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neutrino
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Default Sep 26, 2013 at 12:10 AM
  #1
Yesterday I realised something huge. Since many years back I've felt this huge need to understand everything, sort everything, compartmentalise everything, categorise everything etc. That includes thoughts and feelings. I'm trying to understand what causes my thoughts all the time and in my head it's impossible that, for example, something which makes me anxious could be caused by a whole mixture of things. In my head everything needs to have exact, specific and clear answers, otherwise I get really anxious. I realised that that might be an obsession as well. Perhaps my quest for answers and complete understanding is an obsession created by my OCD. If that's the case then OCD truly rules my life.

It started when I was 10 or so and I tried to understand why I felt so different and so frustrated all the time. I haven't been able to let it go since and the frustration has never left. It's like I think that if I could only understand why things are the way they are for me then maybe the frustration I've constantly felt since childhood would disappear. I put down an incredible amount of energy on trying to solve that mystery. If it's an obsession then I think the compulsion would probably be that I ruminate a lot and seek reassurance quite a bit. I understand this post might be construed as reassurance seeking as well but I really want to know whether what I've seen (and still see) as an unbelievably important puzzle to solve is just another intrusive thought. Perhaps it's all based on a "lie" OCD has created.

What do you think?
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Default Sep 26, 2013 at 03:50 AM
  #2
I take it there was an event in your kiddy days, and you stress yourself senseless trying to figure out why you did it, whether it was normal, and various other questions. All I got from your post, was that you had an obsession, but I couldn't see what I'd personally recognise as an intrusive thought, but I may have missed something, or maybe you left out vital information.

Quote:
If it's an obsession then I think the compulsion would probably be that I ruminate a lot and seek reassurance quite a bit.
That sounds about right.

Quote:
Perhaps it's all based on a "lie" OCD has created.
That wouldn't surprise me - OCD is a sneaky beast that likes to twist everything around.

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Default Sep 26, 2013 at 04:34 AM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zwangsstörung View Post
I take it there was an event in your kiddy days, and you stress yourself senseless trying to figure out why you did it, whether it was normal, and various other questions. All I got from your post, was that you had an obsession, but I couldn't see what I'd personally recognise as an intrusive thought, but I may have missed something, or maybe you left out vital information.
It has nothing to do with something I did and it's not about one specific situation but yes, I do stress myself senseless trying to figure out why I felt the way I felt. I left out information because well, it's not something I really talk about.

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Originally Posted by Zwangsstörung View Post
That sounds about right.
Yeah, and I know I'm annoying. Sorry for that.
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Default Sep 26, 2013 at 06:20 AM
  #4
You're not annoying in the slightest, and I didn't say, think, or feel anything to that effect. I like reading your posts. EDIT: Oh, I see how you read it - I didn't mean it in a snide way, at all; I meant it literally and genuinely. You're very aware of the whole reassurance thing, which is awesome, and should hopefully help you, in the long-run.

OK, so nothing you did, ... just a way you felt? Did anything big happen in your life that would trigger these feelings/thoughts? I can't help but to think that something must have triggered all this. For me, it was the way I was raised by my mother, things she said and did, her reaction to things I did, lack of decent parenting, clumsy schooling, a lot of bullying, teachers ignoring my cries for help, and so on. I can go back and pin-point various things that could easily attribute to some of my problems, for example: my mother went crazy at me because I opened up (to her, it was "broken") a calculator to see how it works. Mother dearest took the broken calculator very much to heart, and made that very clear; she took it so much to heart, because she got me that calculator, but also my dad got me one - I chose to open up my mother's calculator, instead of my dad's. Honestly, I don't recall having any malicious intent, ... but then, I was just a child of no more than 10. I now get irrationally sentimental towards inanimate objects, and feel a lot of guilt for things I needn't. My mother was nucking futs, but it was subtle damage that gradually manifested over the years.

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Last edited by IchbinkeinTeufel; Sep 26, 2013 at 06:32 AM..
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Default Sep 26, 2013 at 07:19 AM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zwangsstörung View Post
You're not annoying in the slightest, and I never said anything to that effect. I like reading your posts.

OK, so nothing you did, ... just a way you felt? Did anything big happen in your life that would trigger these feelings/thoughts? I can't help but to think that something must have triggered all this.
Thank you. I guess I think everyone else thinks I'm really annoying (classic example of distorted thinking). I know I talk a lot about OCD and stuff but that's because it's in my head all the time. I can't get it out. I can't shut it up.

Yes, it's about how I felt. I was frustrated all the time and I felt very lonely and different (I still feel like that). Not lonely in a I-need-social-interaction kind of way but lonely in a why-does-no-one-ever-understand-the-way-I-think kind of way. Nothing big happened (not until later, anyway, when I got bullied). I could say a lot more about this but it all sounds very weird and possibly arrogant (I'm not an arrogant person though, I'm actually very insecure) so I don't think I will.

It still sort of shocks me a little that the obsession about all of this might be OCD. Like I said, if that's the case then OCD is truly ruling my life.
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Default Sep 26, 2013 at 07:26 AM
  #6
You sound so much like me, sometimes. Hah.

Yeah, distorted thinking! That's me! I do that!

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why-does-no-one-ever-understand-the-way-I-think
I believe I had/have the same frustration. Do you ever just feel like an alien? I think I went through a phase, when I was younger, when I seriously contemplated me actually being alien.

Sounds very likely to be OCD, to me.

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Default Sep 26, 2013 at 02:42 PM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zwangsstörung View Post
I believe I had/have the same frustration. Do you ever just feel like an alien? I think I went through a phase, when I was younger, when I seriously contemplated me actually being alien.
If I ever feel like an alien? Most of the time. For as long as I can remember.
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