[sunny0513]

I am new to this forum and am hoping to glean some new information and find support for some of the issues that I having.

First, I suffer from anxiety, I can only explain it as getting an increased rush, albeit an uncomfortable rush that won't go away. Most of the time it is fueled by something I am fixated on, at the moment it happens to be a new job that I would like to get. I cannot stop thinking about it, it is on my mind nearly every minute of every day. I have worked out every scenario in my head, I have crucially analyzed every step, every email, every word I have ever said in preparation for this opportunity. I am constantly checking my email and my phone to hear back on it. I can only relate it to being like a 13 year old dating my first crush again. The sad part about it is that I realize that it is completely out of my control. Additionally, I recognize that my fear for failing is not entirely rational. I did excellent in the interview and I am well positioned for the opportunity. Nonetheless, I worry day and night.

Second, when my anxiety is high, I suffer from horrible visualizations of awful things happening. This is what drove me to the forums and is prompting me to get help and it has gotten to be very bad. These visions are awful and are usually violent by nature. Worst of all, I am usually the one committing the act in me vision. I live through the horrible act, and then feel all of the anxiety, shame, and guilt of the outcome before the though passes. I would NEVER do any of the things that I imagine myself doing. It seems to me that the worst possible thing a human could do is what I imagine myself doing. It is an AWFUL experience.

I know I think in an obsessive nature, but I never thought I had OCD because I do not have rituals or compulsive behaviors that I physically do. I will add, because I think it is extremely coincidental, that I was diagnosed with OCD when I was very young. I suffered from the rituals and compulsions then and they took the form of hand washing and tooth brushing. However, I outgrew it and I can't recall how I did it. I was very young. I think it is weird, that I am now suffering from the obsessive thoughts, but no rituals now at the age of 27.

I just want to get help and let go some of this anxiety that I cannot control anymore.

[sunny0513]

Day 2 on my Journey to Forever with my friend, OCD. I'll admit, I feel very alone. My husband can't understand as he has never suffered from the torment of OCD. I don't really have any friends that could give me constructive advice, so I over think my problems and of course as I previously mentioned... whether I am going to get that job or not. It's a loop on replay... will I get the job? It's the same song and dance.... analysis, reassurance, doubt, checking all known sources (email, calendar, phone), analysis, reassurance, doubt.....UGH! So I soak in the anxiety and try to get back to work.

No visions today. Feeling alone but I am happy and hopeful.



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[Rose3]

Sounds like you have concerns about the new job, and maybe the uncertainties about to your worrying. So this contributes to your sense of things. Thank goodness that you realize that your fear of failure is not rational, and that you can also recognize when you have done well. It's like all the excitement gets your mind going, along with the worrying, while the outcome is uncertain. Maybe the visualizations are like catatrophizing. Hopefully, you can find some ways to substitute something better when they are happening - like decide ahead of time as to some more positive visualizations. I hope that you can find some help that'll assist with some ways to overcome these troubling experiences.

Im starting to think the OCD is the worst of my mental health issues.

[sunny0513]

Day 3 - Thanks for the support guys.... just a quick update today. I got the job and I have a brief window of less stress

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[Rose3]

thanks for the update - hope things are going well.