[sonnenschein]

I've had dermatillomania for …I don't know, three years now? I'm just really, unreasonably ashamed of telling anyone- I've never admitted it before and I'm crying even now though I shouldn't. I haven't even told my therapist yet.

It's just that I've always tried so hard to take care of myself. I always, always try to keep myself together in front of everyone else- I was emotionally abused for years by my mom, and I couldn't let her see when she'd hurt me because then she'd know how to break me next time. I had this perfect facade- grades, relationships, everything except for my little secret. I used to just pick my face because I could cover it all up (that's where my acne was), then my shoulders and now my legs too. I even picked a rash I got from my bra.

I just feel like such a horrible person. I'm ashamed of my scars and I keep making excuses not to go swimming or do anything where I'd have to bare my shoulders or legs, which is really difficult in the summer. I'm also terrified of someone noticing, because I can't think of convincing excuses for my scars. And I'm also terrified of getting a boyfriend, because I even have some dark spots between my breasts that I scratched and I don't want anyone to ever see.

Does anyone have any tips to stop? Any tips on how to get rid of or minimize the scars? Is there any way to feel less terrible about myself? I can't handle telling anyone except maybe my therapist (whom I won't see for another month) so anything that requires that is out.