[suzanakay]

Hi there. I'm new to psych central.
I have had ocd as far as I can remember, mainly a 'checker'- doors, oven , stove, windows, check my children are breathing, the handbrake, rewrite and re read things etc.

Lately I have had an awful obsession that has lasted 3 weeks and will not leave my brain. I'm not sure what triggered it. Anyway, (this is embarrassing), i have been on an adult porn site for over 3 years now and never questioned anything. 3 weeks ago, I got a virus on my computer, i took my hard drive to the technician who fixed it. I almost immdeiately felt my heart race and a thought popped into my head :' are those porn actors really 18 and over.?? So i went on to 'pornhub' and read the terms and conditions and it said that they are atleast 18. Well, that still wasn't proof enough. I started thinking; ' imagine if i saw child porn and wasn't aware of it'? then i tried telling myself that if i did see child porn i would be repulsed and would obviously remember seeing it! i would get off the site etc..... it would ahve bothered me if i did. i am starting to believe these thoughts. i am not at all a pedophile, even though my ocd is saying i am. now i have another thought. 'what if someone on the adult site i was on, imported child images or videos onto my hard drive without me knowing'? it's driving me insane. i'm thinking the cops are going to get me and lock me up. i am 32 and a mum of 2. i am finding it hard to care for them. i'm absorbed in these sick thoughts. no reasurance is working. i keep saying 1 ) IF I SAW ANY SICK CHILD IMAGE OR VIDEO I WOULD REMEMBER IT ABD BE REPULSED BY IT SO OBVIOUSLY I DID NOT!
2) IT IS AN ADULT SITE WITH 18 PLUS ACTORS
please guys help me. i am believing these thoughts and scared i will be separated from my children.