[nousernamesleft]

So I'm a fifteen year old teenager with ocd, specifically hocd. I'm having CBT but there is one question I'd like to ask someone who will take me seriously and has heard of maladaptive daydreaming. My therapist is great but I am worried that they will shrug it off.

Basically, I've always had 'stories' going on in my head. They are complicated and involve celebrities, fictional characters, made-up characters, basically everything all jumbled together with a complex plot and many minor characters. I remember having these throughout my life (well, since I can remember), but they became a lot more intense during my teens. Before I would act these games out in the playground with my friends, but when I was about 10 or 11, in my last year of primary school, my friends grew out of these games. I remember feeling quite sad and from then on have continued making stories in my head. I always thought it was a little weird but I loved the stories. I indulged in them and used to look forward to having time alone when I could think about them. Of course, when I had other things on my mind (such as my ocd worries like having mouth cancer or normal things like conversations, classes etc.) I would stop thinking about them but when my mind was blank I would slip into them again. The stories changed quite a lot but generally there was a bunch of characters I almost always used. I know I have wasted a lot of time thinking about them, I plan what's going to happen next, I spend hours sitting on my bed contemplating the stories and wishing I would do something useful instead. I always thought it was just procrastinating but now I'm not so sure. I did worry that I would get a boyfriend and that I would 'cheat' on him by continuing to imagine these boys in my head, and also that I would stop thinking these stories and then my life would be boring. I remember once looking at my friend and thinking how lucky I was to be able to have these stories - her life must be so boring haha. Thinking about them is the only way to get to sleep.

But recently my previously unknown ocd (I thought it was just worrying) has got really bad, in the form of hocd. As I said, I'm having CBT and am already starting to feel the benefits, however something that is happening is that I don't seem to be able to 'control' these fantasies anymore. Really, I don't think I've ever been able to control them but I've never had need to stope them because I like them, however my ocd (I hope) is changing boys in my stories to girls, specifically girls I know! The problem is, I can't seem to stop these stories when they come they have a lot lot lot of triggers due to my endless thinking. I keep trying to change the story away from this topic and thinking about the story I was thinking before this, as well as trying to create new ones, but it's impossible because I don't think it really works like that. Before I've never needed to work to create a story they've just come and worked. But I really don't want to think this story!! I'm finding it really hard to sleep because whereas usually I could lie down and have 'story time' (haha) until I fall asleep, the stories are about girls and yuck! I feel like there's a girl in the bed or something and so I won't lie down because I feel like I'm lying with her even though there's no one there (I do know there's no one there btw I don't see things or anything). At first when this started happening it was so scary because I thought 'these stories are things no one else has and so they must be what I really want otherwise I wouldn't think them' so I was convinced that even though I didn't want these stories about girls I must have a secret desire for them!

While obsessively trying to find out whether this was the case I stumbled on maladaptive daydreaming. It didn't fit me exactly because I don't find the thoughts much of a distraction at school etc. but lots of it did fit and I started to wonder whether maybe these stories had always been a bit addicting and uncontrollable, only I wasn't trying to control them because I liked them. I still don't know but I do remember trying to control one over the summer and failing so extracting myself from everything to do with that one (in this case supernatural haha, I can't watch it anymore due to hocd and this) until it went away.

I'm really scared that because I'm having these unwanted stories (well, snippets of stories) that this means I want to be in a relationship with a girl etc. it stresses me and makes me really anxious whenever I think of it but I'm not sure whether I'm thinking of it or whether it's maladaptive daydreaming or similar. I have a main worry to due with hocd that my thoughts aren't intrusive, weird, I know, so I over attend to them which makes them seem less intrusive, but sometimes I really feel like they aren't. This is the problem I'm having now with these 'fantasies' (my hocd (I hope!) makes me think I enjoy the snippets I get, I don't!), I worry that they aren't intrusive/md and that I secretly love them which I why I can't stop them coming. I also can't think of my usual stories, this has happened quite a lot since my hocd started - I think it's because my minds so obsessed with whether I'm bi/lesbian or not that it doesn't have time for stories.

Please can I have some advice as to what is up with these stories and if there is anyway ocd can mess with them! I'd rather they be left alone as they are very secret and special to me ahah!

Thankyou in advance

[Samanthagreene]

I sort of fit the bill of maladaptive daydreaming. I've never been diagnosed and am trying not to self diagnose, but I have so many worlds and people in my head with full blown lives etc. What you're describing could be sort of like MD, or it could be intrusive thoughts or something entirely different. Sorry I'm not more help.
Best of luck,
-Sam

[Phobicperson]

I daydream a lot too, I have so many story lines going on in my head all the time. But I enjoy them etc like what the first half of your thread describes. So I don't know if it's maladaptive daydreaming. But I'm sure the thoughts about girls are a part of your OCD cause you don't like them. I think you should tell your therapist. Especially if it's so triggering