[Grey Matter]

I have been having a difficult time with my OCD for over a week now. But the problem just keeps growing and growing. I never feel comfortable. I always feel like the worst is going to happen and it's all going to be my fault. It started calming down a bit yesterday so I went to make tea. I refused to do any of my rituals. And when I went upstairs for a sweater, I must have turned the wrong burner on. I came three steps away from exploding glass in my kitchen, because I DID turn the wrong burner on and my dad had a baking dish there. Either of us could have been severely harmed. And I blame the fact that I skipped a compulsion on it. I kept apologizing to my mom and my intrusive thoughts became verbal like "I could have gone blind. Dad could have died from shock." and she just told me I am getting ahead of myself.

That being said, it triggered off a lot of stuff for me.

Today I spent 5 hours re-arranging my room until it felt "safe".
I did my 4x4 compulsion 50 times
I couldn't eat my dinner properly because I couldn't organize it.
I keep picking at my skin
And then I spent an extra 3 hours telling myself I am going to let people die if I skip a compulsion again. Which I know it illogical. Which is making it worse.

My therapist said to "let it pass" but this ISN'T PASSING. I am frustrated and annoyed and I try sleeping all day just to avoid preforming compulsions. Ugh.

[kaliope]

teen idle