[susancook911]

I am completly new on this site and didnt know where to post this. I dont know what it really fits in to. I feel like Im more then one person. Sometimes I am completly fine I am happy i think logically and when i think about the things i think when im not fine i think what? id never think of something like that id never do something like that but then sometimes i feel nothing at all no emotions so ill do risky things like have sex with strangers or shop lift then i get a rush from it and it puts me back to normal for a while. and then sometimes i feel like im just completly crazy my emotions are completly out of control i think of killing other people. I am getting worse i feel like im loosing control of myself and one day i wont be me any more ill just be the bad me who wants to kill and hurt people. i want to kill myself before i loose myself completly and do hurt someone. I havent seeked out help before because i dont think any kind of help would actually help and i dont want to be locked up forever id rather just be dead.

[xshadowx]

Sorry ur feelin so out of control of your thoughts and emotions. I get like that too. I have parts that are only loosely connected – I get wild ideas of killing everyone because they are harassing me (real) but then I think everyone is conspiring against me (likely unreal). I have a rational part that tells the irrational parts to chill – yes they are harassing us but if I kill them they win because then they are the victims and I’m going to be the one to get in trouble not them.

It is hard to accept that there is no way out of being harassed because no one cares. It is just fact. This life isn’t meant for me I guess. There needs to be winners and losers like there needs to be night and day. I lose this time. Maybe the next life I get to have some success and happiness. Or maybe there will be a fix for the bad things in this life but I have to keep looking for it though. If I give up looking I wont find the fix. It isn’t going to come knocking on my door. Fixes are funny like that. They are the hardest things to find in this big I spy game. I find all the bad things first. Even tho im not lookin for them.it is easy to see all the negative. It takes work to see the positives. They hide good. Im sorry you feel bad and if I could help you fnd your fix I would.

Blind leading the blind. That is what this site is. It isn’t very helpful. I do know you wont find the fix you need here. You have to look in healthy places. It is full of unhealthy people. If you want health you look where health thrives. Let’s see… grocery stores are a good example. Ever been to a bad grocery store where the light is terrible and the food looks disgusting? Then you go to a nice store, clean, good lighting (very important), everything has a better quality glow. Just being in that store feels better than the other one. I hate shopping so it is important to find places I am more comfortable in so I don’t delay getting food and things I need to live. When I am back on track with being healthy again I want to experience quality – hanging out here is my way of saying I am unhealthy now and I need to find a way out. I wont be here in this bad lighted store when I get healthy. It wont help keep me on track.

Sorry you are feelin so bad. Hang out here till you feel better. Then find quality places with better light to keep you focused on health and not ….this.