[Psychochick]

I've had OCD off and on for decades. It's not as severe as it was in my teens and early 20's, but believe me, it's left its mark. One of my compulsions was brushing my teeth too long, too vigorously, and with a hard toothbrush. (No one ever told me you could clean your teeth too thoroughly, so I found out the hard way.) I noticed the first (mild) symptoms when I was 21 (at CHRISTMAS!!!) and went to my dentist, who referred me to a periodontist (gum specialist). I've had more skin grafts than I can count but invariably my "new gums" start receding too. I can't win.

It just keeps getting worse no matter how hard I try to follow my periodontist's instructions. I now use a soft brush (actually a Sonicare) and a special toothpaste which tries to prevent cavities--they form much more easily where tooth roots are exposed, as mine are.

I thought I was holding my own until my appointment today. I've never been more discouraged, looks like even after all these years I still do everything wrong. I hate the way I look so much that I almost never leave the house, and I avoid people like the plague. I'm not living, just breathing, and I resent even doing that. This freaking OCD has ruined my life--I can't even bear to look in the mirror. I rarely bathe (why bother?), I'm a recluse, I don't work, I refuse to have my picture taken--I loathe the way I look. The one positive about going to the dentist was getting nitrous oxide (laughing gas) but I don't know what's happened--either they're doing it wrong or it just doesn't work for me anymore. (It used to help me really relax. Not anymore.) I've never used drugs in my life but I look like I have meth mouth. "Living" like this is intolerable.

I wish I would go to sleep and never wake up. I hate life.

[Phobicperson]

Hey I used to brush my teeth really hard.. And my gums bled and stung.. It hurt for me so my dentist told me to brush gentler... Maybe that will work for you?

[Phobicperson]

You're not alone okay? Don't give up <3<3

[Psychochick]

I am brushing more gently--I have been for decades. It doesn't work, not for me. And I feel very, very, very alone--my mom recently turned 86 and has kidney problems, my dad died in 2008 from Alzheimer's, and I have no other family. And no friends.

The only option I see is giving up. I'm unutterably weary of trying to cope. I seriously wish I had never been born.

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

I have brushed my teeth to the point where my gums recede as well. I was given a toothpaste that helps them heal and build enamel. I now use a soft brush and take it especially easy near the gums. If you wash everyday, it will improve your mood. you'll feel cleaner, healthier, prettier, and less depressed. It will also have an affect on the way you view yourself. dirty people look much less attractive. I know how you feel. you are not alone. I've been in that place a lot. remember, the more down you get, the harder it will be to pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and start a new day. You are worth taking care of yourself. you are worth loving yourself. and you are definitely worth being loved by others. The only person who sees how you think you look is yourself.
p.s. if you feel like until now, you have been controlling your ocd pretty well, than you probably have been. One sneaky little thing because you were unaware of it does not mean you have lost control.

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

I also wanted to say that my post was meant to be taken with love and kindness, nothing I said on there had any intention of being rude, patronizing, or uncaring. I know I can come across that way so I wanted to make sure you knew I had good intentions.