[Wantfreedom]

Hi,

As this is my first post on here I'm going to explain a little about myself and how I ended up where I am today.

It all started from when I was 17, that's the age i was when my dad died, i was devastated as you would be but it got worse. After the funeral my cousin said to me dnt worry too much about it as I heard he wasn't your real dad. Wow. Where did I go from there I dnt know it was just a blurr I kept it to myself for roughly a year or more. Then the lads I'd grown up with through primary and secondary school had been taking drugs "ecstasy" at weekends for probably about a year but I hadnt been going out with them that often and had always said no when I had been out and presume they didn't bother me because of my dads death. To cut a long story short as I started to feel a bit better they started to badger me into taking it. I stayed strong for a good while as I didn't drink much so kept my wits about me, then one weekend they purposely got me drunk and basically gave me a tablet to take as I was drunk I didn't have my wits about me and took it !
This was when my problems really started, it didn't do to me what it did to them I started to panic and had to escape from the place i was. I dont know what happened to me but the next day I started suffering from hot sweats, palpitations, and loads of what I now know to be small panic attacks!
From that day on I never bothered with a single person from that circle of friends. The effect of this drug saw me sink into a deep depression and loose my job and basically my life as I then new it. This was when I told my mum what my cousin had said to me and she said ignore him it's not true but later found out it was.
After about a year of antidepressants I started to pick up a little but in that time I hadnt even stepped foot outside, things where going ok when one day I was eating a marsbar and I bit into it and at the bottom there was a clump of White powder. That was the trigger to where I am today ! To me that was it there was ecstasy in my mars bar ! Being in the place I was mentally (and am again) ten years later it couldn't have been nothing but. This mars bar thing is definatley to blame for where I am today as over the years it's grown legs to not eating certain danger foods to checking other foods before I eat them but generally my biggest prob is obsessive thoughts. I must say though I had a good few years where I was able to function way better than I am know (was on citalopram at time) but had a massive blip due to an outside of me life event then it all came flooding back and the citalopram stopped working and was then last year put on mirtazapine which I have not really been great on. Roughly over a year ago (whilst on the waiting list for cbt) I started having intrusive thoughts (sexual) which to this day I haven't told anybody about not even my therapist (been seeing for about a month) and they at this moment in time are absolutely crippling me.(I can't get my head round why I'm having these thoughts because I certainly know I don't like them, agree with them or want to act on them). My g.p has since decided to take me off mirtazapine (not knowing about my thoughts) fully I'm now on 7.5mg every other day from 45mg and feeling mega bad. Not eating not sleeping, suffering from really high anxiety and questioning wether I want to go on like this! But my dilemma is, I want to tell my therapist about them but I know she will have to contact my g.p but my partner works at my dr,s as a receptionist and I dnt want her to know as that would be the last straw for her! So I would loose her and my home !!!! What do I do ????? Thanks for any help/ support.

[Wantfreedom]

Anyone ?

[Wantfreedom]

Anyone atall ?