning what someone said to me.

Stillhuman

What Is Narcissistic Baiting? - YouTube

watched that. It helped a lot. Sorry I seem a bit obsessive about details. You tend to get that way when you feel like reality is being denied.

Fuzzybear

Hugs!

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